A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Larry King call the War of 1812?

His mid-life crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bananafishandblow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?

he had ... a reptile dysfunction

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Terrapinyata86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey"...

... died peacefully at age 83. The most traumatic part both for his family and the funeral home was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... And then the trouble started.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.

Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theycallmeslayer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Larry Bird catches the worm (first pun :p)
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goffeur33
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Larry never listens imgur.com/v6BveOz
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greychanjin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Larry Nassar would have gotten away with it...

if it weren't for those medaling kids.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fizzicist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
🚨︎ report
The word "politics" is derived from the word 'poly', meaning "many", and the word 'ticks', meaning "blood sucking parasites". (Larry Hardiman)
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kosmozoan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
🚨︎ report
At a young age, Larry King never went to school. Why do you think this is?

He was always suspended

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2016
🚨︎ report
What did the tree say when it ran into the mall?

Tina? Larry? Where is everybody?!? Oh my god, they’re all gone!!! ... Oooh a sale!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JumpinJaccFlash
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I have to be frank

But iam_larry

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hiiam_larry
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm pregnant. My boyfriend just made his first dad joke

I was feeling morning sick and so he told our baby: You're grounded. Go to your womb. I rolled my eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DulceZucar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2015
🚨︎ report
The Sitter-Downers, starring the Three Stooges

[the Three Stooges pick names out of a hat, to determine who gets to marry which girl]
Larry (Larry Fine): I got Florabell!
Florabelle: Darling!
Moe (Moe Howard): I got Corabell!
Corabelle: Oh, Darling!
Curly (Curly Howard): I got Stetson! What one is she?

(from the Three Stooges short film, The Sitter-Downers)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that the Pope has the avian bird flu?

He got it from one of the cardinals

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clitbeastwood
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2016
🚨︎ report
I forgot to tip the waiter today

I left a restaurant about an hour ago and thought to myself "I didn't tip the waiter,Larry!!" So I had to drive all the way back. It's a long way to tip a Larry.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stupidboy0
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Cancer is the real Zodiac Killer
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/An0therB
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Mom pulled this one on me today. Has she been a dad this whole time?

News: "Larry Hogan was sworn in today as the 62nd Governor of Maryland..."

Mom: "So he was only governor for one minute."

Such pun. Much groan. Wow.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xmeggiex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
🚨︎ report
butterfly themed name puns

Okay, punmeisters. I need to come up with as many butterfly-themed name puns, and have run out of ideas.

Here's what I have so far:

Mary Posa (Mariposa=butterfly in Spanish)

Coco Oon (Cocoon)

Poppy Ong (Papillon?)

Larry Va (Larva)

Madame Butterfly/Monsieur Butterfly

...mainly I need at least one more guy's name.

This is for a comic I'm doing where all the henchpeople inexplicably have butterfly names.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/globgob
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2013
🚨︎ report
It's 'family field trip' day at a small Wisconsin school...

Some of the kids attending are:

Sally Buckteeth and her family of farmers,
Larry the Lefty and his fam of circus freaks,
And Johnny no-feet and his family of midgets.
They were all excited for their tour of the dairy farm, and the CEO himself stood up to speak: "OK, everyone, a few ground rules: due to the industrial nature of the farm, mandatory steel-toed boots and a minimum height requirement are in effect."
The assistant pipes up- "Sir, one of the kids can't attend the trip!"
CEO- "Oh no, which one?"

The assistant replied, " Little Johnny, the one that lacks toes and taller aunts."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you know William Shakespeare was a low brass musician?

You can tell if you listen closely to the dialogue in his plays.

"Tuba, or not tuba..."

Told by my late band director. RIP Larry!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2015
🚨︎ report
We've got two.

I was telling dad (a Bostonian) about Larry Ellison's massive private yacht.

"Yeah? I've got two yachts. A front yacht and a back yacht."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobbit6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
🚨︎ report
The Three Stooges

My dad comes up to me and says

Dad: the three stooges were Curley, Larry, and what was the last one?

Me: Moe

Dad: right, now go

Me: what?

Dad: go Moe the lawn!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scarsthathurt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2013
🚨︎ report
Got dad joked by my dad

I was explaining to my dad how I won a match in a pool tournament the night before...

I had to play against the best player in the house but he had hurt his back earlier that day so he couldn't even walk straight. He won the opening lag to earn the right to break. I jokingly asked him "are you sure you want to break with that back injury?" He broke anyways and didn't make anything. My teammate and I proceeded to run the whole table, including the eight ball, to win the game as underdogs. Afterward my teammate said to the pro, "Hey, didn't /u/DetroitLarry warn you not to break?" At which point my dad interrupts my story to say...

"Now that's just adding insult to injury!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DetroitLarry
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible!” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie...” he says. β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible." the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie...” he says. β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report

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