My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it!
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
π︎ 575
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
If you're Russian in the kitchen what are you in the bathroom?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen
I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
π︎ 94
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like weβll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
π︎ 56
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
π︎ 63
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
My wife was fighting me about doing our kitchen in granite or laminate. She finally told me that we just canβt afford granite right now.
I have to admit... it was a pretty good counter argument.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
I cloned myself and he is following me everywhere. To the garage, kitchen, bathroom....
Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
I went into the kitchen and saw a hurricane making a pot of tea
I thought hmm, there's a storm brewing
π︎ 36
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I robbed a kitchen utensils shop last night...
To make it big, you gotta take some whisks.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but my friend is a natural at remodeling kitchens.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
I've never had an eggs benedict at a restaurant as good as the one I can make in my own kitchen.
There's no place like home for the hollandaise.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
What do you call a person who can't stop stealing kitchen supplies?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
I get a thrill out of stealing kitchen utensils
π︎ 18
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
Iβve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
π︎ 21
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
π︎ 17k
π
︎ May 06 2020
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
My 10 year old son: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
My wife while looking at me: -.-
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...
'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.
Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jul 21 2020
3 domesticated Rams are in the kitchen, labelled A, B & C
If you put a pumpkin on ram A, nothing happens.
If you put a pumpkin on ram B you get the same result.
But if you put a pumpkin on Ram C it starts knocking things off counters, making a mess and abusing the kitchen staff.
I guess that is what happens when you put a gourd on ram c in the kitchen.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
Last night my son saw a mouse in the kitchen so he wiped down all the counters and cleaned everything...
Tonight I'm putting the mouse in the bathroom.
π︎ 52
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
My wife told me to stop stealing her kitchen utensils or else.
But that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
π︎ 110
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
Wren kitchens have just been closed down by the police
Apparently it was a big counter fitting operation
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
I stole a mixer from the kitchen in work today
It was a whisk i was willing to take
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
Kitchen scale
My 5 yr old son pulled down the kitchen scale and asked me what it was for. I explained what it was and we left the kitchen.
Later, my wife asks me what our son was asking about so I told her we were talking about what the kitchen scale is used for. She then asks me "Why is it still on the counter? Why didn't you put it away?!"
I said "Because, we were weighing his options."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
I robbed a kitchen utensil store
π︎ 80
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
For the lobsters in the kitchen....
...the sinking of the Titanic was a 'miracle'.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
Did you hear about the Italian chef that slipped in the kitchen?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now Iβm their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Feb 07 2020
My Brother used to Steal from Kitchen Supply Stores..
He was always the whisk-taker in the family.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
I just realized my kitchen countertop is made out of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
π︎ 288
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
I'm trying out this new kitchen set with no egg beater
The says it's a 30 day whisk free trial
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 20 2020
My mom was working in the kitchen, and she accidentally broke some tiles
And my dad said, "I told you that method would be fewtile"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
I would like a set of containers for my kitchen. I would like to store my baking soda, borax, milk of magnesia, drain cleaner, and ammonia. Most importantly, they need to have very secure lids.
I like to keep all my bases covered.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, βI heard a good joke today.β Second dog replies, βGo on then.β First dog continues, βKnock Kno..."
Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...
π︎ 13
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
Iβm Russian to the kitchen for a spoon ππ
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
I work in a kitchen and my colleague threw a satchet of salt at me and said
Youβve just been a-salted
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
If you pay for your kitchen remodel with fake bills...
Youβre counterfeiting the counter fitter.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils...
but thatβs a wisk Iβm willing to take.
π︎ 806
π
︎ Mar 06 2020
a friend of mine dared me to steal some kitchen supplies
but that just wasn't a whisk I was willing to take
π︎ 42
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly
Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
I got caught stealing kitchen utensils
π︎ 38
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Today my wife caught me redhanded in the kitchen
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
If you're Russian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
I saw 10 ants in my kitchen this morning
... I guess I must be their landlord and they my tenants.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where there was a brother frying chips.
"Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied, "No, I'm the chip monk".
π︎ 45
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
My family tell me not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
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