Do you know why Jimmy Neutron is always calm?

He has no charge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomegaming1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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*insert Jimmy Neutron title song*
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simmson420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

β€œThis takes me back.”

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?

Jimmy Felon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D4RKG4M3R1zE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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I was fired from Jimmy Johns because I kept mixing up people’s orders.

Oops, wrong sub.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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Why can't sweet Jimmy play downstairs?

He needs to use the stairway to havefun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/busy-idiot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...

Oops, wrong sub

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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The teacher asked, "what does the nose fill with?" Jimmy answered, "boogers."

The teacher replied, "good but that's snot the answer I was looking for."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Jimmy Tallon
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UYNICAL
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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β€ͺAn evil French chef mixes Kryptonite in their treats and flings them at Superman. Batman arrives on the scene but does nothing, allowing Jimmy Olsen to catch the pastries in a net, at which point Superman saves the day. It’s like they say:

Not all heroes snare crepes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atruthtellingliar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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If Jimmy has 5 apples and he gives 2 to Bob, how many coconuts does he have?

4, you just never asked...

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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One day Jimmy gets home from school early.

His mom ask's,"Why are you home so early?"

He answered"Because I was the only one who answered a question correctly."

Well, my son the genius.What was the question?"she continued.

"Whose the little shit that laid the tac down on my chair?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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You guys wanna hear a dirty joke

So little jimmy was playing in some mud and he had to take a bath

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Jimmy Johns delivers?

Girlfriend: Do you think Jimmy Johns would deliver here?

Me: I think his Dad may.

GF: His Dad?

Me: Yeah, Papa John.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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When Jimmy told me he was going to paint vibrant birds for his art final, I got nervous...

... but he ended up passing with flying colors

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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Jimmy Dean asked me to update their website, it's pretty easy work:

All I have to do is add a couple links.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2016
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β€œDid someone say doobie?”——Snoop Dogg.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
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What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

β€œSome asshole has my pen.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalyconBolt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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Jimmy Buffett was recently attacked by the remaining members of a defunct New England religion.

It was the Last Shaker Assault.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
🚨︎ report
If you're not a part of a solution,

You're either a solid or a gas.

(Jimmy Carr)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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A friend asked me," What rhymes with orange?"

I said," No, it doesn't."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteDeath1404
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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What's my opinion of Jimmy Eat World, you ask?

I'm kinda in the Middle about them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chelseadaggered
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2016
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Jimmy Carr
  • I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

  • I went up to the airport information desk. I said "How many airports are there in the world?"

  • I hate fat girls who use the excuse "oh the camera adds 10lb" Well, stop eating cameras then.

  • At the check-in desk the girl said, ''Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?''

She said, ''No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''l'll have a seat.''

  • When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

  • A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done"

  • Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don't live in New York City.

  • Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

  • British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilikefruitydrinks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
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I tried to show my kids the Jimmy Hoffa website, but kept getting a malformed HTML exception.

No <Body>

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πŸ‘€︎ u/denzien
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2017
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A poorly Jimmy Saddle
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CamelSandwich
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2016
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How do you light a cigar if you don't have any matches?

Just cut a bit off the end, it will become a little lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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Dadjoked a customer at Jimmy John's

I was at the cash register, and a guy placed his order. At the end, he asked for "a glass of water." That is, a big cup instead of a little cup. I said, "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I can give you a laminated paper of water, though."

He thought it was funny, but he did a great job of hiding it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vulpes-Aurum
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2014
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I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die" and I was quite surprised that...

"Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
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Vitamin C

Is Spanish for Vitamin Yes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HassanMoRiT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Jimmy Kimmel masterfully executes a dadjoke youtube.com/watch?v=k7q59…
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2013
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kid dadjoked jimmy kimmel

interviewer: when's a good time to get married?

kid: in the afternoon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lizardman48
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2015
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Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.

I don’t think I can ever repay you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pinkflyd25
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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Hillary Clinton may become the first F president.

Sorry, I meant female but the emale got deleted.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrystalMatt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2016
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My brother said, β€œWhat rhymes with Orange”

I told him no it doesn’t

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamP1010
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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Here is a two word joke

Dwarf shortage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck named DuckleBerry Finn. A canary named Jim Canary. A swarm of bees, all named BeeyoncΓ©. A sheep named Meryl Sheep. An elk named Elkton John. A bear named Teddy Mercury. A ram named Gordon RAMsey. A shark named Fin Diesel. A jellyfish named Jelly Clarkson. An Iguana named Eddie Lizard. A hyena named Hyena Bonham Carter. A penguin named Robird Downey Jr.

a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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My friend says to me β€œwhat rhymes with orange?”

And I tell her β€œno it doesn’t!”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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A big thank you to "Dad jokes."

As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!

I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.

Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Junglejimirish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
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Dad? Where are we going?

Forward.

πŸ‘︎ 700
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeffLab
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
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My wife just said, "Nothing rhymes with orange"

I said, "no it doesn't"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/number9spud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
🚨︎ report

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