Jesus walks into a hotel

Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks β€œCan you put me up for the night?”

πŸ‘︎ 716
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Walk On Water. Jesus? youtube.com/watch?v=ujIfv…
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bad_Bobby2009
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Jesus walks into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œOur new policyβ€” we charge you for water.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
🚨︎ report
How would you describe Jesus walking on the sea?

It was a floorless stroll.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lumbertoast89
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Everyone thinks Jesus is great because he walked on water.

But Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlickeryVisionnn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
One time Jesus walked into a synagogue barefoot.

The religious leaders condemned it as sandalless.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DINC44
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Canadians believe that Jesus walked on water.

It was just winter time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Please just take my money you deserve it
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jackson24me
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I only believe in 12.5% of the bible

I'm an eighth theist

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/touchmybackwalls
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Which is stretchier -- rubber or skin?

Skin, because Jesus tied his ass to a tree and walked to Jerusalem.

(A mom joke! By my 88-year-old church-going mother-in-law.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MintOtter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My food truck idea

Food truck with eggs being the theme in every dish.

"The Poach Coach"

Popular dishes:

  1. Eggs Been a Dick (2 poached eggs and 1 average but adequate size sausage)
  2. Omelette that one slide (you're choice of filling, but don't fucking test me)
  3. The Dwight Yolk Em' (served in a plastic cowboy hat to go. Must eat while walking the streets of Bakersfield) 4.The Mr. Burns Eggcellent Scramble (smithered with cheese)
  4. The Quiche a Grey (oralgasmic quiche with a money shot of sausage gravy)
  5. The John Denver Omelette (full of all kinds of shit)
  6. Jesus'ed egg (basically a deviled egg only more judgmental and boiled in holy water)
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sakibombs85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Boy wants a car from his Dad

Boy wants a car from his dad
Dad says, "First you got to cut that hair"
Boy says, "Hey dad, Jesus had long hair"
And dad says, "That's right son, Jesus walked everywhere"

(From "The Frontier Index" by The Silver Jews)

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rileyk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A son asks his father for a new car for his birthday...

Son: Dad, I turn 16 in a few months and would really like a car for my birthday.

Father: Well son, I’ll make a deal with you. If you do three things for me, I’ll get you the car. First, you need to improve your grades. Second, I want you to see you in church every Sunday. And finally, I want you to cut your long hair.

A FEW MONTHS PASS

Son: Dad, next week is my birthday and I’ve done everything you asked. Can I get a car?

Father: I did notice you got straight A’s on your report card and I’ve seen you at church every Sunday. But you didn’t cut you hair. I told you to cut your hair.

Son: I wanted to talk to you about that. In bible study I learned that Moses, John the Baptist, and Jesus all had long hair.

Father: Yes they did. And they walked everywhere they went.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blake4Bama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Accidental Jesus dad joke

I recently tore all the ligaments in my ankle and I’m still in rehab. I was on the sidewalk concentrating on my crutches when a construction worker popped up in front of me. Initially I thought he was going to tell me I was walking under something dangerous; halfway through I thought he was going to ask me out; then Jesus happened:

β€œHey, that looks like it hurts!”

β€œNaw, it’s not bad, it’s much better now.”

β€œRunning? Skiing? How’d you do it?”

β€œRock climbing.”

β€œRock climbing! Wow, so you must be strong, eh?”

β€œYeah, I’m ripped.”

β€œ … ripped? Really?”

β€œYeah, I’m super ripped.”

β€œ … oh. Wow. Not joking.”

β€œYeah, I’m joking. I’m not actually ripped.”

β€œ … ahaha … hah. That was good.”

β€œYep.”

β€œSo, I’m Christian.”

β€œHi, Christian.”

β€œ... and I don’t know if you’ve read the Bible, but the Bible says that laying on of hands, especially for our fellow Christians, will heal. And I’ve …” etc.

It took me a block to realize that I’d accidentally made a Dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad With the Save

Ok, so we're walking into church, and there's a nativity set up on the soccer field. My mom asks "why do they have a nativity set up in a soccer goal?" And without missing a beat, he yells "because Jesus saves!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OutrageousKoala
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Night Porter at work with my favourite dadjoke of all time

Receptionist at work had gone to get a glass of water from the bar. As she came around the corner stephen(the night Porter) was coming around at the same time. Startled, she said "oh jesus!" And without missing a beat he said "no, Stephen" and carried on walking. My admiration of the man rocketed.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/steezy1337
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad Joked at Church

I was at my in laws this weekend, and for mother's day my MIL wanted us to go to church with her. I'm not religious, but fine, whatever you want. The problem is that neither my wife or I brought "church clothes," with us for the visit. It was unexpected.

So we're sitting in the church and my wife is talking to her dad.

"Dad, I'm just happy I have a pair of jeans that aren't all ripped up! I didn't plan on this at all!"

"Oh, hunny, don't worry. Any pair of pants would have been holy once you walked in."

Massive grin. Then back to serious, because Jesus, I guess.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/soomuchcoffee
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
🚨︎ report
God and JC's father-son relationship.

God always walked in the house with his shoes on and constantly berated Jesus for the floors being dirty. β€œBut Dad!” Jesus objected. β€œBut nothing son. Cleanliness is next to godliness." Jesus swept.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pokadocta
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad let this one go in front of my religious aunt. Needless to say, we we're uninvited to Easter dinner.

Did you hear, Jesus and a couple of 2x4s walked into a bar. They got hammered together.

I don't know what her problem was, I think dad nailed it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/barthm1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Jesus walks into a hotel...

Puts down four nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dgrubbnasty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Jesus may have walked on water,

But Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.