Once the home intruder entered our bedroom, my wife grabbed a bottle of perfume and hit him on the head.

She thought that might knock some scents into him.

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👤︎ u/DrewThinks
📅︎ Oct 27 2020
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For those who suffer from an intruder anxiety...

don't worry you're not alone.

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📅︎ May 17 2020
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My neighbor installed a security system in his porch that launches intruders into the air, and I could tell he was very happy about it.

There was a spring in his step.

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📅︎ Sep 24 2019
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Did you hear about the Boston Dynamics home-protection robot that failed to stop intruders due to faulty shoulder bolts?

It was easily disarmed.

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👤︎ u/cyphr0st
📅︎ Jul 22 2019
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How did the intruder get in the house?

He got intrude window.

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👤︎ u/Just_John_
📅︎ Dec 02 2018
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when a dog barks loudly to keep intruders away from the house, it is creating a protection racket

think about that. your dog is the mafia now

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👤︎ u/findanegg
📅︎ Nov 28 2017
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I asked the shop owner if he could help me out

He said 'sure, which way did you come in'

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📅︎ Sep 04 2020
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There was this Chinese guy ...hu xieng ...he was a vet ...but soon he lost his job cuz

Hu let the dogs out!!

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📅︎ Jul 12 2018
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In a little-known piece of rock history..

Courtney Love once asked Jon Bon Jovi to name her new band. Bon Jovi jokingly suggested 'Hole'.

Love though this was great - provocative and rude - so she went with it. Her ex, Corey Hart, of 'Sunglasses At Night' fame, did not approve. He sought to confront Bon Jovi on the night of Hole's first gig and, a little drunk, tried to climb the fence of Bon Jovi's LA estate.

Bon Jovi, thinking Hart an intruder, winged him with a gun belonging to Bono and The Edge's tour manager, who was dining there that night. The ensuing fracas was in all the papers, overshadowing Hole's debut, and angering Kurt Cobain, who was interested in Hole's lead singer.

Cobain sent Jon Bon Jovi a note, demanding he apologise, and Bon Jovi replied ...

"Shot Corey Hart, and U2 blamed. You give Love a band name."

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👤︎ u/Flanky_
📅︎ Mar 02 2017
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The lever bee.

This was always one of my dad's favorites to tell us.

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.

Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.

There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.

Now clearly, the safety of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So it stands to reason that he has to be constantly ready and on the alert so that he can do his job.

And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

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👤︎ u/kentron
📅︎ Sep 23 2013
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How does a burglar get into your house?

Intruder window.

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📅︎ Dec 08 2019
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How do you break into a house?

Intruder window.

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📅︎ Jul 08 2019
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