Intercom Puns

It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.

“Sorry about that folks. Not my fault, it’s the asphalts”

insert your dad’s joke here.

Flight attendant gets on the intercom:

“That was not the Captain’s fault. That was not our fault. That was the asphalt.”

BACKGROUND: I'm a sleep technologist and there's an intercom connecting my office to the patients' rooms. They call out when they need something (eg. blanket, bathroom visit, etc.)

Patient calls out, "Hey, what time is it out there?" so I replied "Probably the same time it is in there, why?"

The patient was too sleepy to be amused but it made me laugh.

I was on a bus route headed to Target to pick up some groceries. I was in a hurry so I had opted for the express route. The bus picks up on the part of my college campus where the streets are named after the great lakes. We pass Erie and Ontario, and the bus driver comes over the intercom and says:

"This bus will be express from Huron out."

Everybody groans, the driver has a good chuckle, and I begin laughing like a maniac.

So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.

I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".

There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...

[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]

Store intercom: We have a Code Adam. He is wearing a black jacket.

Mom: Code Adam is a lost child.

Me: Apparently.

Mom: More like No-parent-ly.

Family and I went on a fancy boat tour of a local rich lake. The captain provided a running narrative over the intercom about the history of the houses, etc.

Captain: You'll notice all the piers look the same on the lake. There's no law governing that, everyone just agrees they should use the same color and materials. Some might call that "pier pressure."

Crowd: (groans)

Me: I think we need to dock him some points for that one...

Wife: (groans and pretends not to know me)

Earlier today I got a phone call from a Walmart pharmacy. They were looking a Juan something. I said "Sorry, you have the wrong number." She replied and unknowingly set herself up by asking "No Juan?" I quickly replied, "No, there's no Juan here." There was a brief silence, she gave little giggle and said goodbye.

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this

for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's

not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.

"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

I was working on disconnecting an old intercom system in our house when I explained to the wife that it's powered by a low voltage line.
Wife: Can't you just cut the power line?
Me: I need to disconnect it at the transformer where the power comes in.
Wife: Well where's that?
Me: Well they're hard to find because it's a robot in disguise.

So my dad told me about the highlight of his day. He was shopping at the grocery store and someone over the intercom said "Bakery 101" because they had a call. So my dad walks across the store to the bakery and says "Bakery 101? Where do I sign up!" He was so proud of himself but I can only imagine the pain from anyone close enough to overhear.

Announcement came over the intercom- "flight such and such last call for boarding, paging customer David Matthews." I turned to the guy next to me and said, "hmmm, he must have had some trouble getting his guitar through security." The look on his face after a few seconds... Quite satisfying.