The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man

... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SumFunnyOne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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Did you hear about Canada’s new green initiative?

They’re replacing plastic water bottles with a Canada water.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lanman33
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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My friend just launched a new human rights initiative. I asked him how it's going.

"It's a work in progress."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zanman28
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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What do you call a tricky woman whose initials are P.B.?

Miss Lead!

..Y'know, because Lead is Pb on the periodic table..? All of my friends (okay fine, all one of my friends) just stared at me when I told him.. Thought you folks might appreciate it a little more...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Every time I see the initials for Hayley Atwell I always laugh.

HA

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheresnoIinteam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.

I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ACSchnitzersport
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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WTF isn't a title?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sdoeden87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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Initially the US was way behind other countries in COVID-19 cases.

Little did those countries know, the US had a Trump card.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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My child said wtf is an acronym?

I said IDK as well.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardlysure
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Why is "dark" spelled with a K and not a C?

Because then it would be "darc"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vilateral
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tillertrys
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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I've been learning to moonwalk during lockdown.

I made some progress initially, but lately it just feels like I'm going backwards

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bustershark
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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I had reservations about getting a hand transplant initially...

Afterwards, I felt differently.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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Number wars, a dad joke story.

6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?

6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.

Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.

12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.

Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.

Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.

Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.

Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"

7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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My dog initially barked when the people installing my shingles started then barked again as they finished...

Re-roofing complete.

*Edit: reworded punchline. I think it might be better said "replacing my shingles" but I cannot for the life of me edit that part...

*ahem* without hacking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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Ladyfingers are the opposite of mentos

Dad hat tip to u/xcammanx

πŸ‘︎ 427
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lytical
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Working on a crossword puzzle. Can anyone tell me the first initial and last name of the lead actor from Cast Away?

Thanks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...

We called her Auntie Up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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Thinking of starting my own secret society that is really hard to become initiated into

I'll call it diffiCULT

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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I was asked to give the first initial and last name of my favorite philosopher

But I said I Kant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/avisser
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
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Relationship advice
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlothsRevenge622
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlySupaFly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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A patient was initially doubtful of the success rate and concerned about her upcoming heart transplant, but after some reassuring...

She had a change of heart.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NomeSoap
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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What is the active ingredient in self raising flour?

Initiative

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BorgClanZulu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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When I left the barbershop, I initially thought my hair was too short.

But it's growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoseFellas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2017
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Initially, I was upset by my alien parasite

But then it grew on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Socrathustra
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
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Why are hippies good at social distancing?

Because they are used to being spaced out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mstrfstr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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What did Poppy the troll do when someone took her favourite Pixar DVD?

She got back Up again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skepticCanary
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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Dad-joked my boyfriend as he was trying to initiate le sexy time.

Him: take off your clothes Me: What if I don't? Him: then I'll take off your clothes Me: why are you wearing my clothes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hulahoop12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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In the future...

In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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In a village, far far away, two farmers often had a competition within themselves to see who harvests the most every 6 months.

After failing to win for about 9 times in a row, Jaime, hired a spy who will go and check Jack's harvest the night before the contest so he can harvest more. As the spy came back the night before, he informed the farmer Jaime about the amount that he saw inside Jack's yard but he was not able to tell the amount in exact. Jaime took the spy to his paddy field, gave him some extra money than what they initially agreed upon and said...

"You reap what you saw".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MShafiSatthar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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Covid-19 breath conference today

Information to be presented by the World Health Organization, followed by the World Health Action Taskforce to talk about global initiatives, then a personal message of health by Dr. Irena Dun-Noh.

So WHOs on first, WHATs on second, I. Dun-Nohs on third

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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway40k22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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[Request] puns about dice (for wedding favours)

Our wedding is next weekend, and we are giving out personalized dice as our favours. We thought "thank you for coming" was a little too bland, and we'd like to spice it up with a dice pun. Any pun suggestions that also tie into the cutesy wedding/romantic setting? So far I've found "we make a great pair" and a lot of puns around the word "dicey", but I'm hoping you fine folks can help us out.

Edit: We are huge gamers which is why we went with the dice. This isn't a Vegas wedding or anything similar, so jackpot related jokes aren't quite what we're looking for. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kirstybobirsty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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What did the kidney say to the other organs once he enunciated them into his cult?

Urine.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliverb352007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.

The monk replied "religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 922
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJFates
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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The creator of the hokey pokey died from the coronavirus.

Only his closest family was at the funeral but they live streamed it on Zoom. Some degenerate hacked the feed and starting playing the hokey pokey audio and he kept putting his left foot in and out of the coffin. His family was initially horrified at the hack but later was able to laugh a little, out of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. They learned to live in the moment and remember the good moments of life, and that’s what it’s all about.

clap clap

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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Came up with this in calculus class

A calculus professor explains an example problem to her class.

"To do this, you need to find the initial position of the object."

A confused student asks, "y?"

"yβ‚€," says the professor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamnomad101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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I had a haircut yesterday

I didn’t like it initially, but now it’s starting to grow on me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wxlson
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/me-no-smart
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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Wtf is an acronym
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harptarp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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