What does Mission Impossible's star give when he f**ks up?

excruises

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hurtkopain
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...

I felt your presents!

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Impossible Foods is introducing a new line of Edible Plant based Panties.

They call them Bloomers!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dusty-cat-albany
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced he’s ruler of Egypt? When told β€˜that’s impossible’ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.

People say he’s in da Nile

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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My friend said that its impossible for a river to move through the desert.

I told him he was in deNile.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/javerthugo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Impossible to resist
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StillPatience
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
It would be impossible to host a professional hide n seek tournament

Since good players are hard to find

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-k_i_l_r_o_y-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I was prescribed medication but couldn't take it. It was impossible to get that damn lid off...

You might have heard of it. It's called Tryopenin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve just been reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down!
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Solilupus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an almost impossible bubble?

Improbable.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mekkanik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
It's impossible to get a reservation in the library.

They are always fully booked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that it's impossible for a nose to be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MathiasaurusRex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Chemistry professor: It is impossible to be both acidic and basic at the same time.

White girl in the back: Hold my pumpkin spice latte.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elasticpython
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call water that’s impossible to freeze?

Noticeable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
(OC) Why do magicians not use horses in their acts?

Because they aren’t just difficult, they are neigh impossible!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faux_real_yo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s impossible to buy an unused mirror
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Its impossible to spell anything without a
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kitakt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
An Impossible Riddle

Today my father asked me:

F: "Someone's mother.."

Me: "Oh no, please no" (In mind)

F (continues) : "... has four kids: west, south, and north. What is the name of the fourth kid? Tell me"

Me: "..." (Is he making fun of the riddle or himself)

F: "And let me tell you the answer is not EAST, haha"

Me: "..."

F: "It isn't easy eh?"

Me: "Kill me god, please just kill me. This is so painful"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Razor54672
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I was told I can’t have kids

I went to the Dr.s office and was told I couldn’t have kids. Surely this had to be a mistake. I asked was there not any chance? The doctor turned to me and said while not impossible my chances were inconceivable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyquest910
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did the General put this Armies?

In his sleevies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s biologically impossible for 2 Asian parents to give birth to a Caucasian child.

Which actually proves the old saying β€œtwo Wongs don’t make a white”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/probablynotanazi9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
If two people love each other, nothing is impossible.

Except deciding where to eat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is it impossible to download a banana from Torrents?

Because it has no seeds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FagAfterShag
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A man said he was making prosthetic eyes. A blind man says it’s impossible

The man just says, you’ll see.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noah-Heartfield
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I've been trying to launch my business importing Soviet neckwear but in this political climate its impossible.

No one wants anything to do with my Russian ties.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/symmetrygear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Who's the one who can make the possible impossible?

I M.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadNigga
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to file a lawsuit against U2, but I am finding it impossible to hire a lawyer.

Either they charge a lot of money, or they are pro bono.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there. (Read aloud)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/that_ryan_guy88
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said it was "crazy and impossible" when I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolfy9001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report
If two vegetarians had a fight..

Would it be called a beef?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/j2ui
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer told me that my dog was chasing a man on a bicycle. I told him that’s impossible.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrbelvedere2017
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Can you guys help me develop a list of puns with the name "impossible burger?"

So at work recently theres this vegan burger called the impossible burger. when we pack them up we have to label the number of burgers and the name of them. Typically I wouldn't mess with that stuff since it might throw off the person restocking but the containers they put it all in makes it all quite apparent which ones are which burger. Anywho I began making puns on the labels starting with "kim-possible burger" and I wanted to see what you all could come up with. (I also did the small pee-pee burger but that wasn't really a pun). Anyways plz comment what you can think of that would be a pretty cool pun for the list and I will compile it all together. Thanks and regards, Thomas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zhaoneng
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Had a kid tell me to "grow up." I said that's impossible

I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/efluvient_son
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s impossible to trash a boomerang.

No matter how many times you throw it away, it just keeps coming back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ravenwarrior131
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know it's almost impossible to spot a camel in the dessert?

They have excellent camelflage.

(If you look closely it's behind the ice cream.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avanou
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
The person that came up with β€œNothing is impossible” is wrong.

I’ve successfully done nothing all weekend.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
It's impossible persuading kids these days to write to Santa. They simply don't believe in the existence...

...of letters.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm reading a book about anti gravity

It's impossible to put down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DELTA213203
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarsonLarson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkumbagKira
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
(OC) Why do magicians not use horses in their acts?

Because they aren’t just difficult, they are neigh impossible!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faux_real_yo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m reading a book about a world without gravity...

It’s impossible to put it down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TFeyner
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been reading this book on Anti-Gravity.

So far it has been impossible to put down.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Knowbody-_-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity...It’s impossible to put down!
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnathanWickers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
🚨︎ report

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