My mom made some fudge the other day. I asked if it was male or female.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
Back in my day, high school sports athletic conferences wouldnβt let you participate if you didnβt keep at least a 2.0 grade point average. It seems times have drastically changed...
I just heard about 20,000 leagues under the C!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 13 2021
if someone drinks the same tea every day with no interest in trying any new blends
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 21 2021
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"
Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
I like to spend every day as if itβs my last.
Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Since it's International Women's Day, I'd like to point out some inequality: If my wife wears nothing but one of my t-shirts it's cute, but if I wear nothing but one of her t-shirts...
...I have to leave Home Depot.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
It doesnβt matter if youβre tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....
π︎ 236
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.
Theyβre a big fan of gross domestic products.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
If there is one genre of music that raises me up on some days and gets me down other days
π︎ 41
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
Finland is offering foreign tech workers the chance to relocate to the Nordic country for 90 days to see if they want to make the move permanent.
If they don't, after the 90 days they will finnish being Finnish
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
If you give a man a fish, you feed him for the day.
If you give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for his lifetime.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"
My response: "144? That's a gross"
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 16 2020
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes on your cake day?
Fat, you get fat!! You thought youβd get a pi joke on my cake day?!!
π︎ 117
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
I bought a box of condoms from the store the other day and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag
I said βnah, Iβll just turn the lights off.β
π︎ 40
π
︎ Sep 13 2020
So I was buying cheese the other day when the clerk came out with a large wheel. Problem is, they tripped, landing on the wheel and crushed it. He asked if I still wanted it. I said no. He asked why.
I simple told him "It's no Gouda!"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
I started pulling the "Hi hungry, I'm dad" routine with my two-year-old. A couple days in, I asked her if she was hungry.
She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Aug 17 2019
The other day somebody asked me if I liked the office
I told them It depends on how much work I have pending
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
I think if I could be a dog for day
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. Iβm a pretty liberal guy but if Iβm having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 07 2019
If you're looking for sense these days, don't bother.
There is a national coin shortage, after all.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 20 2020
If you ever have a day where everything is going right for you
Find anything in the shape of a roll, put it on the floor, stand on it, and say, "I'm on a roll!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
π︎ 60
π
︎ May 08 2020
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
8 years redditor today and never posted for my cake day.lets see if the ledgends are true
π︎ 177
π
︎ Oct 21 2019
If you're born on Earth Day, then it's your
B-Earth-Day
yes, i'm born on earth day...
π︎ 29
π
︎ Apr 22 2020
If given a choice of eating a sandwich in the park or watching the Nickelodeon Network all day, what would you do?
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 05 2020
If you think your father's day present sucked
Wait till to hear what Matt Gaetz got!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 14 2020
So I was on a flight the other day when they guy next to me asked me if I heard of βbird strikes.β
I honestly didnβt think they could hold signs.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
If you get this pun, you have saved me the time of writing a good title. And if you save me even one second, you have saved my day entire.
v.redd.it/feo6wfvmmco31
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 23 2019
If u spent your day in a well..
Can u say your day was well-spent?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 15 2020
I remember when I once had a friends named Eni. We were best friends until one day, she gossiped about me and stopped hanging out with me. The following day, a teacher asked me if a had any friends,
I responded with βNo, not Eni.β
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 14 2020
If Christmas Eve is the day before Christmas, then what is the day after called?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 27 2019
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Mar 05 2020
Donβt worry if youβre tall or skinny or rich or poor. And the end of the day...
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days
π︎ 26
π
︎ Mar 17 2020
If yoo think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
If you're born on Earth Day, then it's your B-Earth-Day.
Ba-dum-tss
- Yes, I'm born on Earth Day
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Apr 23 2018
If you spent all day in a well...
...your day would be well spent.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Sep 12 2019
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