Oh My Gourd! I Made These Gift Card Holders!
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︎ Nov 15 2020
I am currently one of the world record holders for the Rubik's Cube...
It has been 43 years and I still cannot solve it.
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︎ Oct 25 2020
Hereβs a key steak holder
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︎ Jun 12 2020
Beauty lies in the eye of the bee-holder.
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︎ Feb 14 2020
Bee holder
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︎ Jul 16 2020
My wife bought me a new hose holder for my birthday...
That was reel nice of her!
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︎ Sep 23 2020
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one.
So I got a cake
-Mitch Hedberg
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︎ May 21 2020
cup holder
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︎ Feb 19 2019
I saw an ice cream holder made of polymerized siloxanes at the store today
But I thought "that's just a silly cone"
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︎ May 03 2020
I reattached a cup holder to my son's car seat the other day. My daughter (5yo) taunted him, saying, "I have TWO cup holders!" I told her, "It's not a competition," to which she replied...
"But it is a CUP-etition!"
... I've never been so proud of her.
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︎ Apr 20 2020
Roach clips are pot holders
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︎ Sep 29 2019
A thousand dollars for a new Apple monitor holder?
Now that's grandstanding.
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︎ Jun 05 2019
At the pre-screen for Solo, a Star Wars Story. They gave us these in our cup holders. I love nerds. I love puns.
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︎ May 25 2018
If someone who worked at ikea boasted about there book holders you could call it...
shameless shelf promotion
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︎ Feb 16 2018
1 cup holder
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︎ May 31 2016
Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.
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︎ Dec 23 2017
The sting is in the hand of the bee holder.
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︎ Sep 15 2014
I saw one of those selfie cell phone holders the other day and thought that it should be called:
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︎ Sep 01 2014
I recently bought 51% of a Vampire hunting company...
I'm the main stake holder.
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︎ Feb 08 2021
In my opinion, beekeepers are the prettiest people in the world.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
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︎ Feb 26 2021
She said "Why are you holding that ugly great bee?" and I said "It's not ugly to me"
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I quizzed my daughter, "If thereβs a bee in my hand, whatβs in my eye?" Reluctantly, she admitted, "I have no idea. What?" I chuckled...
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
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︎ Jul 23 2020
I just saw real a real idiot at the gym.
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
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︎ Jul 25 2020
To celebrate my cake day, I thought I'd give you all a pun.
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︎ Mar 07 2019
I finally got to cash in on a joke today that Iβve been looking for a reason to use for years
Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.
We got back to the house and my nephew said...
Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.
Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?
Nephew: no. Is it still broken?
Me: yeah. Thereβs a big crack in it still.
He didnβt get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I donβt care.
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︎ May 31 2020
I got an apiarist to judge my beauty pageant
Beauty is, after all, in the eye of the bee holder
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︎ Jul 01 2020
Booty is...
...in the eye of the butt holder.
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︎ May 04 2020
What do you call a butcher with a vested interest in his store?
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︎ Apr 19 2020
I just invested in a company that will pay me to keep t-bones and rib-eyes in my freezer to sell when the market improves...
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︎ Apr 24 2020
As soon as you find out someone has 10,000 bees, marry them.
Thatβs when you know that theyβll be a keeper.
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︎ Aug 27 2018
Vampires make great project managers
They always try to keep stake holders happy
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︎ Feb 13 2020
Why do beekeepers have the most attractive eyes?
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder
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︎ Jun 17 2019
I used to work at a store that put the teas on the same shelf as the pea pods.
Whenever someone asked where the butterfly pea flower tea was, we would say, βBlue tea is in the aisle of the pea holder.β
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︎ Feb 17 2019
What's the difference between vinyl, 8-track, cds, cassettes, and mp3s ?
With vinyl everyone can be a record holder.
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︎ May 30 2019
Every single beekeeper has famously attractive eyes
Every single one of them. As the saying goes, "Beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder."
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︎ Feb 06 2019
When a bear shops for a new family car, some features are a must-have.
For instance it needs to have adequate cub holders.
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︎ Apr 16 2019
Saw a sexy woman poking a man who was drinking in his eyes.
I guess beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.
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︎ May 29 2019
Did you hear? One attendee dumped a pot of Earl Grey over another attendee's head at the apiarists' convention.
Truly, brewed tea was in the eye of the bee-holder.
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︎ Mar 26 2017
Did you hear about the bee keeper who spilled hot tea on his face?
Brewed Tea is in the eye of the Bee Holder
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︎ Jun 26 2018
An old beekeeper had been raising bees for years.
An old beekeeper had been raising bees for years. He'd had many bees he gave names to, like Buzz or Stripe or Sting. He got a kick out of naming them and he would spend hours with them crawling on his hands, looking at them, holding them gently and humming little songs.
One year, the hive had a new queen, and she was the most magnificent thing he'd ever seen. He usually gave them clever names like Honey, but this one was just too gorgeous for that. He named her Beauty, and he would hum to her everyday as the sun went down.
One day, during a particularly beautiful sunset, the old man was watching his queen as she peddled around in the palm of his hand, singing to her gently, when a gust of wind suddenly blew some debris toward his face. Without thinking, he reacted, moving his hands fast toward his face, and smashed the queen right into his own eye. And so I guess what they say is true, Beauty really is in the eye of the bee holder.
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︎ Sep 15 2018
My honey farmer friend is a big fan of Kim Kardashian.
I guess booty is in the eye of the bee holder.
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︎ Mar 11 2018
Why do apiculturists' spouses think that their eyes are beautiful?
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
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︎ Jul 28 2018
apple is rumored to release the iPhone X-SE this year to revitalize sales.
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︎ Apr 07 2018
I recently joined the track team...
we spent the car ride home talking about the famous world runners and their impressive times and such. When we got home my dad said:
Dad: "You know I'm actually a record holder myself"
Me: "Wait really? In what event?"
Dad runs downstairs and comes back up with the biggest grin on his face, and holding a box of vinyl records
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︎ Dec 21 2013
I recently bought 51% of a Vampire hunting company....
I am now the main stake holder.
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︎ Mar 05 2021
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
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︎ Apr 02 2020
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
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︎ Dec 02 2019
Bee keepers have the prettiest eyes
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
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︎ Feb 18 2017
I've just bought 51% of a company specializing in hunting vampires.
I am their main stake holder.
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︎ Jul 04 2013
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