Grandma's House Puns

Nana, I came to eat you

Grandma was keeping score as usual, and she was getting frustrated as her pen was running out of ink when my dad says: "It must have Appendicitis".

Grandma: Would you like some millionaire shortbread?

Dad: No, no, it's too rich for me.

First, my parents trained me to only get excited once we got to this cemetery that was near my grandparents house. And every time we had passed it, my dad always said, "Those are the best kind of neighbors."

She was a bit scared a very confused until we showed up at grandmas house as usual. Happy Veterans Day to my mom and those who served ! and thanks to all of you that are AD | NAD | TRS | TAMP for your service.

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. “Oh Junior,” she said, “you’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. “Well Grandma,” he replied. “It’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: “Jack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: “Ma, we’re happy, you can’t just-“ But she interrupted. “No excuses!” She snapped. “You need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

Picking up my 6 year old son from my exes parent's house, he asks why he couldn't stay with them tonight. I tell him I'm hungry and I'm going to have a few bites of him.

Son: (whining) I don't wanna get ate.

Son's grandma: You won't get ate(8) you've got two more years!

He smiles and I die a little inside because I missed my moment to shine.

When I was four years old, my dad and I got into an argument over who should get the remote control. Because I was significantly smaller and younger, my dad won the argument. I was angry, so I walked my little four year old behind to my grandma's house that was across the street. Grandma wasn't home, but the door was never locked, so I made myself a poptart and proceeded to watch nickelodeon until my mom got home from church. Once I had my fill of fruity pastry and child entertainment I walked back to my house where my mom was screaming at my father. "How could you let a four year old just go like that? Unsupervised!". My dad was silent. My mother continued, " it's like you don't care at all about me or our children!" Still nothing from dad. "Well this is the last straw!" my mom shouted, "I'm leaving you! Do you have anything to say for yourself?" My dad spoke softly, "hi leaving you, I'm dad."

My dad brought a gardening hoe with us to my Grandma's house, just so she would ask why he brought one. My mom was there too. Grandma: "Why did you bring a hoe?" Dad: "She's not a hoe, she's my wife." (referring to my mom)

He seriously put a hoe in the trunk for the sole purpose of making a joke. He was very pleased with himself.

We were talking about our cluttered houses and my Grandma said

"When Grandpa and I are dead and gone, feel free to get a dumpster."

And my Dad responds "Wouldn't caskets be more appropriate?"

Edit: formatting

So my grandfather and grandmother just drove to our house from Texas and brought all their necessities for the next few days. As we were unloading their car, my grandma pulls out a bag of cosmetics and medications and joked that it was everything they needed. Instantly, my grandfather said, "Hey, that bag could make you pretty sick."

Damn it, Papa.

The last few weeks have involved my grandmas senile boyfriend moving back to his kids' house while she deals with some medical issues. His kids happen to live on a ranch, so he's helping them out with the critters while he's there. While helping him move in, my dad finds a straw hat out on the porch. So my dad tells him

"Hey Frank, I found you a pilots hat."

To which the innocently senile Frank replies "A pilots hat? What do you suppose I'd do with that?

Dad replies "When you see some shit, you pile it"

So I was over at my aunt and uncles house this evening for Christmas Eve dinner, when my Grandma remarked to my Dad just how much my 4 year old brother had grown since she had last seen him.

Grandma: Well how big is he now? He must have grown a foot since I last saw him.

Dad: Nope, he still only has two.

It took everyone a moment to get it, but it eventually clicked.

On the evening of the 4th, my family met up with some extended family at my grandparent's house. While having dinner, my grandma noticed my dad didn't have a steak. She asked why and my dad said he wasn't that hungry.

I turned to him and said, "Are you sure dad? They're delicious! I mean not having one would surely be a mi-steak!"

(Not so) oddly enough, only the dads found it to be funny. The wives/my siblings just gave me the "Seriously?" look.

Here's a "classic" from my own father:

"I remember one time I was at my grandma's house as a kid. I was so excited to tell her what I'd been learning about in school that week. I was telling her about how we'd learned all about πr^2 that week. She kept giving me funny looks and telling me that I was wrong, but I insisted that it was true, we had learned all about it. Finally she took me into the kitchen and opened the oven, where there was a pie baking. She pointed to the pie and exclaimed, 'Pie are ROUND!'"

My extended family was all at my grandparents house talking about visiting the family burial plot on my great grandmas birthday (she passed years ago).

This is when grandpa said he sold his burial plot. Grandma looked at him a little confused and surprised because they were going to be buried next to each other.

Grandpa smiles and says, "What? Till death do us part. After that you're on your own!"

About a minute of laughter ensued.