Goddamn Puns

Make me sick

"What can I say man, it's my schtick!"

A Goddamn

Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

Ham boogers

Nobody knows - he was always a Mister-Lee.

Goddamn those big game hunters

Every time I go to one of his restaurants they let you eat whatever you want.

They got a whole 20 minutes in before the teacher woke him up

So I packed up all of her clothes and left!

But I made this post yesterday that says otherwise.

Obligatory Edit: I have so many people to thank for gold, but I think this says it all.

It was surreal.

Plastic explosives

With a tuba glue

I had recently joined a band as their bassist, whose previous bassist was very punny and also had a long beard like me.

I had made some unmemorable pun, and the guitarist said, "Goddamn it, puns must be related to beards."

I said, "With great length comes greatest pun ability."

Swear to god this is true. Only two people witnessed it. I want you all to be my witnesses.

HAND EEEEEEEEYE!!!....

To make him more aero-dynamic I took off its shell. If anything it made him more sluggish

Ok, it's not that funny, only a 3 star joke

I didn’t win but the judges said I made a real ass of myself.

...I prefer Ranch Dressing

It may, Fri 10 you.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

On the day of the prom, he goes to pick up his suit. However, once he gets there, there’s a line, so he waits....and waits...and waits...

After he gets his suit, he goes to get her corsage. When he gets to the flower shop, however, there’s an even bigger line, so he waits...and he waits...and he waits...

Once he had the corsages, he made his way to her house, but the roads were packed so he had to wait in line for the turnoff. So he waited...and waited.

Finally, he reaches her house, picks her up, and drives her to prom. But there’s a line to get into the school, so they wait... and wait...

At last, they are in the prom and dancing away. After a while, they get thirsty. So they head for the refreshment table and.....

There’s no punch line

This

Until knight fall.

One of them slipped off the cutting board onto the floor and she gasped in surprise. I asked her what happened and she said "one of my tomatoes is trying to get away" So of course I replied "Well did you ketchup to it?" And then I giggled for the rest of the evening.

I came to the realization.

Riceless.

That low key gave me chills

My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”

To be frank, it is about time they left their bedrooms.

The cliffhanger

You're kraken me up

One day a man looks out his window and finds one of his fence posts dug up and put in the ground somewhere else.

For the next couple of days this continues on but with a new fence post.

Yesterday was the last straw, so the men sat on his balcony all night to see who the culprit was.

Sure enough at 2am a couple of teenagers show up and get ready to dig up another fence post.

Man: "you goddamn teenagers! Stop digging up old posts and reposting them!"

I'm not mean, I'm well above average.

Here it is

Thanks /u/TomBaiRaise for the insperation