Did you hear about the guy that lost a fight by getting kicked in the mouth?

He now knows the taste of defeet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TesticularBacon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.

He really whiffed hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yawyaw42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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The woman getting on the train in front of me lost her shoe onto the track as she clumsily clambered aboard. I asked her how she was...

She told me it was sole destroying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rmcg84
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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Why is getting lost in the woods the same as looking for your animal jewelry?

In both instances, you need to find your bear rings.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MorganNec
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
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I've been getting over a cold recently, having nearly lost my voice.

"Hey, how have you been? "I'm doing better, but I'm still a pony." "...You're a pony?" "Yeah, I'm still a little hoarse."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snorgledork
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2014
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I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you’d get the well-fortified tower area back.

Guys back then were playing for keeps.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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The best way to get in touch with your long lost relatives....

....is to win the lottery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Why do bears never get lost?

Because they always have their bearings.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marine1992
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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How did Genghis Khan get lost?

He stepped too far

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mightyGino
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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My neighbor came over again to tell me about his new lawn, so I told him to get lost.

I’ve heard enough of his sod stories.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fish_and_chisps
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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What vegetable can you get lost in?

Maize🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽🌽

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSGaming0416
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Don’t get lost in the sauce

Cause then you’ll have to ketchup

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PepeSilvia267
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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Why do gay people always get lost?

They can't think straight.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickC-249
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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A pirate walk into a bar

The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'

Pirate: 'Oh nothing'

'What about your leg, where did it go'

'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'

'What about the hook, where did the hand go'

'I lost it in a heated swordfight'

'Then how did you get the eyepatch'

'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'

'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'

'It was my first day with the hook'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brony_kid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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Why did the fish get lost?

He wasn't paying attention to current events.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apollo1366
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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I always get lost when maps crop corners because it turns into a maize
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jojabean
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife looks at the atlass during road trips so we don't get lost

When I'm in the passenger's seat, I use the guy version. The atlad

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cole_Sate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can pirates never finish the alphabet?

Because they always get lost at C.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_soul1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Every year, a local farmer cuts certain parts of his corn crop before harvest for the entertainment of many who like to get lost.

They do their best to navigate that maize.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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My dad says this everytime we get lost

Dad: Did I ever tell you I'm part of an Indian tribe Me: Which one? Dad: They were called the wherethefuckarewe

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinodig24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I took my kid to the pet store, and now he wants to get a porcupine who lost all its quills.

I said, β€œThat’s completely pointless.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
3 friends get lost in the woods.

They stumble across a genie Genie: I will grant each of you 1 wish Guy 1: I wish to go home Guy 2: I wish to go back home Guy 3: now im lonely, I wish my friends were here

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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What do you call a catholic that often gets lost

A Roman Catholic

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hobdel1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise...

Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5d2248650
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
When our trees lost their leaves last fall I told my son the trees had died. He said they’ll get new leaves in the spring.

I said β€œOh. That’s a releaf!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justjong
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm really bad at getting a laugh with a joke about USPS.

It always gets lost in the delivery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/99-bottlesofbeer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m a map guy - big fan. If you’re not into maps, then get lost.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Laymans_Terms19
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the explorer get lost when navigating with a compass?

He was bipolar

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/airhogg
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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Why did Yoda get lost?

Because never soggy waffles eat

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scotscott
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
🚨︎ report
If you get lost while driving a Jeep Compass

You’re a dumbass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jrbjordan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Tourist goes to London and gets lost

Goes up to a Londoner to ask for directions.

Tourist: Excuse me, do you know Bishops Walk?

Londoner: Why yes, it is good for them.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadly_R
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
🚨︎ report
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

πŸ‘︎ 339
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"

πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/washcapsfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
As i get older and remember all the people ive lost along the way, I think...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joemiley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I took my son to the pet store, and he wanted to get a porcupine that had lost all its quills.

I said, β€œThat’s completely pointless.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to talk to two strangers today and they both whisked their hands at me and told me to get lost.

I guess you could say I got a brand new pair of shoos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Remember, if you ever get lost in the desert, ...

You can always eat the sand which is there

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BobaFettuccine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
How did the surfer get lost at sea?

He was too far out man

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dgarrity
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report

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