Ya know, I saw superhero on the street once, he was in line for a hotdog, read this guys mind and saw that his head was in the clouds, and he just pushed in front of him!

If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NukulerNicky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

β€œExcuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

β€œIt’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. β€œI’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

β€œYa see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I was in a KFC in Prague, standing in line waiting to order my lunch when I noticed the beautiful girl wearing a black and white tiled apron who was giving the man in front of me a bucket of Buffalo wings..and then it dawned on me.

I was checking out a chequered Czech check-out chick who was checking out some chicken at the checkout.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buggaboobooy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Today I saw some dudes in a line in the Street. I couldn't see what they were queueing for, so I got in line. When I got in front, some buff guy punched me in the face.

And I gotta say, this punchline I got into really surprised me.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewIsCoolio
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A boy finally reached the front of the line at a water park, but when I measured him he was just short of the mark...

I shrugged, "Eh, I'll let it slide."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/olbox_ofsox
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I was waiting for my lunch at the Vietnamese food truck, when a guy tried to cut in line in front of me.

I said, β€œ Dude, pho queue.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The guy at the front of the line, for the pretzal shop forgot his money.

It was quite a twisty predicament.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cerberues
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Do ISIS fighters on the front lines head back to a mess tent for their dinner like other military forces?

... Or when they're feeling peckish do they just hit up the Allahu Snackbar?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Batshit_Betty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Another Dad cut in front of me in the after school pick up line

It really pissed me off. So the next day I got there early and taught his kid how to ride a bike.

And you can never get that back

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SykoKilla_ii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
[OC] Standing in line at the gym today, a girl cut in front of me...

I think it's safe to assume she was wait lifting.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
🚨︎ report
A soldier walked into a hospital and a nurse asked him why he was in the hospital.

He replied, "I thought the front lines were here."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/donut_pickle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call blondes lining up in front of the grill at a pork roast?

A Barbie-Queue.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dirtytom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
🚨︎ report
The other week I went to get a hair cut and a shave

The line was really long and as I waited two guys in front of me went fisticuffs and the police were called.

I went home hungry, thirsty and disappointed.

Worst Barber Queue ever.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kactusotp
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad last night

Mom: "Spider! There's a spider up here!"

Dad: "No thanks. I already ate."

πŸ‘︎ 402
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/faceofuzz
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Waiting in line at Disneyland

A few years back the wife and I were waiting in line for a ride at Disneyland, and we were stopped next to a cast member door. One cast member was leaving for their break and asked if they could cross, and we kindly backed up a little for her. As she opened the door another cast member was coming out, who also crossed in front of us. I immediately turned to my wife and exclaimed "We've been double crossed!"

πŸ‘︎ 751
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scaryuncledevin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Observed a weather-themed dad joke

Two guys were standing in front of me while waiting in line for the pharmacy. One begins making small talk about the weather:

"I hope the rain keeps up!"

"Huh?"

"So it doesn't come down!"

Groan

πŸ‘︎ 648
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ms_Mediocracy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
🚨︎ report
A guy goes to his school dance...

...He could hear from the music and the roar of all the people, it sounded like it was going to be a lot of fun so he got in line to buy a ticket. Once inside he ran into Sally, whom he'd had a massive crush on since grade 3, seven long years ago. They danced up a storm all night, and he felt like tonight was going to "end well". 10 or 15 songs later they had worked up quite a thirst. They meandered over to the drink table and asked the guy in front of them if this was the line to get a drink, and he replied "That's right, this is the punchline".

πŸ‘︎ 352
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CanadianGuy116
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2013
🚨︎ report
The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. β€œTim”, he said, β€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dendari
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
A vulture at the airport

Last week I was flying home from a business trip out of Dallas/Ft. Worth. I'm in line waiting to board and in front of me is a vulture. He's dragging a squirrel carcass behind him in one hand and a dead possum in the other. The line is moving pretty quick until the vulture gets to the ramp and winds up in an argument with the guy scanning tickets. The attendant at the gate says to the vulture, "sir, you are only permitted one piece of carrion."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AllUrMemes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Old man at Subway explained to me why mermaids wear sea shells on their chest

I was in line at Subway and this older man was in front of me. He looked back and said, "Do you know why mermaids wear sea shells on their chests? Because "B" shells are too small and "D" shells are too big."

I gave him a chuckle and a "That's a good one".

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jualbers
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Got a solid eyeroll with this one.

I (f) took a risk by showing my dad-ness to a guy I've gone on a few dates with. I'd say it went well.

Scene: In line at the grocery store.

Me: Those are nice shoes!

Him: Thanks, I like them but the soles came off pretty early.

Me: So, what you're saying is they're the devil's shoes?

Him: ...

Me: ...because they're sole-less.

I laughed, he rolled his eyes, and I got a bonus sigh from the lady in front of us.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Need help coming up with a Pun

I'm not sure where else to post this but I hope this is the right place.

A close girl friend of mine is a fine artist that specializes in greeting cards with funny/cute puns/lines on the front and since I am moving away in December I wanted to create a Christmas or Thank You card one for her. Some examples are Bonne Fett (with a picture of Boba Fett holding balloons, and You R2 Cute (with a picture of R2D2 and a heart). Essentially she does a lot of cultural references that can be put onto a greeting card.

The two things she loves in this world are Egg McMuffins and Chinese Coconut buns. Could I get some help coming up with a Christmas/Thank you Puns using one of those ideas I can put on a card?

Thanks so much!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/g0th1k4
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2016
🚨︎ report
There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
🚨︎ report
What does Voldemort hate the most?

When someone cut the line in front of his nose

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Piggy_The_Sensei
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Valentine's sushi puns?

Hey guys. I found a really cute very card that has a sushi roll on the front of it I thought it would be fun to fill it with cute sushi related lines. Any ideas?

Thank you!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mpop11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2015
🚨︎ report
The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do I have a joke for you kids! Its called the cheerio joke.


So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out on the street, probaly an alchoholic. But he falls in love with a frosted cheerio princess. So one day he sneaks into the royal gala and goes up to the princess and asks her "will you marry me?" Now she says "I like your style, youre a good looking guy, a bit scruffy but I like you. Tell you what I will marry you if you can become a frosted cheerio" So our guy goes back with a determination and gets a job and starts to pay off his debts. Now by having a job and his debts paid he becomes a level 1 cheerio. So he works, and he works, and he works, and he WORKS and he finally becomes a level 2 cheerio. Now he goes back to the princess and askes her again, "will you marry me?" she says "no honey you really do have to become a frosted cheerio first." So he goes back and he works and works, hes a fryboy at McGrubers or something, I dont care. So he works and he works and he gets promoted at the restraunt and is making more money. And he works and he works and he works and by having that income raise he finally becomes a level 3 cheerio. He feels sucessful for the first time in his life but he is starting to fall back on his old ways. One day he goes to the casino and he loses and he loses and he loses and he gambled all his money away and he gets fired to boot because gambling is against company policy. So he is back down to a level 1 cheerio. He gets a job on a production line at a nearby factory and determines himself not to fall back ever again. So he works and he works and he works and he works and he WORKS, level 2, level 3, and he is doing great again. He is promoted to Floor manager of the factory and he is doing great and becomes a level 4 cheerio. But then one day a rival company sabotages their operation by putting poison in their toothpaste or whatever the hell they were making. They have to pay out damages and PR and the like and they declare bankruptcy. He is knocked back down to level 2 for the lack in income. But he is hired almost straight away by a branch of a huge conglomerate because they recognized how hard of a worker he is. So he works, level 3, works, level 4, and he works and works and WORKS. So he is promoted t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/t17389z
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Twenty-one is standing in a line...

Twenty-one is standing in a line, he's astonished that the person in front of him is the same guy behind him. He askes what their names are.

The person behind him says, " My name is Twenty." The person in front of him says, " I'm Twenty two."

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jendood
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2016
🚨︎ report
The Dictator

So here's the setup: I recently started working for a taxi cab company. It's surprisingly lucrative, and a shitload better than McDonalds.

So I'm working, and I'm parked in front of a bar, hoping that a fare is gonna knock on my window, when about twenty feet or so in front of me, I see a very good friend of mine. I shout, and we spend the next few minutes shooting the breeze. A fare knocks on my window, and I driver her to where she needs to go.

After, I'm driving back to that bar, and I get a call from my friend, asking if I had another fare lined up. I didn't so he told me to come back, he's got a group for me. They get in the car, and these guys start bugging the shit out of me. Which I can handle. What I can't handle is when they start dealing each other cocaine in my back seat. At that point, I'm just livid. I tell them to give me my money and get the fuck out of my car.

Later, I chat my friend up on Facebook. I tell him that I'm super-grateful that he got me a fare, but to please not ever put those particular assholes in my car again. And since our relationship is built on surreal humor and snark, I start expanding the list. Those assholes. Colombian drug lords. Justin Beiber. Kim Jong-Un. Please, no Korean dictators.

"But what about a penis-shaped potato?"

I'll admit, that one threw me for a loop. But I tell him that potatoes are fine, regardless of shape, size, color, or type.

At that point, I could almost hear him laughing as he typed "Excellent. Instead of a dictator, I'll send you with a dick tater."

I was so pissed off I had walked straight into that one.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoldierOfTruth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
🚨︎ report
I met an old Chinese man named Ryan O'Connor so I asked him how he got that name

Chinese guy: "While in line at Ellis Island I was talking to the man in front of me named Ryan O'Connor. When I got to the front, the immigration official asked me for my name and I told him, "Tsam Ting"

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4chzbrgrzplz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
🚨︎ report
I had a workplace win with an excellent pun, and I'm still smiling about it.

[Sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to share this with you]

Ok, so technically this was before I knew I was a dad at the time, and it happened a long time ago, so I'm paraphrasing it a bit (have to leave out some details. It's work related lol), but I'm really proud of it.

I was having this workplace dispute with this really snively guy who was being a bit of a prick about some work assignment he was really proud of. Long story short, he was worried about someone else taking credit for something and wanted me to talk to our boss about it for him (What does he think I am lol). Anyway, as I'm walking away I hear him coughing. So I turn around, and with this great big smile on my face, I'm like:

"Don't choke on your aspirations, mate."

Anyway, I thought it was a great line. I was smiling all the way back to my office. I don't know why it came to my mind at that moment, but it wasn't long before I'd meet my kids for the first time in years, and it was really great to reconnect with them.

Anyway, my kids are pretty popular (my son's a school teacher, so I don't want to embarrass him in front of the kids), and my daughter would be mortified to hear a dadjoke this terrible great so I'd appreciate if you didn't mention any details about me in the comments (might spoil their evening lol) it was just a nice little moment.

Anyway, just wanted to share the moment with you guys.

D. [To the mods, I know this is a kind of just a pun, but I thought it was worth posting here. I hope you guys understand.]

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CloakedCorgi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Thanksgiving ham 2 for 1 jokes

My FIL came with me to pick up our honeybaked ham and there was a line of about 50 people. We got up to the very front and he piped "We're here for the vegetarian meal." The poor girl looked so confused as he laughed loudly at his own joke. As we left with our ham past the waiting crowd, he loudly and excitedly exclaimed to me "I can't BELIEVE we got the last ham! "

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IndigoSunset
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
🚨︎ report
A FEW GOOD LAWYERS

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Viral_Videos_Pk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad got a ticket driving home

Dad: "You'll never believe what happened to me today driving home!"

Me: "What?"

Dad: "Well, I was driving down a back road home from work. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was still shining, a slight breeze was rustling the trees, and all the leaves had changed colors. Yellow, orange, red... just a gorgeous view. I was doing about 55, not a car in sight, when I come around a bend and see a cop car parked on the side of the road. I slowed down, but tried not to slow down so quickly that it would be obvious. I carefully drove up past the cop, being extra careful to stay centered within the lines and maintaining my lower speed. It looked like I was all clear, but then from out of nowhere a turkey jumped out in front of my car! I didn't even have a chance to brake!"

Me: "Jeez that's crazy!"

Dad: "I know! It hit the front of my car, rolled up over the windshield and did a somersault before landing directly onto the hood of the officer's car. He immediately turned on his lights and pulled me over and gave me a ticket."

Me: "What?? But that's not your fault! It was the turkey! What did he even give you a ticket for?"

Dad: "He gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird. Hahahaha!"

Me: -___-

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoopaSte123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad told me a story of a night out he had when he was younger.

He was trying to get into a club one night, the club was busy, and when he got to the front of the line he could see the bouncer looking for an excuse to turn him away. "Sorry sir, you're just not dressed smart enough," He said, "you'll have to put on a tie."

So my dad starts walking up and down the street, asking people if he could borrow or buy their tie (he really needed to get in) but most people took him for some crazy person and turned him away. After trying for 10 minutes he saw a road side assistant car down the street. He rushed up to the operator and said "Please, I know you're not generally for this but by any chance do you have a tie I can borrow?" The serviceman replies "Sorry sir the best I can do is tie this set of jumper leads around your neck" He ties the leads around dad's neck and make it look all nice (making sure to hide the copper clips in his shirt), and dad heads back to the club. The bouncer looks him up and down again, nods and says, "You can come in, but don't start anything."

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RadiatorSam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
🚨︎ report
How my Dad deals with queue jumpers...

A man pushes in front of me and my Dad in the queue for the turnstiles at a football match

Dad - Do you like fish?

Queue Jumper - Yes, why?

Dad - Because there's a Plaice for you at the back of the line.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2016
🚨︎ report
Had a great Dad joke moment this morning...

My wife and I were sitting in line at the drive-thru coffee shop this morning; my 2 year old son was in the backseat in his car seat.

There was a car in front of us, which we were waiting on to finish so we could move up and place our order. At that point, I noticed what kind of car it was. So I turned to my wife and said...

"We just have to wait for the Prelude to finish, and then we can go on."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Airman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2016
🚨︎ report
It's worth the read!

I should preface this by saying this was on of the best dates I've ever been on, but the relationship also subsequently fell apart because of it.

Anyway, a few years ago, my girlfriend and I had been going out for a few months, and things were great. I met her through a mutual friend of mine at the hospital, weirdly enough. Our friend had gotten in a very bad accident and had to get a glass eye. He would always dab it with cotton to stop the bleeding at the beginning. Anyway, this is all relevant because my girlfriend (not girlfriend at the time) bonded over how disgusting our friends eye was. This got us to talking, and before you know it, we started going out. Things got pretty serious months and months down the line, and I was just laid off from my job. This meant that in general, we would go on cheaper dates. Nothing too drastic. Just like a movie and dinner instead of say the Opera and a fancy five star restaurant.

So, about a year and a half into the relationship, Joe, the mutual friend of ours, suggests a double date with us and his girlfriend. He knew the situation I was in and offered to pay for the whole thing. Great right? Well... no. I was actually planning on proposing to my girlfriend. Except Joe suggested the plans in front of my girlfriend too, so she accepted for both of us. I didn't want to propose to her on a double date, so I pulled her aside and told her to just skip the date and come over instead. Joe had bought us all tickets to a baseball game, and believe it or not, my girlfriend chose the baseball game instead of me. I stayed home alone as she went out with Joe and his girlfriend. Moral of the story is, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd been married a long time ago.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/herper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Calc professor gets it

My calc professor of 300+ students is going over lines in 3D space. He asks the class what it is called when two lines don't intersect but aren't parallel. A guy a few rows in front of me confidently says "skew" out loud. The professor looks at him and says "bless you". The class giggled a bit and he laughed for like a minute.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/My_Fox_Hat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
🚨︎ report
I overheard this one at the store today

As I was waiting in line to check out, a gentleman in front of me asked his daughter to hand him some bananas. Once she did he announced with glee: "Thanks a bunch!", and chuckled happily as his daughter glared at him.

I couldn't help but share his amusement.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mine_is_nice
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
🚨︎ report
So I go to the grocery store to buy some beer...

Standing in line awaiting check out. As the person in front of me pays and walks off, it is now my turn to be rung up.

The cashier looks at my case of beer and says: "Do you have your ID?"

I say: "Yes"

long pause awkward stares

Cashier says: "Can I see it?"

I respond cordially: "Yes"

long pause even more awkward stares

eye rolls

Cashier finally gets it and says: "May I see your ID?"

I laugh and say: "Why of course you may see my ID"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/p_coletraine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2015
🚨︎ report
FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Could've just asked the concierge.

I was at the airport waiting for my flight home the other night when over the P.A they asked everyone from flight DJ-478 to Sydney to make their way to the service desk, so myself and my fellow passengers make our way over to the desk, where the very embarrassed and obviously distressed desk worker informs us that our flight has been cancelled, and the next one isn't till the morning, she then tells us that the airport will happily put us up in the 5 star hotel around the corner, and have us dropped back at the airport at 7am the following morning. Most the people there accepted this, after the desk lady told us it was for our personal safety and that there wasn't a lot more they could do, except this one particular gentleman, who storms over to the desk, and tells the woman that he needed to be in sydney tonight, and demands a flight be made available. (It's like 9:30 by this point, surely it could wait till the morning?). After again apologizing to the man, she tells him that won't be possible, and she sends us all on our way to the shuttle bus, with our bags already on there, and off we go to the hotel. The entire bus trip this guy carried on whinging and swearing, getting angrier and angrier by the second. We get to the hotel, and he's about 30 people behind the front of the queue to check in, and he gets impatient with the time it's taking, and again, storms his way up the line, past me (I was at the front), walks over to the desk, slams his fist down and says to the woman behind the desk "I want the biggest room you have, I want it in the next 30 seconds or so help me god, you aren't gonna like what happens", the woman looked up at him and said "Sir, the airport has paid for the rooms we already have organized, if you'll take your place back in line, we'll be with you as soon as we can", the guy got really angry about being asked to move back to his spot, he threw his bag down, and yelled at the woman, "Fuck this, call me a taxi, right fucking now, I'll find somewhere else to stay", that's when i decided to step in.

I said. "Oh okay then, you're a taxi".

He took his place back in line pretty quick.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iCappa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Went to the fishing shop

So I was at the fishing shop as I needed some new weights. The line was quote long. When I finally got to the front the attendant said "sorry for the wait", I replied "oh, but I came here for the weights". Girlfriend walked out and straight to the car..

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xenzor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad just forwarded this email to me...

> > Balls > > > > INTERESTING OBSERVATION > > 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. > > > > > > > > > > 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. > > > > > > > > > > 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. > > > > > > > > 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. > > > > > > > > > > 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. > > And... > > > > > > > > 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is > > GOLF. > > > > THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: > > > > The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls > > become. > > There must be a boat load of people in Ottawa and Queen's Park > > playing marbles. > > You know you WILL PASS THIS ONE ON!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BladeNoob
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
🚨︎ report
One of my Uncle's classics.

When we were over his house and were skateboarding out front. Every time he saw one of us fall on our butts he would give us the ol' "careful you might put a crack in it" line. Classic Uncle

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MazdaGunner
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Techie Joke

Background, I work for a relatively large University as front line tech support for Staff and Students, walk up, phone, email, chat, etc.

Today was first day of classes so a large number of students and staff passed through our doors. Walk-ups take a number then we can press a button on our system to claim the next number and we can call them.

We had extra help today so not all of the tickets that were pushed were called.

I pull up my ticket system start clicking and calling, a lot of them, no response. I get to 404, call it out, no response so I repeat it and "Not Found? ok".

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AceofToons
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
🚨︎ report
A Dad and his daughter

A man in line in front of me getting ice cream at the local ice cream stand with his grown daughter.

Dad: flippin' bills Order now, my treat
Daughter: Sundae
Dad: It's Saturday

smirks and slyly looks around

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pingwing
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
🚨︎ report
My old friend's dad's goof on early 80's politics will take your heart hostage.

Once upon a time in the 80’s, the religious supreme ruler of a middle eastern country fled outside military forces seeking to strip him of his power using whatever means necessary. Fearing for his life, he was secretly smuggled into the US where he reluctantly shaved his beard and attempted to blend in.

He successfully went native and got an apartment, and soon realized he needed a job to pay for food and rent. He didn't want to do any sort of manual labor or serve others, as he craved comfortable control. He eventually became a toll booth operator, where he enjoyed sitting in his high chair, making people pay him so that he would grant them passage. Over time he grew bold and began to use his own judgment on what vehicles would pay him for his blessing to cross.

One day, two semi-tractor trailer beverage trucks were in his line, a Pepsi truck in front, and a Coke truck behind. The Pepsi truck pulled up and he said "Pepsi truck, you may pass for free." The Pepsi truck driver happily accepted, and over his CB radio told the Coke truck driver β€œThis guy just let me through for free!”. When the Coke truck pulled up, hoping to also pass for free, the toll booth dictator said "Coke truck, you will pay me 100 of your American dollars."

The Coke truck driver was livid, and said "You let that Pepsi truck pass for free! You want me to pay 100 dollars?! That’s outrageous! I am going to report this! What is your name?!" Our toll booth operator proudly replied "Ayatollah Cokemainly."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AllUpInMyRizznus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.