Folding Puns

Futon Harpoon

"A person always wins!"

Now I have salmonella.

(I’m sorry, it’s a fishy joke)

• My dad.

You keep it in a folder

She said "This one's queen. It goes in the guest room."

"Of course it's queen, it just came out of the wash!"

He made an okay sign with this hand and said "I bet you I can push my head through this hole." And he started to push his head on the hole, struggling to get it through and then he stuck his finger through the circle and pushed his head. The room groaned and I died laughing

You don’t know what you’re missing.

Because they always call the flop.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."

I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

A flier.

Because Apple don't want iPhone to be afoldable.

As his apprentice, I once assisted him at an exhibition and managed to lose the cutting implement he uses to prepare the paper for folding. I can’t believe I lost The Rock’s Paper Scissors.

It’s a waist of paper.

Some stories have hooks.

This story has a bloody good one.

It's about love—

Or at least marriage.

My marriage.

At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.

The hook's in the beginning.

Although it's really the tail end that's most moving—at least now, when our love's drying up.

Understand:

I'm a fisherman, and I caught my wife with another man.

Well, I caught the man first.

I used Craigslist.

But I suppose the details don't really matter. It's enough to know that by the time he was naked in the shed it was too late for him to change his mind.

He broke down easily. He wasn't particularly thick skinned.

That's where the hook came in—

pushed through a fold of flesh on his back.

He wasn't much in the size department, but I didn't intend for him to get hung up on it. Unfortunately, he kept trying to escape, so what choice did I have? Then he seemed quite insecure, so I pierced him with another steel hook just in case.

Like I said:

Bloody good hook.

After he stopped struggling, I took him down and dragged him to my boat. Then we went fishing.

Hold on, though.

I may need to backtrack a little, because you may be wondering how I even knew she was out there.

The answer is: I'd already seen her swimming a few times.

It was love at first sight.

Like many couples nowadays we met on the net.

So back to when I was fishing:

I was in my boat with the Craigslist man with the steel hooks in his back. I had tied a thick rope to one of the hooks, placed the man onto a net, and pushed them both overboard. He splashed and choked, attracting a lot of attention.

I waited for her call.

It came.

She sounded so near to me.

When she swam just close enough to the Craigslist man in the water, I pulled in the net—and there she was: shining, mine to the gills and writhing so enticingly!

I took her ashore.

I placed her in a water tank and told her she would be my wife.

I screwed her—

shut.

For days I watched her bang—

on the glass.

Until one day it happened: the glass cracked, the tank broke open, and with the water she spilled onto the floor.

Now here I am, watching my marriage fall apart.

Her gills are barely stirring.

Her face: dry and still.

It's only her scaly tail that's still gently moving.

I caught my wife with another man. I met her on the net. I thought our love would last forever, but now, listening to her shriek, I realize I was catfished! I wanted to marry a siren—but this thing is nothing

It's pointless.

It was on pay-per-view.

Bit of a scam though,

Both teams folded.

Michelangelobes

Eventually, I folded.

I’ve in-creased my output ten fold...

We called her Auntie Up.

It made a good ad visor.

He's known as "the Fender bender".

I said “no, mascarpone!”

Too bad it’s Payperview

He became a better bettor.

Because they shouldn’t be unveiled

She said "Move your dinner whilst I sort these clothes out."

I guess that makes it bi-sectional.

It’ll be on paper view.

It was replete with pleats.

The project is income pleat.

It’s on Paperview

I think they're half brothers.

That's a turn-up for the books.

https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/comments/8en80x/i_folded_a_receipt_into_a_row_boat_but_got_a_sale/

It’s on paper view.

You don't know what you're missing

I was de-pleated.