What weighs 1000 grams, smells like cheese and flaps its wings ferociously to stay in one place?

a kilobrie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beastofburping
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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They come running at the flap of a fin...

http://i.imgur.com/z0Klq6U.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Girdon_Freeman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2015
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When do birds stop flapping their wings?

When they sore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stickmanofdoom
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2016
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I was flapping my arms once per second for all of yesterday

and now it kinda hertz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lemonthighs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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What’s the difference between a mud man and a mud woman?

Mud flaps

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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After I got a new leather messenger bag, my Dad asked "Do you know what the number 1 use of cow hide is?"

"Holding cows together"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Battle_Claiborne
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2016
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Why did the fish cross the road?

For the halibut.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cayce_leighann
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle just below the knot.

 

 

Then ask someone, "which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?"

 

After they guess, let in unravel and go, "Its a tie!"

 

...continue doing this to every single person you can in the room wearing a shit eating grin the whole time, until your wife pulls you aside and tells you it's time to leave (out of embarrassment and frustration).

 

now you get to go back home and do Dad stuff as you please!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakjaklivs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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A left wing and right wing go to a bar....

Flap flap flap I'm a bird.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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If a goose can fly away from the sun at 20mph, how fast can he fly toward the sun?

puts hand over eyes and flaps the other arm like a wing 10mph.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/floragenocide
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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Made french toast for dinner and got my husband with this one

Made french toast for dinner and gave my husband his plate.

Him: "Yum, flapjacks!"

Me: "Nope, they're flap-jacques" :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jxoxo17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
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Fathers Day dad joke

In Australia Fathers Day is on the 1st of September. It was a really nice day for Fathers Day where I live, the weather was perfect so this afternoon we were sitting outside in the sun in our backyard which faces a river. A boat went past and we could hear a big dinging noise going on and on, like something metal tied to a cord was flapping around in the wind and banging something else metal.

Dad pipes up, "God, if I was that guy in the boat and had to listen to that every time I took it out I'd go crazy! I'd probably even keel over!"

Happy Fathers day Dad :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hodgkinsonable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
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My Dad's special occasion joke.

Whilst I really enjoy Dad jokes (why else would I be subscribed here) I cannot endorse this one at all, but every year or two Dad will break this one out at family gatherings, weddings and funerals.

A man was recently fired from his job and needed somewhere to make some money. Fortunately a circus was in town, so he went along to see if they had any vacancies.

When he walked onto the site he saw the main tent and walked in. The ringmaster came up to him and asked what he wanted.

"Can I have a job please?" said the man.

"Well what can you do?" replied the ringmaster.

The man thought about it for a bit before he knew what he was going to do. When it came to him he didn't say another word, but he brought his arms in like this (Dad proceeds to demonstrate by bringing his hand up to his armpits making wings) and started to flap his arms (Oh look, Dad's flapping his arms too).

Not much was happening at first, but slowly you could see his feet rise, ever so slowly off the ground. Eventually the man is a few meters off the ground, flapping his arms, but that's just the beginning.

He then flies to the top of the tent and starts speeding up, flying laps around the tent. He's showing off now, doing loop de loops and diving down. Eventually he feels he's shown his worth and lowers himself down to the ground.

He looks at the ringmaster and says "Well, what do you think?"

The ringmaster looks back and says "Is that all you can do?" (Long pause) "Bird Impressions?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Barabajagala
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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What noise does a bird make when he jacks off?

flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gracewaring
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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