I tried snapping my finger.

And that’s the reason why I have a cast on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DerrpSter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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So my girlfriends work has a 'joke day' tomorrow.

She works at JP Morgan doing data entry. They're all putting jokes in a box, and the best one wins a prize. What do y'all got?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigAction47
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2022
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A person says to a genie, "I wish for fame and fortunes." The genie snaps their fingers and says "your wish is granted," pulling a newspaper out of thin air.

The newspaper headline reads, "LOCAL MAN HAS FOUR CHINS!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2021
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I was trying to learn how to snap my fingers...

and then it clicked!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1toom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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What did Thanos say after he snapped his fingers?

Woah there partner, this could of been an endgame spoiler, better be more careful next time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MurtleWasHere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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My dad used to have me convinced he could stop the rain by snapping his fingers it was not until I was a little older that I realized

He would snap his fingers when we went under over passes.... Thought this belonged here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kogo_Shuko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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I can’t snap my fingers...

But I’m hoping someday, it’ll click.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Max1357913
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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guy: your clothes are gay

me: I know they just came out of the closet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MemesForDrugs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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I witnessed an interesting incident at the mall the other day

This guy walks out of a store screaming how they're cheats and frauds. He then proceeds to knock over a mannequin and a few other decorations.

He then buys a coffee, is a jerk to the cashier and then spills some on the floor. He walks away and snaps his fingers at the janitor to clean it up.

The last straw was when he walks up to a group of school kids and starts ranting about how they should drop out of school and rise up against the establishment.

Security finally escorted him out kicking and screaming. Finally things calmed down a bit.

All in all, it was just another dick in the mall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LateralAxes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I told the "apparent" joke on the front page to my manager

He asked if I had a book of dumbass jokes.

"No, just Reddit."

"Yeah, out of a book?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/j0rdanthi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked β€œbirthday,” and said:

β€œPick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Genies work differently than you think they do (long joke)

A man walks into a peculiar bar. There’s a small man no more than a foot tall playing the piano in the corner, men with horns and many other odd things. He noticed people huddled around a table. He walks up to the bartender and asks β€œwhat’s going on over there?” The bartender replies,” oh it’s a game, if you win a genie will grant you one wish”. β€œReally! Can I wish for anything!?” The Bartender says β€œyup just be specific and enunciate. Trust me” β€œHow do you play!?” The man asks excitedly β€œIt’s simple if you roll snake eyes you win. Everyone gets one chance and no more” The man runs over the the table and waits his turn. Once he gets up to the table he rolls snake eyes, he’s ecstatic. A genie appears over the table and says”you get one wish” The man is jumping up and down in excitement. He can hear the bartender saying something but ignores him and says”I want a million bucks!” The genie says”done” snaps his fingers and disappears. In that moment one million male deer, elk, antelope and other animals fill the bar spilling out into the street. After several minutes the stampede leaves the bar and the man says” what was that that wasn’t what I wanted!?” The bartender says β€œwhat did I say!? I told you to be specific and enunciate!” β€œOooh I see But how did you know that would happen” the man says β€œDo you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirOrville
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
The little blue man

A little blue man finds a little yellow string and doesnt know what it's for so he goes into his little blue bedroom and asks his little blue wife what it's for. She says she doesnt know and that he should ask the little red man.

So he goes out his little blue bedroom down his little blue stairs, down the little blue hallway, out the little blue door, down the little blue path, out the little blue gate down the little blue path and out the little blue village. Into the little red village, up the little red road, though the little red gate, up the little red path, though the little red door up the little red hallway and into the little red living room and asked the little red man "do you know what this little yellow string is for" and he replied "no clue go ask the little green man"

So he goes out the little red living room, down the little red hallway, out the little red door, down the little red path, out the little red gate down the little red path and out the little red village. Into the little green village, up the little green road, though the little green gate, up the little green path, though the little green door up the little green hallway and into the little green living room and asked the little green man "do you know what this little yellow string is for" and he replied "no clue go ask the little brown man"

So he goes out the little green living room, down the little green hallway, out the little green door, down the little green path, out the little green gate down the little green path and out the little green village. Into the little brown village, up the little brown road, though the little brown gate, up the little brown path, though the little brown door up the little brown hallway and into the little brown living room and asked the little brown man "do you know what this little yellow string is for" and he replied "no clue go ask the little yellow man"

So he goes out the little brown living room, down the little brown hallway, out the little brown door, down the little brown path, out the little brown gate down the little brown path and out the little brown village. Into the little yellow village, up the little yellow road, though the little yellow gate, up the little yellow path, though the little yellow door up the little yellow hallway and into the little yellow living room and asked the little yellow man "do you know what this little yellow string is for" and he replied " yeah when you get home pull it for a suprise"

So he g

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nagyourtoe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Once there was a young man called Benny who rescued a leprechaun....

... In return the leprechaun said he would live young and healthy forever as long as he never shaved his beard. Benny live for many, many, many years always young and healthy and had a glorious beard. One day, as can happen to any man, Benny met a beautiful woman. After a wonderful courtship he asked her to marry him. She agreed on the condition that he shave his beard. Benny thought about this for a long time and tried a few things like trimming his beard really short to see what would happen. When nothing happened he decided he could probably risk shaving his beard but leaving his mustache and sideburns. As soon as you finish shaving the leprechaun appeared, shook his head, and snapped his fingers. Benny immediately dropped to the floor and turned into a pile of dust. His fiance was so upset that she could not bear to part with him. So she put his dust into a beautiful Grecian urn. Which just goes to show a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fedoranz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
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Christmas Tree Shopping

The wife, kids and I were out at the lot to cut down our tree.

The guide asked us if we wanted to be shown where the pine tree lot was.

I did the "oh no you didn't" double snap of my fingers and said:

Birch, Please!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zackprice
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
🚨︎ report
Want me to make you a sandwich?

Dad: Hey, want me to make you a sandwich?

Me: Sure dad!

Dad: snaps fingers Presto chango! You are now a sandwich.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ignatius87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
🚨︎ report

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