Daughter: Eww! There's a fly in my water

Dad: Don't worry, it won't drink very much

Scenes from last night's dinner table

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👤︎ u/tetrix_
📅︎ May 02 2020
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A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"

" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"

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👤︎ u/tjeters
📅︎ May 22 2020
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Got played by my niece the other day

I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"

Confused, I responded "Eww?"

And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.

Ah...."Eww."

Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.

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📅︎ Aug 30 2020
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Overruled.
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👤︎ u/dannydeemz
📅︎ Feb 01 2019
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This is the whey.
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📅︎ Dec 01 2019
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A coworker came up to me and said '144'.

I told him 'Eww, that's gross'.

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👤︎ u/dtc2002
📅︎ May 26 2020
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Eating green ice cream together

Dad: hey, you wanna try some of this ice cream, it's green.

10 y/o Daughter: eww, is that booger flavor?

Dad: no, it's not

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👤︎ u/mortyd1
📅︎ Apr 20 2020
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What does a nut allergy sound like?

CASH-EWW!

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📅︎ May 22 2019
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Playing bridge is like having sex

If you don't have a good partner you'd better have a good hand

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📅︎ Mar 08 2018
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Guys, I haven't showered since LAST YEAR
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👤︎ u/Philway
📅︎ Jan 01 2017
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Pickled bread

"Try my girlfriends pickled bread, she uses dill dough".....

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👤︎ u/MilPens
📅︎ Mar 19 2018
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What did Trump say when he tasted some bad Korean food ?

Kim jung eww

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📅︎ Nov 30 2018
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My mom got me and she didn't know it.

My mom was cleaning out a dish with her hand saying eww the whole time. I asked her why she was using her fingers..... "Because it was handy"

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👤︎ u/reketch
📅︎ Apr 17 2014
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What were you eating under there?

Unsuspecting child being asked the question: "Under where??"*

"UNDERWEAR!!? EWW!"

 

*I was told this joke in elementary school by one of the teacher aides ...she randomly approached me as we were coming in from the playground and I was so confused by the question, I answered "What?" " I wasn't eating!" "What do you mean?" and "Under what?!" until she finally gave up and said "no you're supposed to answer "under WHERE" !!

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📅︎ Jul 08 2016
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Dad joked the SO before dinner

My SO was about to eat dinner to which I asked her, "What're you gonna have?"

She responded with, "Dirty rice and some beef."

To which I couldn't help myself, "Eww, that's disgusting."

Her: "Oh yeah, I forgot you don't like rice."

Me: "It's not that I don't like rice so much as you should clean it first."

Didn't go over well.... Status: I'm single now.

EDIT: Didn't actually dump me. It was sarcasm, but, you know, text.....

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👤︎ u/MercySoul
📅︎ Apr 25 2014
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My customer wound up making me look foolish for this one.

I came up with a fresh bowl of peas, and the little girl inched away nervously (stranger danger, and all). I tried to ease her by saying:

"Don't worry. I come in peas."

Cue awkward pause.

Her mom chimed in: "I get it." She still didn't laugh.

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👤︎ u/NewLeaf37
📅︎ May 27 2014
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Driving along when a large bug hits the window in front of my son

He exclaims "EWW". I said don't worry it does not have enough guts to do that again.

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👤︎ u/Lurkahere
📅︎ Jul 04 2014
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Dropped this sweet one on the gf while she was making salad.

The tomate looked dark, I told her "eww"

She says, "they're herloom tomatoes"

I reply with "so they've been handed down, generation to generation?"

groans

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📅︎ Aug 14 2014
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My co-worker dad joked me

We were at the work cafe and he was ordering a date scone. I said: "Eww, I don't like dates" He replied: "And that's why you're single!"

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👤︎ u/nzgabriel
📅︎ Mar 31 2014
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