Ear pick Puns

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

The magician pulls a quarter from the fisherman's ear. The fisherman looks at the magician annoyed. The magician says can you do any better? The fisherman says sure and then pauses. The magician says annoyed "How are you going to start the trick. The fisherman just says... Pick a cod, any cod!

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

lecture about US political culture

Prof: You guys like magic

Class: Yeah!

Prof: Okay I need a volunteer

I raised my hand so he picked me

Prof: Okay pull out a dollar bill and point out the wings of the bald eagle

I do

Prof: Okay I want you to fold the bill 3 times long ways then hand it to me

i fold it then hand it to him

Prof: You can still see the wings right? okay I am now going to fold it sideways into 3rds then I want you to hold out 3 fingers with your palm up

he places the folded bill onto my fingers with the center third flat on my hand

Prof: now say wing 3 times

Me: Wing wing wing

prof picks up the bill and holds it up to his ear

Prof: Hello?? This is Professor Frank, who is this?

The whole class couldn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes xD

I was picking my 16 year old from her job at the donut shop. The air conditioner had broken during her shift and she complained that it was so hot she had sweat in her ears. I asked, "Does everything sound wet and salty?" "No, dad" "Yarrrrr (in standard Piratese) How about now?"

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

To preface, we work at a coffee shop. A somewhat picky customer comes up and orders a 16 ounce chai tea latte, with soy milk. My coworker tells me all of this, and that the customer would like the drink at exactly 140°F. I make the drink, and call it out to be picked up: "16 ounce soy milk chai!"

My coworker comes over and says, "Hopefully she likes it, I've had to remake her drink a couple times before." I replied with:

"Well I certainly chai-ed soy hard when I made it."

Eye rolling and groans all around while I grinned ear to ear.

Backstory: Dad gets splinter, mom asks me to hold flash light, I start to get the feeling that I am about to pass out (ears ringing, tunnel vision, light headed.)

Me: Sorry I couldn't be of help, I was about to pass out, my ears starting ringing...

Dad:...Your ears started ringing?

Me: Yeah...

Dad: Well did you pick em up?!

I picked up some friends from the airport who were traveling back from a Holiday trip around Europe last night. After asking them how they were, one of my friends were complaining about their left ear feeling full and they couldn't hear out of it. So naturally, I looked over and asked, "So you're alright, then?"

I was at my parent's place picking up my little munchkin, when my dad walks up grinning from ear to ear.

Dad: "Hey son, I came up with a new million dollar idea! Want to hear it?"
Me (already rolling eyes): "Sure let's hea--"

Dad: "Well you invent a device that lets you paint pictures on a TV with a remote control. You know, really explore your creativity!"

"I call it Mozart."

He then snorted and slapped his knee.

laying in my with my girlfriend, phone alarm goes off, hit snooze, we wake up gradually anyways, start milling about the room, snooze goes off

GF: Who's calling?

pick up phone, put it to my ear

Me: Hello, alarm? Yes, this is James. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS CALL ME EVERY MORNING?!?!?

Sitting in a lecture I was playing with a piece of paper, crushing to a vague bowl shape, which I subsequently placed on my knee so that it looked kind of like a little hat. My friend leans over and picks it up, but then puts it back, saying, "It fits perfectly."

So I lean back and whisper in his ear,

"That's because it's a knee cap."

I was in music class today and my teacher picked up a folder a pupil in the previous class had left behind. The folder was labelled 'French' and on top of it there was a book that said 'Speaking Book' (obviously referring to French Speaking practice).

My music teacher then opened the book and put it to his ear. With a confused look on his face he exclaimed: 'Well I can't hear anything!' Groaning from all the class then ensued.

Friend: "Ugh, so annoying. My ear's ringing"

Me: "Well you better pick up!"

So I work in a distribution wearhouse for an orange chainsaw company and I work there with my dad.

So a few of the guys in the wearhouse like to wear toques, a winter hat that covers your ears for you non-Canadians, and my dad mentioned this to me as we're heading off to lunch so I say, "well, I guess there are toque kinds of people...". Even my dad groaned.

One of the afore mentioned toque wearing guys was picking a particularly big order consisting of mostly gloves, and he starts complaining that there are too many damn gloves in this order. So I sarcastically replied, "I bet you just gloved picking that order." He just turned around and walked away and didn't speak to me the rest of the day.

I told him my ears were ringing.

"Well pick up then"