My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just won’t come. She’s tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said β€œany means necessary.”

To which I replied β€œNo it doesn’t.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshStartGo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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My rooster is an artist. He draws on plates and I add arms and numbers, but for the life of me I can’t tell if he’s drawing snakes, mountains, teepee’s, etc., so I finally asked him and he said:

Clock’s a doodled doo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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There’s this coin wrapper that can roll any coin: pennies, nickels, dimes etc. Just roll it up to a marked spot and voila, a perfect roll.

My favorite wrapper is the fifty cent piece

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πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybreath
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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I want to Express my daughter's age as a fraction 6/12, 9/12, 16/12 etc.. my wife is really upset about it.

In our house It's really causing some division

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lornstar7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Before quarantine my father loved to tell jokes related to the context, he said police jokes to policemen, bar jokes in bars, dad jokes to other dads etc... And he misses it

Now it's only inside jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lorettooooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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I recently walked down a street with the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb etc

That was a trip down memory lane

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrNakamura
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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Question, do I have to watch oneis twois etc before I watch tennis?

(Get it?)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anonymousmr152
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate those "loyalty cards" that you get from Starbucks, etc.

I got "too many" points on one of them, and now I'm not allowed to drive :(

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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My wife found out she's pregnant (pregante, pragnent, etc.) and graduated college at the same time!

She earned her MA degrees!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Dude’s going to Maine and there’s a city called β€œBangor” which is kind of like the word β€œbanger” which means really cool, fun, great, etc.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jt146
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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Dracula's wife is divorcing him because he cheated. She wants it all, the castles the coffins, etc...

She's going to bleed him dry!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.

No really, you can’t make this up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cujo92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I always try to show my appreciation for the people at the movie theater who sell me my popcorn, soda, candy, etc.

After all, these people make a lot of concessions at work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gideonindc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don’t companies release a model 9 for their products (iPhone 9, Windows 9, etc.) ?

Because 7 8 9

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoBoiRudy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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My daughter is 14 and dating. Her boyfriend’s name is Braden, I think..so I just use any B name that comes to mind to annoy her. Braden, Brody, Bradley, Brandon, Bruce, Bryce, etc. Looking for more suggestions! I also talk gangster to her all the time to get her going. Being a β€˜Dad Joke’ Dad is fun!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lachrondizzle23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 king’s day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.

This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.

Photos here:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3

Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sloanautomatic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Friend was deathly allergic to peanuts so Dad was asking if he was allergic to all type of nuts, hazelnuts, walnuts etc. He went silent...

"how about donuts?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/likerumonthefire
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
If I’m out in space, and I crush up fruits, vegetables, berries etc to be thrown into the galaxy, would that be considered a space jam? reddit.com/r/teenagers/co…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theangelsspark
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My kids' diapers have characters like Eeyore, Tigger, Piglet, etc...

Occasionally I tell my wife, "We can't use that one, it already has Pooh on it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kuzinrob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I hope I don't get banned from Reddit if I were to start subs related to toboggans, fedoras, beanies, caps, visors, sombreros, etc.

Because then I'd be promoting hat groups.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
🚨︎ report
[Request] Puns about bugs/insects etc and Christmas
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamIsNotOnToast
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2017
🚨︎ report
1. Blue plastic bucket for watering, car-washing, etc. 2. Red plastic bucket for mopping floors, cleanup from painting, plumbing disasters. 3. Green metal pail for compostable table scraps.

...and that's my Bucket List.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A chef found that the second, third, fifth, seventh, 11th, etc. batches of broth he made would turn into simple organic molecules

Turns out it was prime ordinal soup!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orlen86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Start a shop selling rugs, mats etc. Call it...

Carpet Diem

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πŸ‘€︎ u/masterconjuror
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
🚨︎ report
People in cities who grow their own basil, oregano, etc...

Are herb-an farmers

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CronoZero15
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Need a pun for a name with geography, world locations, etc.

Some friends and I are in a group message with all our names as geography puns, like Anna Montanta, etc. One guy, Joey, also goes by Joe needs one. We've all out our heads together but who other than Reddit to come up with the best one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thinking_too_hard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2016
🚨︎ report
I should start a company that makes sinks, bathtubs, toilets, etc.

I'll call it Rub A Tub Tub.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talking_bacon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Justin Bieber should hire a stand-in for shows for when he gets sick etc. called..

Justin Case

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haandvask1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Anytime and every time we see a boat at the seaside, lake, river etc...

"I can see a boat, canoe?"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hakunamatattas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
🚨︎ report

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