I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.

Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Cruise go brr
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TelepathicPsych
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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This sub is going downhill
πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic

It’s syncing now

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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My son asked me, β€œAre vampires real?”

I said, β€œNo, unless you Count Dracula.”

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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Got this from r/memes. Thought it belonged here.
πŸ‘︎ 307
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eucliditorian
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.

I replied β€œcan I at least Taekwondo?”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forkingbread
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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I came home and saw a note from my wife stuck on the fridge: β€œI’m sorry. This isn’t working. You take things too literally. Goodbye.”

She will be so happy when she finds out I ordered a new one.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
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Today I bumped into the guy who had sold me an antique globe.

It’s a small world.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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My wife said that I don’t have any empathy.

I don’t understand why she feels that way.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend..

My wife is still angry about it but me & Dave were drunk and thought it was hilarious

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnrlp2007
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
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Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingNZ
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
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What did the hypocrite say?

Don't be a hypocrite.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avianthon8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
πŸ‘︎ 683
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErikDied
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer…

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it…

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2017
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Why did the computer crash?

It was a hard drive.

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BatManSaidSo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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Had my best man speech for my best friends wedding yesterday and I finished with a great one

"Well this has been a really emotional day, gosh...even the wedding cake is in tiers." Got lots of heavy sighing, laughs and tons of boos....I was very happy with the reception

  • thanks for the upvotes! Never thought I'd see the front page, it's been a pun-ishing wait to get there
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustinioForza
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2016
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So my cousin posted on Facebook today #IVotedForGary

My dad Gary responded:

"Thanks man, but I wasn't even running. I was walking."

Edit: Woah, this blew up more than I expected. Thanks, guys. I'll make sure to thank my dad for the fake internet points for a joke that made me groan. He's gonna love it.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HypnoticPeaches
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
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Dis you hear about the man who was hospitalised after using a baguette as an improvised sex toy?

The doctor said it was a complete pain in the ass.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApacheFlame
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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If 2 vegans are fighting with each other, is it still called beef?
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laurenthedesigner
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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My voicemail Says "leave your name and number..."

Every time my dad calls, he leaves a voicemail saying "Dad, Number 1."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HighlightTime
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
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If You Punch Yourself and It Hurts, Are You Weak or Are You Strong?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hour4masterpiece
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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Bus driver dad joked the entire bus.

I was on a bus route headed to Target to pick up some groceries. I was in a hurry so I had opted for the express route. The bus picks up on the part of my college campus where the streets are named after the great lakes. We pass Erie and Ontario, and the bus driver comes over the intercom and says:

"This bus will be express from Huron out."

Everybody groans, the driver has a good chuckle, and I begin laughing like a maniac.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LurchPuppy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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Got my boss during a stocktake tonight

I was scanning bays 400-415 and when I reached bay 404 I turned to my boss and said with a straight face "I just got an error. It's saying the bay cannot be found..." He asked what bay I was up to and I told him 404.

He looked at me with an unimpressed face while a colleague said that was beyond nerdy. I chuckled to myself for the next few minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 693
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Khanicus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2014
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Old joke that has stuck with me

So there was this hitman named Arti, renown for his very affordable prices. One day, he gets 3 contracts. He follows them around, keeping track of their daily habits, and finds that each of them go to the the grocery store after work at the same time.

Planning to get all 3 at once, he makes him move and like always, was extremely successful.

The next day, the headlines read, "Arti Chokes 3 for a dollar at Safeway"

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluefootedpig
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2015
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If you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Flo0r_is_Lava
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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[request] Puns about economics
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adaml316
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
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Me: 1 manager: 0

I'm a college kid that works fast food part time to pay the bills. However, I managed to get two of my friends jobs there aswell, and our manager is pretty cool. So we have good times there and it's never quiet.

Anyway, I was bagging up an order, and my manager thought it would be funny to follow me and tell me exactly how to do everything; open the bag, put the box in the bag, receipt in the bag, blah blah blah and so on. Once I had handed out the order, she was like,

"Alright job, thanks to me".

I responded,

"Oh yeah you were great. They should promote you to micromanager."

Got a good laugh out of everybody, and it will be on my life's highlight reel if I have anything to say about it

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boy_Wonder22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
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At a drive-thru today...

drive-thru employee: "Hello welcome to blah blah what can I get for you?"

me: "uhhh...give me one minute"

drive-thru employee: "got it, one minute...will that be everything?"

πŸ‘︎ 236
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wafflewrestler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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oh, your house number is 747?

so I'm really interested in this girl, and she wanted to watch a movie with me at her place. I ask for her house address and the conversation is more or less this:

"oh my address is 747 blah blah blah st."

"I didn't know you lived on a jumbo jet!"

"That was awful."

"I know I'm sorry I was way out of line with that. It was a pretty plane and Boeing joke. I'm glad your feelings aren't up in the air about it though."

I might have heard a groan from twenty miles away.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bister_Mungle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2016
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Dad bought a degree

From Tuktoyaktuk University, soley because it said "blah blah blah blah, degree from Tuk U."

He thinks it's hilarious.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/speddie24
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
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Talking with a college communist at work...

CC: "He [a professor] actually taught my favorite class, [something blah of something]..."

I: "I thought your favorite class was the proletariat?"

CC: "GET OUT!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemo_sum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2016
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Frankly put...

So I was talking to my friend today and this happened:

"Blah...blah.... blah.... I'm really struggling with this class that I'm taking right now. And frankly put..... I need to get my shit together."

As soon as I've finished my sentence, he immediately replied with: "That's what Frank would've said."

It made me chuckled a little bit and I instantly thought of this subreddit.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bqk178
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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Listening to the radio with my dad ( Sorry if someone posted something similar before.)

Radio: Attention, an Amber Alert has been issued for the area of ______. Blah blah blah

Dad: That Amber, she's always getting lost. I mean, they had to make a whole alert system for her!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheInvizible
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
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Tutu

I work in IT for a school district. I was responding to a work order for a teacher at a Jr. High and he had a class in session so I stood quietly in the back until he had a free moment.

Teacher was explaining the objective for the day: "2-1 (two one is blah blah blah), and 2-2 (two two is blah blah blah)

Student: heh you said tutu

Teacher: tutu, yeah I like the ballet. (He makes a curtsy and it was funny because he is a larger guy). I was so hungry once I ate the tutu and it hurt my ballet (as he pats his tummy).

It took a second and the class burst out in laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thai_mish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2014
🚨︎ report

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