My friend told me if I want to get out of doing the dishes, try dropping some of them. I tried it, it didn't work.

But then during babysitting.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Mike Bloomberg do after the speech on dropping out of the presidential race?

Mic drop

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear about AT&T and Verizon dropping out of an upcoming conference due to corona virus concerns?

It’s probably a good thing considering they’re both well-known carriers.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dizmodo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
An educated Rhinoceros was considering dropping out of university, which he thought was juvenile and cheesy.

He said "I can't be bothered with all this uni-corn".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
🚨︎ report
[Dark] Reports came out that suicide rates actually dropped during the pandemic despite people's worst fears. I guess it's true what they say...

No noose is good noose.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ClawBadger
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I was out shopping and dropped my glass of pickles

I called for the janitor and told him it was kind of a big dill

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the stormtrooper drop out of school?

He was feeling aimless.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/roeswood
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did a pirate drop out of school early?

he had seven c's

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/artfillin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My career counsellor keeps encouraging me to drop out.

Thanks to her, I’m graduating from Sky diving school.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.

She did not hold Up well.

πŸ‘︎ 305
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mortalfloater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I dropped a piece of ice, and it slid out of reach. I decided to let it be.

It’s just water under the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/truthcopy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the tree drop out of school?

He kept failing twigonometry.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Bernie Sanders dropped out...

He is practicing Socialist Distancing.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HanlonRazor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cow who dropped out of school to start a computer business?

He made lots of moola.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:Β  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.Β Β  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!Β  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.Β Β  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.Β Β Β  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!Β Β  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.Β Β  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.Β  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.Β Β  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.Β Β Β  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,Β  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.Β Β Β  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.Β Β Β  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!Β Β  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!Β Β  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.Β  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"Β  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/terjulmar
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a friend named Kelvin, but we always call him 'absolute zero'...

...because he dropped out of college.

Zero-degree Kelvin.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when a trashy person drops out of school?

They have no class

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_otterinabox
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Drop an ant in water to figure out its gender.

If it sinks: girl ant

If it floats: boy ant

πŸ‘︎ 130
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/akerue
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to throw out all the snacks my wife made for New Year's Eve as soon as the ball dropped

They were a year old

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joey_Jingle_Bells
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
After explaining to his parents that he was going to drop out of med school and instead focus on being a mime,

they said, "you don't say!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the Orange drop out of school?

He couldn't concentrate.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghosttwo
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I was on an amazing cruise, eating dinner on the deck looking out over the water when I dropped my silverware off the edge and into the ocean.

It was un-fork-getable.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_grand
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to University to study to be a doctor.

Unfortunately, I had to drop out. I just didn't have the patients.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Neighbor's dad dropped this one on us when we went out for brunch

Waitress: How do you like your eggs?

Dad: Mmmm... I like my eggs

Waitress: How do you like them cooked?

Dad: Oh, even better!

πŸ‘︎ 173
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jchives
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
🚨︎ report
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
People who drop out of school have no principals or class.
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Taking dad out to dinner and he dropped one on the waiter (of course he did)...

He ordered a burger.

Server: "How would you like that cooked?"

Dad: "On the grill, preferably."

Dad had to clarify that he was just joking because the server was dumbfounded. Server said he didn't laugh because if my dad was serious and he did laugh, he'd be in trouble.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ookitarepanda
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2016
🚨︎ report
Was making roast lamb for dinner and dropped the tray out of the oven .

It was a ca-lamb-ity.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/torakwho
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife said to me: ''Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?''

So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the the fifth captain drop out of the sailing race?

He had a sense of four boating.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crotchfirefly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2011
🚨︎ report
My dad wrote out a check to my business and then dropped it in front of me.

When it landed on the table he said "Good, it didn't bounce!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ottosjackit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Uncle dropped this dad joke on some out-of-townies...

Him: "So, where are you from?" Them: "We're from Buffalo! And you?" Him: "We're from normal parents!"

Both of us were cracking up, and for a few moments they looked at us going, huh?

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/le_x_le
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Grandad always hated the milkman

My grandad always hated the milkman. Every time the guy limped up to the door (he’d had his foot damaged in the war) to drop off our delivery grandad would always grumble and mutter. I asked the old man what he had against the milkman. I never got a good answer.

It wasn’t until years later that I figured out that grandad was just lack toes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlephInfite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the 14th century physician drop out of medical school?

Because he had no sense of humors

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UnfunnyClinician
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Cleaning out my Dad's closet when he drops this gem

He picks up a news article he saved over the years and says "guess by now it's called the olds." Of course followed by the little chuckle to himself.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tendacrisp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
🚨︎ report
While gardening with out doughter I dropped this one. It was pretty simple but I liked it.

Me: This hose must be a dominatrix.

Girlfriend: What?

With a shit eatting grin I say: Its kinky!

Girlfriend: Que sigh + eyeroll

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gotelc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
🚨︎ report
A guy in the pub dropped this on me, I've proceeded to get many a groan out of it.

Don't you find that lollipop men make you cross?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LoweJ
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad dropped this one while out for dinner

"I've never quite warmed up to iced coffee"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chocolatemonroe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2014
🚨︎ report
My academic advisor keeps encouraging me to drop out.

Thanks to him, I’m soon graduating from the Sky Diving school.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Two bananas are sitting at a drag strip

When the light drops the first banana split, the other peeled out.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorMinceMeat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report

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