My friend, the anthropomorphic cell phone was in dire Straits

He walked into the police station and yelled "help! I'm on five per cent!" First, a cop punched him. Then, one of them plugged him in to a power bank Suddenly he had reached 100%. It was a miracle They charged him with assault and battery

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WalterNewton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Some people love jokes about Dire Straits

But they’re Knopfler me

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skepticCanary
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A pun related to these dire times..
πŸ‘︎ 156
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/english_avocado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
the need for puns is dire...

I am requesting the shittiest, most terrible, most horrible dad level puns you can throw my way. Puns that would make others projectile vomit with their horribleness. Puns so aweful and sad, that it'd make me want to hug you and ask you....are you okay?

so send them my way. or there will be a severe....PUNishment...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nirvanaspirit666
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
If Dire Straits robbed a grocery store, they'd get honey for nothing and chips for free.
πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lol_camis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Dire Straits and Chris Rea are getting together. The new group will be called Dire Rea.
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Heroine

I walked into a substance abuse clinic for my second meeting yesterday. The doctor knew I had a severe crush on women super heros...today he told me the news.

"Sir I'm afraid it's dire, you need to be checked in immediately for your heroine addiction"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Flameman1995
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an arabic prince who's a Dire Straits fan?

the sultans offspring

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/St_Addi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Chris Rhea and Dire Straits are getting together to form a supergroup...

... they are going to be know as Chris Straits.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lazlowoodbine
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2017
🚨︎ report
My stomach is acting up

I have a bad case of dire rear

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SubfurSir
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens to cowboys when they get food poisoning?

They get dire yee-haw.

Source: I have food poisoning and am dying. The dehydration has led my mind to some cowboy related place I guess. Also dire hee-haw works better but I don't know anything about what cowboys say.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lightxspeed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
IRS Auditor: For your tax return, you just wrote down β€œMoney for Nothing, Checks for Free??”

Me: Am I in trouble?

Auditor: Yes. In Dire Straits.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm disappointed in the the overuse of Dad jokes in today's society

We're a fairly advanced society, we need jokes with content that makes us think. All these easy laughs are making us dumber by the second, and we just keep rewarding them with upvotes that convince the lazy among us to keep churning out lazy jokes. Comedy is one of the only common traits things in every society and culture on this planet and we may not always agree with what is funny, it's very subjective, but no society or culture has no comedy. It's one of the most effective unifiers in all human existence. Of course it's just my two cents, but we really need to avoid cheapening it. There are 6500 spoken languages in the world and this is the most widely spoken, the least spoken languages of course being sign language. Someone once said "a world without laughter would be like a world without warmth, a dark hole in the ground filled with cold water." I know they mean well, but I think it's worse than that. There are three unwritten rules for how comedy should function in the world. We have to learn to follow them or we're doomed as a people, forever, however just like there are two butts in the word "assassin", there are two caveats to this dire situation with lessons learned from the best there is. One is the lesson we can take from Switzerland, I'm not entirely sure what makes them so good at integrating comedy into their lives, but their flag is a huge plus. The other is the lesson we can learn from farmers who know how to put what's important first, how to put in the effort into growing something, and they are always outstanding in their field. We get too caught up in standard modalities of thinking and none of us are totally all right, in fact most of us are at least close to half left. In closing, the absence of comedy when you really think about it, is fear. Fear of the ups and downs of life, much like a fear of elevators. And just like a fear of elevators, we all must take steps to avoid it. Thank you for your time.

Disappointed

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mnemonikos82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
The judge didn't laugh.

I'm a lawyer who clerks for a judge. We had a long, tedious day of jury selection, a process known as voir dire (pronounced vwar-deer). After 6 hours of work, I looked at him and said "after this voir dire, I could sure use a voir beer!"

Crickets.

πŸ‘︎ 205
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2016
🚨︎ report
My doctor lectured me that drinking too much coffee would make me have to pee a lot.

At first I was really concerned, but then I realized it was just dire rhetoric.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jodv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2017
🚨︎ report
I learned to empathize with the homeless by singing Mark Knopfler's ballads

They made me feel like I was in dire straits.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Tax audit guy: It says in your file that you have money for nothing and checks for free.

Man: Am I in trouble?

Tax guy: Yes. In Dire Straits.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.