I (22f) live with my best friend “Brooke” (23f) in a 2 bedroom apt. Brooke owns the apt, but I pay her rent & utilities to live in the spare bedroom.
Brooke is a HUGE health/fitness nut. She goes to the gym for hours almost every day and only ever eats healthy food and counts every calorie. I love how motivated she is, but I’m not really suited to that lifestyle. I exercise a few times a week and try to eat nutritiously and am generally fit, but I suffer from depression, meaning I find it difficult to be as active and disciplined as her. When I moved in with Brooke, she made it clear that she wanted me to adopt her lifestyle. She hates sweets, fried food, etc. and didn’t want them in the apt.
This was going well at first, but with so much going on in my life and my depression worsening, I found it hard to keep up with her regimen. She started counting my calories along with hers and criticizing my eating. I developed major body image issues. Every time I told her it made me uncomfortable, she insisted that she was only looking out for me.
This is where the depression cakes come in. I LOVE cake. It makes me feel better when I’m depressed, so I’ll occasionally buy a small one if I’m feeling rough. Knowing her feelings on junk food, I’ve been keeping my cakes in a small cooler under my bathroom sink (she uses a different bathroom). On my bad days I’ll lock my door and eat a slice. If she asks I say I’m journaling bc I know she’ll shame me for being unhealthy.
A couple days ago she went into my bathroom to look for toilet paper rolls. That’s when she found my latest depression cake. She confronted me about it, furious. Said I was ruining my health and throwing away the work she put in to help me. Most of all, she was angry that I lied to her and kept the cakes a secret knowing they were banned in her apt.
I feel terrible for breaking her rules in HER home, but also it’s just cake and I think it’s unfair of her to tell me what to eat. She demanded I throw away what’s left of the cake, which I did, but I’m genuinely confused if I’m at fault here. AITA?
But I met a few really good friends and my life is in a lot better place now. Im really happy I found reddit and the rest of my life. c:
I’ve tried this (https://totallythebomb.com/vanilla-crazy-cake) classic recipe with amazing reviews twice, doubling the baking time. However, the cake still has a very big raw layer, especially in the middle.
The problem might be that I always use gram measurements and converted one and a half cup of flour to 180 grams (1 cup = 120g/4,23 oz). This is what I always go buy, but could it be that the author and most people fit more into their “cup”, so my version simply had too much liquid compared to flour?
Wanted to share a bit of my story, maybe it'll be of help to some people. So i was always a shy kid ever since I remember myself, when I got to middle school i started having depression it's kinda mild at the beginning but got worse over the years, high school was even worse with my first suicide attempt there. Felt like nobody was able to help me, no friends not family not therapist, i felt alone as if all the weight of the world was on my shoulders, life got repetitive, felt like a downward spiral, couldn't find happiness at all, everything felt meaningless.
Then I took a year for myself after highschool and felt like I really progressed, but then I got to the army (mandatory here) All progress I've had felt like was completely vanished, i had my first panic/anxiety attack, felt extreme emotions or complete numbness. Almost Second suicide attempt but I stopped myself before hitting the trigger. Then i went to a new therapist, a private one and after a few times with him, i felt alive again.
I'm feeling better than ever.
A few tips for anyone dealing with things, might not work for you
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Whenever you feel frustrated about something think why you feel that way, maybe because its unfair or something else and tell yourself it's worng to think life should be fair, kinda cruel to think this way but it helps for the frustration so much.
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You want to feel alive like you have control over your reality, dont overthink stuff, its a bad habit, like smoking, try to think only about the moment. And I know very well it seems impossible but it's a skill you learn, if i managed everyone can.
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I guess most people have low self esteem with depression, like a package that comes together, so try and work on that, maybe affirmations is the way to go for you, maybe notes all over the place, look in YouTube for positive affirmations you'll find something that suits you.
So much more i can't write here so good luck everyone, believe in yourself, its worth living life, don't lose your one and only self.
