I said "well damn"
It stands for
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
The feta of the world was in her hands.
,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.
The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''
,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I want is for wars to end.'' She drags forth a handy map of the world. ,,See these countries? They are scarred with ancient bloodfeuds. You should show them peace. Yes, that's my wish.''
,,B-but ma'm, that's impossible! Their hearts are so hardened, and I would have to prevent droughts and hunger and disarm all threats...-'' pleas the genie desperately.
,,Very well, since you're so tired, I guess I'll settle for something else. Now... I've been without a man for so long, and my last husband was nothing short of a rat, so I'd like a man. A man that... does the laundry and the dishes and vaccuums the house. He must be gentle in manners but wild and talented in bed, and of course sexy and handsome. He must love me more than anything else in this world and tell me so each day with a bouquet of flowers. But most of all he'll have to understand me. Yes, that's what I want, the perfect man.''
The genie sighs. ,,Just give me the fucking map.'
A can't.
Chairman Mayo
Unstable
No, but Jerry can!
Trash can't
A club sandwich.
(My first joke that's not stolen from my brother).
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
You Urn it
A mason jar
Pulp Fiction
They were marooned.
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.
It's an honest way to urn a living
It was hard-pour corn.
But it was a pack of lyes.
Man I’m glad that’s out of the whey.
Envelope
Because everyone's been telling me to buy the dip.
rectangular container
Construction workers who installed water pipes containing Pb.
He told me it was his first attempt at spam mail.
'chicken'
Password must contain a capital
'chickenkiev'
He really urn-ed it.
It was hummuside.
He said: "These may contain antioxidants, but they don't have anti-accidents!"
It's the eye roll
Looks like the boa cons tricked her...
Spine
Because it said my password had to contain 8 characters and at least one capital.
He posted a clip containing hard pour corn.
That's alot of information to swallow.
So mind your pees in queues.
Sometimes I think she takes me for granite.
I think it was Scampoo.
Warning
This film contains images of boobies and cocks.
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
