Not raising your child
Because it’s cultured.
They have Valhallet parking
A couth youth tooth booth.
My grandfather said this one while we were eating...
G-Pa: Asian accent Do you like seafood?
Me: Uhh...I guess?
G-Pa: Opens mouth. See food!
We had a little family get together for my sister's birthday last week. My dad bought a platter of cheese and a bottle of merlot. He said "Cheese, they say, gets better as it ages. I don't want to hear you wine about getting older".
Groan
When I was at my fifth grade invention convention, my fried José brought his younger brother, who immediately started climbing under the folding tables. I told my dad, "Theres this kid under the tables!" He then replies "What's he look like?" I said, "Well he's José's brother so he's hispanic" My dad thinks for a moment, and then, with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face says "Hispanic kids crawling the tables? I think we're a little north of the border for that"
http://imgur.com/J4sxmWe
“See that cemetery kids? That must be a really nice one.”
“Why do you say that Dad?”
“People are just dying to get in there”
And now I'm going to face time
To make it more classy.
- Me: Decides to be adventurous at dinner, orders pasta with squid ink
- My dad: “My dinner is delicious, you should try some”
- Me: “Only if you try a bite of this pasta, it’s really good too”
- My dad, who rarely tells jokes, starts smiling: “So you’re suggesting a... squid pro quo?”
They both hate stakes
“Usually an overdose, son,” I told him
Attire.
I looked pretty damn good.
I was suspicious, so I asked: "What's the catch?"
To which he replied: "Second-hand bow. No strings attached."
My dad pulled one on my brother when he was going to an interview for an internship with UPS (delivery service).
"What does the UPS guy say when he drops a package?"
"What?"
"Oops"
Laughed too hard at first because I thought it was some sort of anti-joke. But nope, just a lame pun. Stay classy, pops.
Classy people go to Breastaurants.
Turned to my son and said, "This song is totally Epic."
Wife: Thank you, not everybody would warn people... classy move!
Me: I think you mean gassy move
...anybody knows a good divorce lawyer?
My carpool buddy was hitting me with these on the way to work today.
"What car do classy cows drive? "
- Cowdillacs
"What cars do redneck cows drive?"
- Cowmaros and Moostangs. I added that they are also a fan of COWl induction.
"Who's the longest standing baseball player?"
- Cowl Ripken
"Have you heard of the famous bovine biologist, Jaques Cowsteau?"
Me: "Oh hey, looking pretty classy there. Did you get your haircut?"
Dad: "No, I got'em all cut.."
I work as a bartender at a classy cheese and wine bar in the DC area. Last night after some harmless flirting with some middle aged ladies, one exclaimed, "Sauvignon Blanc! That's my white jam!"
I replied, "Ma'am that's actually a wine, not a jam."
"I was going to tell you a fart joke, but im too classy for that so i'll just let it pass"
Me: "Why the student's outfit looks so cool?"
Friend: "Yeah, it's classy."
Every time my Dad is asked how he likes his steak he replies "Just pull it's horns off and wipe it's arse!"
Classy.
"Let's make like fags and blow this joint"
Totally regardless of how classy the "joint" is. Thanks Dad.
