What do you call a 3 footed aardvark?
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︎ Sep 06 2021
The Ancient Romans II
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︎ Dec 29 2021
Possibly the greatest Snap Reaction dad joke I've ever told (it even got me a POWERFUL groan and vehement FU from my wife)
Me grabbing a soda from my (what I thought was) half full 12pk...
Notices there's only 2;
Me: "Awe man... This is a damn bird box!"
Her: "What the hell does that mean?!"
Me: (Pulls both cans out & shows them to her) "It's only got Toucans."
I'm not ashamed to admit the look on her face was glorious.
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︎ Jan 10 2022
The two genders
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︎ Dec 27 2021
What's the opposite of a croissant?
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︎ Jan 09 2022
As i child i was forced to walk the plank
We couldn't afford a dog...
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︎ Jan 10 2022
My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
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︎ Jan 10 2022
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, βHa! Thatβs not going to help!β I replied, βSure, it does.β
βItβs the only way I can see the numbers.β
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︎ Dec 22 2021
Hereβs a positive post for the new year
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︎ Jan 01 2022
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
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︎ Jan 12 2022
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me...
βHow do you know it was on itβs way to work?β
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︎ Dec 25 2021
Word on the street is, Cookie Monster has tested positive for COVID
It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.
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︎ Dec 23 2021
The Stabacus
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︎ Dec 21 2021
My son was born yesterday and is in the NICU. [META]
What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.
Edit: there are two winners.
The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt
The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1
Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.
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︎ Dec 09 2021
Has covid forced you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time?
If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
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︎ Jan 11 2022
While watching βHome Aloneβ we were at the tar-on-the-basement-steps scene, and my daughter asks βwhere would you even get tar?β And my wife saidβ¦
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︎ Dec 26 2021
TIL that the Ancient Romans had four types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact.
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.
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︎ Dec 16 2021
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
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︎ Jan 03 2022
A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.
They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. >
The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.
They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."
The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"
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︎ Nov 19 2021
What is the capital of Poland?
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︎ Dec 04 2021
I wore a kilt to my first therapy appointment today. Within seconds of sitting down to talk, the therapist told me I was mentally ill
His exact words were "I can clearly see your nuts"
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︎ Jan 08 2022
The bitcoin I can afford
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︎ Dec 25 2021
Lord of the Rings (Background sets not included)
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︎ Jan 01 2022
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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︎ Dec 04 2021
What does the βA&Wβ in A&W Restaurant stand for?
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︎ Jan 07 2022
I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but
The rest are definitely goimg to call ne a nomster.
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︎ Dec 08 2021
Did ya hear about the cheese that's been working out?
Dude's shredded
Edit: Thanks guys for the awards and upvotes!
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︎ Jan 06 2022
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterdayβ¦ he said maybe theyβll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
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︎ Jan 01 2022
What's the least spoken language in the world?
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︎ Dec 20 2021
What does an aardvark order on their pizza?
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︎ Feb 13 2020
I'm really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tuesday is open Mike night!
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︎ Jan 08 2022
What's the worlds largest ant?
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︎ Dec 27 2021
My wife interrupted me while I was singing "Somebody that I used to know". She said I'm too addicted to the song.
And I agree, but she didn't have to cut me off.
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︎ Dec 28 2021
Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies π
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︎ Jan 11 2022
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said: "Turn left here."
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︎ Jan 05 2022
Why has the shovel been so popular over the years?
It was a groundbreaking invention.
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︎ Dec 22 2021
How did the Pharaohs convince people to build their monuments?
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︎ Jan 09 2022
I'm looking forward to the Fibonacci convention later this year, it's supposed to be really special..
..and as big as the last two put together.
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︎ Jan 08 2022
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
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︎ Jan 04 2022
My 8 year old daughter made this up today. βWhy did the car have a belly ache?β
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︎ Jan 12 2022
''Tis the Season
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︎ Dec 23 2021
I saw two snow plows parked next to each other down the street while their drivers had a quick chat.
I told my wife they were having a plow-wow.
Barely a chuckle. sigh
My sons are three and one so they had no idea what I was talking about.
Had to share with some other fellow dad joke enthusiasts.
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︎ Dec 30 2021
What's the last thing you hear when a Redneck dies?
"Hey everybuddy, Watch This!"
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︎ Jan 09 2022
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella actually wanted to call it brella...
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︎ Jan 09 2022
T'is the season to be generous
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︎ Dec 14 2021
You think the Omicron variant is bad?
Because the next one will be 3.14 times worse.
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︎ Nov 28 2021
Holy Cow! Did you hear about the fight between 2019 and 2020?
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︎ Dec 07 2021
My wife is leaving me due to my addiction to horse racing and she's taking the kids.
They're all packed and ready to go, they're at the gate now, and they're off.
EDIT: Thankyou everyone for getting me through this Friday these puns have been ridiculously on form except the one guy that tried to offer counselling advice on a joke thread π
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︎ Dec 03 2021
Puns the words out of me
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︎ Dec 02 2021
What is the opposite of telekinesis?
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︎ Jan 03 2022
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