Doctor: Calm down, David. This is a very simple procedure.

Me: I’m not David.

Doctor: I know. I’m David.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the electrician say to calm down?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TechnoGamer16
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do weighted blankets calm you down?

Because compression is the opposite of tension!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andnat12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Mom here but hope you like it. Why do skeletons stay calm?

Nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skydiamond01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know why Jimmy Neutron is always calm?

He has no charge.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomegaming1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is water sometimes calm and peaceful, and others it's a terrifying tidal wave?

It can't help itself- its dipolar.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perigeesus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The Egyptian government has asked Cairo’s taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.

Operation Toot And Calm β€˜Em will last a week.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you calm down a grammar Nazi?

Give them a gentle pat on the back and say, "Their, There, They're."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you use a remote control to calm down a robot dog?

Press the paws button.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s angry, calm and white?

My bi-polar bear.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a calm person who moves around a lot?

A no-mad

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RD1K
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t usually go grocery shopping, so when my mom asked to buy lettuce, I had to tell myself to romaine calm
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmehthekid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you stay calm when meeting a hungry cannibal?

Because it's no good getting in a stew.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YaBoi245
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Keep Calm
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Antonio_877
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?

All the indoor fins.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Lettuce Romaine Calm
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SurvivalPanda123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Everybody stay calm
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlinMaior
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.

Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acromantulus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why Finnish reindeer herders are always calm?

They're nomads.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sigurbodi91
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
See how calm it is? It doesn't care about what otters think...
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redbarryallen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
So my fiance recently divorced from her stay at home ex whose name is Ali. He was making a fuss about not getting his cash settlements from the divorce. I had to calm her down and tell her to

Pay Alimony.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roha5090
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do conservatives say to calm each other down?

"Don't worry, man. Everything will be all-right"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McKeonSharp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to calm my tits today

Me: "I gave them their pecing orders"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Shiva92
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
After the earthquake tonight in California I had to calm my girlfriend down so I threw this one at her...

"What group of Early Americans loved seismic events?"

"The Quakers"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevingcp
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Car_radio21
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
You wanna know why skeletons are so calm? imgur.com/gallery/OVJf1
πŸ‘︎ 710
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Romaine Calm

Romaine calm. The government did not Caesar vegetables. They will lettuce know what's going on soon. That's salad o' panic over what may be just a coincidence. If it's a false alarm somebody's going to get a dressing down. E. Coli like I see it.*

*So many puns in such bad taste. Too Soonβ„’?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
🚨︎ report
This pun is bull, and makes me raging calm.
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend with anger issues decided to take up golf to calm his nerves...

He became teed off when he teed off into the trees...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The reason that the skeleton is always so calm is because nothing can get under his skin. welovepuns.com/best-skele…
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2017
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm

Because nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kmas_2006
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobertHamburgers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rengokufan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are the skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aayanali04
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons always so calm?

Nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/barwhalis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report

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