I recently received a book with β€œdo not read until the year 2030” written on the cover

But that’s a story for another time

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the words on the front cover of a book lord it over the words on the back cover so much?

They have a strong sense of entitlement.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timoteostewart
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A policeman accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict for a costume party. That cop learned never to book a judge by his cover.
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redwitch-fr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Some joker lost his book logging all of his chocolate-covered English toffee bar purchases.

It was a Heath ledger.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scotch-o
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2017
🚨︎ report
I saw a magistrate reading a novel, so I grabbed it and put it over his face.

He got very angry!!! You shouldn't cover a judge by his book.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Need a short Pun involving Dinosaurs and Space?

I just need a very short pun involving space and dinosaurs to go on the cover of an adventure book im writing for kids.

"A roarsome adventure" is too cliche and I'd like space to be featured somewhere. But there isn't a lot of room.

Thanks for any help, don't worry about them being dumb as a dumb pun could inspire a decent one :)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mikomiji
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 217
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"

Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.

Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"

And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ancil5199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a magistrate walking on the street and he had covered himself with a blanket which had pornographic images.

However, the cop who saw him, didn't take any action.

I asked why, and the cop responded,

"Never book a judge by its cover."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I have this book on beds

I read it from cover to cover

Followed by: I have another book on sewing

It kept me on pins and needles

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zman613
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
🚨︎ report
So I bought a new book.....

So I treated myself to some new books yesterday from a small local place near me, I decided to stop off at the parents on the way home and the mother had her face in the book bag before I new what was going on.

I'm showing her what I've bought and when opening one of them, I find a small maggot like creature splattered inside one of the covers! The remains of its body on one side, a goopy mess on the other. At this point the father walks past, peers over my shoulder & says 'you know what that is don't you?'. No I replied, thinking I'm going to get some to quality useless dad knowledge laid upon me........'A bookworm' he states! And fully committed to his delivery, walks clear through the kitchen and out to his shed without even a glance back.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Captain_Cas23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Daughter Dad-Joked my Wife

Last night, my oldest daughter (OD), wife (W), and youngest daughter (YD) were discussing some reading homework.

YD: They were similar because they both had injuries that turned them into outcasts. W: That's horrible! Who writes these sad books? OD (looks at cover of book): Justen Denzel wrote this one. Me: Your training is now complete my child.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beersn0b
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Tragic victim of dad joke

I went to the library with the kids (7 y/o girl, 3 y/o boy) I nanny and got all these children's books for the little boy. We got home and I opened them to read to him and there were no words. Just pictures. Me: Are you kidding me? Little girl: What is it? Me: This book has no words! Girl: You shouldn't of judged the book by its cover. Needless to say she owned me

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Supernanny9108
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.