Body text Puns

Reese Pond.

I texted my girlfriend that I was done with her Valentine's Day Present early. She responds, "Damn, You're ahead!" Without hesitation, I answer "I have a body too!"

I hate myself. I am my father.

I was texting my mom during dinner.

Me: "I had a plate of carrots, string beans, and cucumber and broccoli as part of dinner."

"I also got a plate of french fries so I don't eat too healthy."

Mom: "lol. It may send your body into shock."

Me: "are you saying it will put me into a vegetative state?"

Why did the skeleton kill himself?

Because he was alone and had no-body.

Bonus joke:

Two friends are talking to each other.

"What are we doing with our lives?"

"I don't know pal, I always wanted to be a doctor."

"Oh yeah? Why don't you go try it?"

"Because...I have no payshants."

(yeah...I deliberately misspelled that word because these oral play on word type jokes are hard to put down in text)

EDIT: Jesus, he's on a roll today....

Why did the Iguana sleep alone?

Because he had ereptile-dysfunction.