Why did the two boa constrictors get married?

They had a crush on each other

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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Boa constructor.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/birb_lady123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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What’s the difference between a Boa and a Python?

A Python doesn’t have feathers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/loonmaster2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Taylor Swift got attacked by a boa constrictor...

Fortunately, she was able to shake it off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StephenHunterUK
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2017
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My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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I designed a crash proof jet plane, its made completely out of rubber.

I call it the Boing 747

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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What kind of snake wears a hard hat?

A boa constuctor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tennessean4Life
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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What do you call a double decker airplane that bounces on the runway while it lands?

a BOING 747

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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What do you call a snake building its own home?

A boa constructor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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What do you call a snake in charge of the philharmonic orchestra?

A boa conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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Who was the most ruthless man in the Bible?

Boas before he got married.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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I'm writing a screenplay where a giant snake swallows Dwayne Johnson.

The title: Rocky-Bowel Boa

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πŸ‘€︎ u/perverseverence
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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Whats it called when a boeing 747 bounces on the landing strip?

A boing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_floof
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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Who is Bo Fusions?

Auto correct created β€œBo Fusions” out of β€œno distractions”. Bo Fusions is there for you when you need a reason to grab a drink. He plays golf, I heard. Moved out of town a few years back but has a helicopter.
Who’s your Bo Fusions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-reddit2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Had to double take when I saw a snake wearing a hard hat

Turns out it was his work attire...

He's a boa constructor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/parkerthedeal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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What do you call a snake that builds for a living?

a boa constructor

https://imgur.com/gallery/xq6M2

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HotCurryLips
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2018
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Blood types

Me: "Dad, I donated blood yesterday, do you know what my blood type is?"

Dad: "well... I'm B, and your mom is O, so you must be BO"

Mom: " ... he has been waiting 22 years for you to ask that"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noremac113
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2015
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Deja Moo

Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.

Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)


Now these are puns all about COWS

Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.

And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle

And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.


In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.

In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.

Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.

TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.


When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me

Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.

I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared

She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.


I whistled for a calf and when it came near

Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!

If anything I can say this STEAK is rare

But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!


I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8

More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.

So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,

Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.


Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrazyCasey412
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
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What does spring sound like?

BOING!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainkrinking
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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I felt like giving my dad a kind reminder about mother's day...

https://imgur.com/a/BoHVUWe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R4p354uc3
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
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100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • That’s all => Cat’s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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Fast Foods and Black Dudes

Jum-Bo Jackson

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shoddyradio
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2012
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The first comment, classic dad

I was watching this video about how to unlock safe and the first comment made me laugh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApJQ2wcYjBo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeanleonino
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2017
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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When we went out to eat at an Indian restaurant, one of my friends forgot to order flatbread with his meal.

It was a real Naan-bo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/westcoasthorus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
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What do you call a short video of a homeless cow prostitute?

Hoe-bo/vine.

... i'm an idiot. And yes. I actually did think this up at 2AM. Edit: In my idiot nature, forgot to create full title, so I reposted. I'm still new D:

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2015
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When shouldn't you disturb a snake inside your shoe?

When it's a cobrller doing hiss business.

It belongs to a mamba dancer who had been practicing since he was a boa.

Fangs for putting up with this. Sorry for being an asp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aitchnyu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2017
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My friend has an interesting last name: Thibaud

This was an exchange between him and a lady:

Him: "T.H.I.B.A.U.D. Pronounced T-Bo"

Lady: "ohhh the the D is silent."

Him: "yeah it's unheard of..."

Me: "ugggghhhhhh"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thats_absrd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2014
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Not my dad, but still a dad joke

So the other day my best friends dad texted me. J didn't have his number in my co texts so I responded and said "Is this Bob?" He replied with "Yes, this is boB. See what I did there I spelled my name backwards"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Muirlimgan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2013
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The Onion with an article full of dad-dog humor

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bo-obama-receives-visiting-dognitaries-from-furugu,31075/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/h2ohman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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Group text dadjokes

My sister is on a road trip from Utah to Texas. She has been periodically updating us with her location.

Sister 1: Raton, New Mexico
Dad: That's a big rat.
Sister 1: Dalhart, Texas
Dad: Woohoo... How's it going?
Sister 1: Great. Everything is flat and smells like cows, but I don't see any cows.
Dad: Those are the iBoTs (invisible Bovines of Texas), they wander around making methane and distributing it free of charge. And the landscape is that way because of the flat-ulence.
Sister 2: Oh my gosh dad stop
Me: He can't. There is an honor code among dads. We must joke whenever the opportunity presents itself. It's our respunsibility.
Dad: I'm so proud.
Me: Hi so proud, I'm dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/squallstormviii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2014
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I'm a Dad. My spousal unit tells me this belongs here.

At a reptile exhibit: "My milksnake brings all the boas to the yard."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jason_pancake
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2014
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What do you call a snake building its own home?

A boa constructor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rqstaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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