Some bastard has taken my festive German fruit bread

I think it was stollen

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👤︎ u/sgtjenno
📅︎ Dec 17 2020
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oh poor bastards
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📅︎ Sep 03 2020
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"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.

A Christmas stalking.

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👤︎ u/jeromocles
📅︎ Mar 05 2020
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The error message on fat bastards screen when his computer crashed

Chin-tax error

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👤︎ u/jskell89
📅︎ Dec 15 2019
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I reread the story of Cain and Abel... the bastard murdered his bro!

He really rocked his world!

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📅︎ Jan 16 2020
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To the bastard who stole my limbo dancing equipment...

How low can you go?

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📅︎ Jul 07 2019
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What's the difference between an orphan and a bastard?

Isn't it a parent?

-Andy James Scafidi

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📅︎ Mar 02 2017
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Hey dad, what's a bastard?

My younger brother is reading a book, and asks "Hey dad, what's a bastard?" To which my dad replies, "a bass turd is fish crap."

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📅︎ Mar 21 2015
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Well well well, you Koi bastard... imgur.com/gallery/ywnYv05
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📅︎ Sep 12 2014
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My dad was always a clever bastard.

Talking to my dad about how many dishes there are.

Me: "Dad, we need a dishwasher, there are way too many dishes to clean all the time."

Dad: points to my mom "We have one, Son, it just doesn't work a lot of the time."

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👤︎ u/Casual_Tea
📅︎ May 29 2014
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I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

👍︎ 12k
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📅︎ Dec 18 2020
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My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.

Confused and upset, I asked why.

The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.

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👤︎ u/Tinnber
📅︎ Jan 07 2021
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I went to see a psychiatrist to get over my crippling fear of palindromes.

The bastard put me on Xanax!

👍︎ 36
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👤︎ u/klwill1192
📅︎ Nov 29 2020
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A man walk into a bar.....*

Lucky bastard.

*This joke brought to you by the year 2020.

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📅︎ Nov 30 2020
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Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?

Butane, because it's lighter fluid...

👍︎ 5k
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👤︎ u/kdryan1
📅︎ Nov 25 2019
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What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry ?

58

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👤︎ u/masprocas
📅︎ May 25 2020
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A bunch of robbers came in and stole all of my soap.

Dirty bastards.

Then the cops came over and did a full report.

They said they got away clean.

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👤︎ u/DinkyOreo
📅︎ Jul 26 2020
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Oh, the humanitea!
👍︎ 5k
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👤︎ u/deadcow5
📅︎ Mar 15 2019
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After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."

Judge: "ok.... then? "

Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."

Judge: "what?"

Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"

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📅︎ Jul 20 2020
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I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane

We're currently filming the pilot.

👍︎ 808
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📅︎ Oct 25 2019
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I shot a man in German,

just to watch him the.

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📅︎ Apr 27 2020
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What's green and has wheels?

Grass...I lied about the wheels

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👤︎ u/jiggz5344
📅︎ Mar 16 2020
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As a Mathmatician...

I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

👍︎ 138
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📅︎ Jan 08 2020
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I write my name in cursive all the time -

It's my signature move.

👍︎ 304
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👤︎ u/Degtyrev
📅︎ Nov 27 2019
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Caught a couple dudes beating up a little kid , so I stepped in to help .

Little bastard didn’t stand a chance against the three of us !

👍︎ 27
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👤︎ u/liddles06
📅︎ Jul 21 2020
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We definitely should've done more to prepare for the pandemic.

I guess that's hindsight in 2020

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👤︎ u/StoopSign
📅︎ Apr 05 2020
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I call it the Painbow v.redd.it/vqj4eqei9a121
👍︎ 2k
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👤︎ u/norspur
📅︎ Nov 30 2018
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➡

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📅︎ May 24 2020
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What did the other goats say about the baby goat of unwed parents?

"That kid's a baaaaaastard!"

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📅︎ Feb 20 2020
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What was left after the French cheese factory exploded?

Da Brie

👍︎ 975
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👤︎ u/jamesdo72
📅︎ Mar 10 2019
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U2 is having a concert in northern Ireland.

Halfway through the show, the music stops and Bono stands middle stage clapping his hands every few seconds. "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies" Without missing a beat, from somewhere in the front of the crowd a man bellows out in a thick Irish accent: "Well stop fucking doing it ya evil bastard!"

👍︎ 13
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📅︎ Jun 15 2020
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Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

Dirty Bastards.

👍︎ 73
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👤︎ u/YDAQ
📅︎ Nov 22 2019
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Two cow's in a field, one cow goes 'Mooooooooooo'

The second cow looks at the first and says "you bastard, I was just gonna say that'.

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📅︎ Jan 29 2020
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Did you know that most pirate shanties...

Were sung on the high C?

👍︎ 24
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📅︎ Jul 31 2019
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Humans get chicken pox while chickens dont get human pox.

Colonel Sanders just found a way to get back at those little bastards.

👍︎ 10
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📅︎ Feb 29 2020
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American people are greedy at the grocery store...

well, I finally lost it... I was just in a store and saw a man whose cart was FULL to the brim with hand sanitizers, toilet paper, soaps... You know everything that people desperately need right now!!! I called him a greedy bastard, and told him he should be freaking ashamed of himself! He said " are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shells now"

👍︎ 3
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📅︎ Mar 21 2020
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Why hasn't Abraham Lincoln ever been charged with a crime?

He's in a cent.

👍︎ 3k
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📅︎ Jan 27 2017
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Saw this in Tesco. Couldn't help but wonder what's replacing it?
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👤︎ u/shibby_rj
📅︎ Aug 31 2017
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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

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👤︎ u/bot_10
📅︎ Oct 18 2019
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My favorite time of day is 6:30; hands down
👍︎ 50
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👤︎ u/aljfischer
📅︎ Feb 07 2019
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What room do ghosts avoid?

The living room

👍︎ 48
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👤︎ u/PeeKerXXL
📅︎ Jan 08 2019
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One fifth of people are just too tense
👍︎ 281
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👤︎ u/Gsarge28
📅︎ Jan 11 2016
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A man walks into a bar.

Lucky bastard.

👍︎ 220
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📅︎ Apr 17 2020
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Apparently someone gets stabbed every 48 seconds in South London.

Poor bastard.

👍︎ 10
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📅︎ Sep 10 2020
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A man walks into a bar

Lucky bastard.

👍︎ 21
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👤︎ u/Nikoklis
📅︎ Apr 19 2020
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Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.

Poor bastard.

👍︎ 59
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📅︎ Mar 07 2020
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A man walks into a bar.

Lucky bastard.

👍︎ 9
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📅︎ Apr 18 2020
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A guy walks into a bar ...

Lucky bastard!

👍︎ 4
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📅︎ Apr 24 2020
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