All my closest friends and my wife call me dickhead...

It's because of an unfortunate username.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichNoggins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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There is a vas deferens between a dickhead and an asshole.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/badf1nger
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2016
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"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.

She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Why did my dad not mind when I threw a coke at his head?

Because its a soft drink

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LDM312
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2015
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Birth defects with a side of uncle humour.

So, I'm not 100% this belongs here. Feel free to rip me a new one in the comments.

I work overnights at a hotel. Last night I had a drunk guy walk up to the desk. He looks at me and goes "No eyelids man. My nephew was born today and he doesn't have any eyelids."

I'm pretty used to drunk people coming up to the desk and talking at me, but this caught my attention. I tell the guy its not the worst thing in the world and I'm sure they will be able to fix it, its better than being born blind, etc.

The guy looks up at me and says, "Yeah, they're gonna use his foreskin to fix it....My nephew is gonna be cockeyed!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sternlip
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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Lying to someone about the size of your penis is telling a phallacy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/syosm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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I’m the principal of a school called St.Richard

So I guess you could say I’m the dickhead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iAm_Unsure
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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My wife refused to join my nudist colony

I would call her clothes-minded but that would make me a dickhead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lyeim
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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What does a rabbi say after the circumcision?

Begone, dickhead!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AutisticSombrero
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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Making lunch with my wife when...

Her: Grapes?

Me: Yes they are.

Her: dagger eyes I mean do you want some dickhead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bokanovsky_Jones
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2015
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Dad at hospital

So I had to the hospital because I got testivular torsion. To figure out why, I had to pass an echography. As the nurse rub the echograph on my balls (which was nice btw, try it) and dad says: "Congrats son, it's a boy!!! He looks like a dickhead, just like you!!!" My morphined self found it really funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xXFall3nLegacy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2013
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My dad, the waiter...

My dad waited tables to pay his way through college, and he tells a story about one customer who'd made a scene upon entering the restaurant and seemed to be a dickhead generally.

(Guy sits down)

Dad: Welcome to (insert restaurant name), can I get you anything to start out? An appetizer?

Guy: Well, how's your cook?

Dad: Oh, he's great.

Guy: No. I mean how long's he been cooking?

Dad: About two... two and a half years. But he should be just about done by now.

The guy was pissed...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ambrady20
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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Im a principal of a school called St. Richards

So I guess you could say Im the dickhead

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Penguin-of_Doom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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I'm the principal of a school called st richards

I guess you could said I'm the dickhead

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RetroGamer10
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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