A Swallow.
They’re pregnant now :/
In his flat bed he has a bunch of little ducklings. He drives past a police car which immediately fires up his blues and twos, and pulls the pickup truck over.
Policeman says: Sorry mate, you can't be driving around with ducks in your flatbed. You have to take them to the zoo or something.
So, the next day, the same man is driving the same pickup truck on the same road with the same ducklings in the back, except this time they're all wearing sunglasses! The same police officer pulls him over again.
Policeman says: look mate, I told you yesterday to take those bloody baby ducks to the zoo!
Man says: I did, they absolutely loved it! We're going to the seaside next!
Baby blue
(Anna, age 10, after I told her "What's blue and not very heavy?" "Light blue")
The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.
But I am So. Stuck.
A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...
I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.
Thank you in advance! 🍔
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡1 baby looks over at the other and says, "I'm a little boy, how about you?" The other baby says, "A boy? How do you know?" The first baby whips back his blankey, points down, and says, "See! Blue booties!"
Chris Pine - Pine scented
Cocoa Chanel - Hot cocoa scented
Beth Crow-ley - Rain, nighttime, and city streets scented
Tom Holly-and - Holly berry scented
JK Row-ling - Lakes and campfire scented
Miley Cypress - Cypress scented
Bob Moss - Forest and moss scented
Juniper Aniston - Juniper scented
Katy Berry - Mixed berry scented
Britney Spearmint - Spearmint scented
Bread Pitt - Bread scented
Tom Cruise - Ocean, salty, alcohol scented
Aurora - Nighttime, wind, whimsical scented
Nicole Kidman - baby powder scented
Justin Beaver - Wood, nature scented
Elvis Parsley - Parsley scented
Steve Cobs - Corn on the cob scented
Banana Montana - Banana scented
Orange Winfrey - Orange scented
Chris Bat - Nighttime, caves, and bats scented
Zoey Salad-ana - Salad, lettuce, leafy greens, tomato, cheese scented
Dwayne the Rock - Mountains, earthy, fresh, crisp, wind scented Jennifer Joe-pez - Nice hot cup o’ joe scented
Chicken Corbin Blue - Chicken and cheese and ham scented
Robert Brownie Jr. - Brownie scented
Sardine-a Gomez - Sardine scented
Daniel Rad-Clif - Clif bar blueberry flavor scented
Leonardo Di-Carp-rio - Fish scented
Halle Berry - Mixed scented
Demi Tomato - Tomato scented
Kevin Bacon - Bacon scented
Mandy S’more - S’mores scented
Mackerel-more - Fish scented
Broccoli Obama - Broccoli scented
WILL.I.SPAM. - Spam scented
Mark Buffalo Wings - Buffalo wing scented
John Lemon - Lemon scented
Shakiramisu - Tiramisu scented
Egg Sheeran - Eggs scented
Benedict Cucumber Patch - Cucumber scented
Adille - Dill scented
Kevin Spicy - Taco scented
Channing Potatum - Potato scented
Melon DeGeneres - Melon scented
Danny Burrito - Burrito scented
Michaelanjello - Red jello scented
Harry Panini - Panini scented
Snoop Hot Dog - Hot dog scented
Paris Hilton - Paris, city of love, generic love perfume scented
Morgan Whipped Cream-in - Whipped cream scented
Mike Fryson - French fry scented
Henry David Thoreaut Lozenge - Cough drop scented
Raisin Williams - Raisin scented
Robert Frosty - Vanilla ice cream scented
Jeff Onion-blum - Onion ring scented
Tom Skittle-ston - Skittles scented
Ralph Waldo M&Mson - Chocolate scented
Malt Whitman - Malt scented
(Friend and I came up with these on the ride down to Boston for a concert, after the “I wonder what Chris Pine smells like?” joke was brought up again from a previous time hanging out. I’m particularly proud of Bob Moss and Zoey Salad-ana.)
MAN LAWS
The International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding
... keep reading on reddit ➡I was loading up some gravel into wheel barrows to be dumped in the back yard. My neighbor rolls up in his baby blue Nissan Leaf and gets out. He takes one look at me and says "Your rockin' out."
I had a c-section, so I was strapped down on the table. My husband, who is 6'4" is towering over the blue curtain as they began to pull our daughter out. I'm lying there crying and shaking. To comfort me, husband says: "Baby! Now I can honestly say know you inside and out!" Made me laugh :-)
A Swallow.
Light blue.
In the bed of the truck was a bunch of baby ducks. He passed a police officer, the officer fired up their blues and twos and pulled the man over.
The officer said, "Sir, you can't just be driving around with all these ducklings in your car. You must take them to the zoo immediately."
The following day the same man was driving the same truck with the same baby ducks in the bed, except this time, they were wearing sunglasses.
The same police officer saw, they pulled the man over again and said, "Look mate, I told you yesterday to take those ducks to the zoo."
The man said, "I did take them to the zoo. They loved it! We're going to the beach today!"
