Dad and I were building a storage shed. His pocket starts to beep until I got annoyed. I said β€œDad, what is that beeping? Turn it off!”

He pulls out a handheld plastic device and says β€œSorry kiddo, I left my Stud Finder on.”

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrOddYazz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I pointed a tape gun at coworker as he passed by and shouted "Beep beep, you're speeding, sir. Gotta get you a ticket"

Coworker: "Nah, how you gonna prove it?"

Me: "Easy, I have it here on tape!"

πŸ‘︎ 350
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/majorpun
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
🚨︎ report
"Dad, how does a stud finder even work? Does it just beep at the wall or what?"

"Oh, Alcoholicia, I have a hell of a time with them - they just keep going off every time I pick one up." - Dad.

"Oh well maybe I shouldn't buy one if I can't fig... Wait. Oh my God, Dad, you're so embarrassing." - Me

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alcoholicia
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
🚨︎ report
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How do short people greet their friends?

They microwave

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xenonthewizlard
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

πŸ‘︎ 799
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I prefer eating my vegetables in silence.

I just want some peas and quiet.

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
The metal detector beeped when the guard was checking me. He asked me if I had any metallic stuff with me, I said:

No...it just beeped because my Shirt is Ironed.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hanrattyyy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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Toot toot BAAHH πŸ‘πŸ˜‚
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DesDesign11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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I got my car horn fixed at a Lion King themed shop called Scar's Auto Body.

Beep repaired.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
This is my 4 year old daughters joke: Knock Knock?

Who’s there? Cargo. Cargo who? No! Owl goes who. Car goes Beep! Beep!

πŸ‘︎ 437
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabbithunt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My fridge would not stop beeping

I told it that it needed to seriously chill.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATPATPATP
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I just thought of a pickup line.

It goes, "BEEP BEEP VROOM VROOM HONK HONK BEEP HONK!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I don’t mean to toot my own horn

But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.

πŸ‘︎ 750
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ll tell you a corona virus joke now...

But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

πŸ‘︎ 882
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Very puny
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TriForceofGeek
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the squirrel cross the telephone line?

Because it was busy.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brodacious-G
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Sheep and music
πŸ‘︎ 284
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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Dad: What’s the first letter in β€œyellow”?

Kid: Y.

Dad: Because I want to know.

πŸ‘︎ 230
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BethJ2018
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm feline punny today
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Flimsy_Classic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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Car fly?
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sweet___christmas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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Pin β€˜em down!
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsureyoudo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?

Beep Repaired!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmbossman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was so disappointed, I moped for a while.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
nothing tops a plain hotdog
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__ch4nc3__
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
On my Subway Receipt
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/llort-egdirb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
So I keep asking people β€œWhat do you get when you reverse the word β€œon?””

Everyone keeps telling me no.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.

He fixed it and said, β€œBeep repaired”

πŸ‘︎ 273
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an alarm clock that always goes off at 3am in the morning?

A [beep]ing nightmare.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atlantic14
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve created a monster. My 6 year old just asked us: Why did the robot cross the road?

Because he was programmed too 🀦🏻

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Just witnessed this classic on the bus

Passenger: Which bus are you?

Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YourYam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2017
🚨︎ report
How do you know if an IT Storage Engineer is doing their job?

Because the are making a beeping noise - beep! beep! beep! because they are are backing up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maximusheadroom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
"Rapping"

So my dad just now made the dad joke of Christmas.

Mom: Hurry up and start rapping!

Dad: ( beep box/fake Rapping) okay there I'm starting!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chucklesworth2127
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Pakisthanos
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AKATheTap
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Not a pun but definitely a motto to live by
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xomati
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My buddy said "I fucking hate Mayweather"

"Dude we're only two days into it, it really hasn't been all that bad. Give it a week or two"

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1776m8
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Statistics say that R2-D2 is the most vulgar movie character ever.

They beeped out everything he said!

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScheidNation21
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
So I held a stud detector up to myself.

It beeped.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Got the girlfriend after packing away the groceries.

GF: Don't you want to go check why the pantry door isn't closing.

Me: Wander over to the pantry, look inside, and spot the culprit immediately.

GF: So what was the problem?

Me: Slowly take the tin of jam out, and while grinning like an idiot, I look at her and say: Looks like the door had been jammed.

GF: Sighs and rolls her eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Legithmus
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2015
🚨︎ report
I lost it the other day.

Until I finally found the dvd under my couch

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I was asked in a job interview what I made at my last job.

I said, "Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments."

I didn't get the job Β―\_(ツ)_/Β―

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iTri810
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
🚨︎ report
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.

That was quite a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 314
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a ride awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.

That was a rude awakening.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Knock, knock...

Who's there?

Cargo.

Cargo who?

Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Po1sonator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cargo.

Cargo who?

No, owl go hoo. Car go beep beep.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/visb13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report

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