Finally caught this mouse in my house *bleep, blop* (xpost from r/totallynotrobots)
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lookingforsome1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Bleeping a curse word is usually funnier than the word itself.

Itself just isn't a very funny word.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hsimp4
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
ok..
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sadqwer123
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I just saw my wife trip over and drop the basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Manakin Skywalker
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnPhil
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
What starts with an E and ends with an E, but often only has one letter?
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sacca7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Why don't cows wear flip flops?

They lactose.

Edit test.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derawin07
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œWhat day is today, Adam?”

β€œFor the last time, it’s Christmas, Eve.”

Edit: Thanks for so much love. Merry Xmas!

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
🚨︎ report
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't 8 get back up?

When it fell, it was forever

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattreyu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time...

That was a pain in the ass.

πŸ‘︎ 552
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agronero1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Request for cards with dad jokes

My dad is in a care center with Parkinson’s with dementia. He will be 75 on 3/28. He can’t have his party with the virus around and always needs something to occupy him so I thought birthday cards of dad jokes would keep him busy and make him happy. He was always a master of them. Thank you πŸ™

Ray Heng Terrace Glen room 184 3400 Alburnett Rd Marion IA 52302

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/droppergrl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a WW1 plane say when it stubs it’s toe?

Mother Fokker

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCCreeper844
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Chicken pox parties are for kids. Adults go to a shingles bar.
πŸ‘︎ 296
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godredd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
You can't run through a campsite

You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.

πŸ‘︎ 297
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buy_an_sel-l
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
When doing my son salutation, I call this variation on child's pose, "Downward Dad" imgur.com/hOpdbkb
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoBeefy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TJVpower
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
If a battery is dead does that mean it is current ly not working.

I kind of thought it was a positive joke.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dendeqtele
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked β€œwhat’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, β€œyou can talk?”

β€œYes” the well said, β€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

β€œAlas” the woman said, β€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

β€œDo not be afraid” the well said, β€œI will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManGood2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
True story: We we’re driving in the car today when my five year old found an umbrella and opened it...

My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasn’t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasn’t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.

The kids didn’t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so I’m pretty sure it counts.

πŸ‘︎ 388
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The1hangingchad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you package French bread?

You baguette.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pfheonix
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic Formula!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cale-k
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I was on the phone to an airline rep booking a flight.

She asked, "Window or Aisle?"

After a moment, I replied, "or you'll what?"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllAboutGuitar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a magician eat when they are a little hungry?

A slight of ham

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vagabondsadhu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sardbox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender said β€œHey”, then the horse β€œyou read my mind buddy.”

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marsharlot
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!

I mean how low can you go!?

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/retinascan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a penguin build it’s house?

Igloos it together.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What kinda flowers are on your face?

Tulips

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manyu_abee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is mad at the fact that I don't have a sense of direction...

So I packed my stuff and right.

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Show_My_Rice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?

He had a very esteemed colleague.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high

Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaltySmasher322
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Luckily he wasn't charged
πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pun420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sixfootninja
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross captain America and the hulk?

Star spangled Banner

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Real-Nincotic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Cheesy Facebook Puns
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryssie83
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Catfish
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SalazarRED
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was scarecrow promoted?

He was outstanding in the field.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/apoorvm91
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What Do You Call A Paper Company Full Of Hot Moms?

Dunder Milflin

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hana-Chi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
How long does it take for 2 people dating to get back together after a fight?

Couple days...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
If you are a bouncer at a Samsung’s, does that make you a guardian of the galaxy
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HodeYourBalls
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
England doesn't have a kidney bank but it has a Liverpool
πŸ‘︎ 738
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eternalrocket
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
🚨︎ report
I don't understand why so many people hate the Night King from Game of Thrones

He looks pretty chill to me

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rahull95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?

It does Sas-squats.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report

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