My daughter is going to an adventure in a cornfield. I said, "you're going to a maize maze." She said, "corny."
While on vacation, my mom was using one of the provided motel hair dryers. Commenting on the power of the appliance, she says "man, this thing really sucks." I respond by saying "Actually, it blows." Without skipping a beat, she responds by saying "You could say that it's blowing hot air."
You can’t see the doctor about it.
They lack the element of surprise!
But I refused because I was the bigger man
I came out under par, wondered aloud what my handicap is.
Pops: "Usually it's your sense of humor!"
So we were driving down the road, and he looks at me and says, "EnderWomanIsWatching, do you know why crows never get ran over?" And I, say "No Pops, why?"
"Because there's another bird on lookout for the ones in the road, and if he sees something he always starts saying, "Cahh, cahh, cah."
I laughed.
Walking past him when out of the blue...
Dad: Hey timodachampo. What's that in front of you?
I look down and couldn't see anything.
Dad: Oh, it's just your belly.
Announcer 1: did that puck just hit a penguin on the bench?
Announcer 2: no... I think it hit a player.
She said, "Meh."
So I immediately said, "You heard it here, folks, it's a meh zing."
it takes guts
But I’m sure it was a-maize-zing
I was with a friend in the mall, we wandered into one of those stores where they have cute Japan-ized versions of everything. We were looking at some overly cute plush round pillow-esque versions of Spongebob, Dora the Explorer, and Spiderman.
My friend picks up Dora the Explorer and says "Man, she's not supposed to be round, what is this?" I instantly came back with "Come on man, it's a-Dora-ball."
I was so proud I've been telling everyone and I figured you guys would appreciate it.
Staying at my parents' house, my dad greets my wife in the morning.
Dad: "Morning! How'd you sleep?" Wife: "With my eyes closed."
... Tenor fifteen miles away. Zing.
It's called measles.
I'm retired. Yep, I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today.
haha
It was a maize zing.
"Weird, I have 4G"
Because his car got toad.
attire
It was a maize zing
I work at an airport. I had been fueling for a bit when a local flight instructor came in asking for fuel right as I sat down for breakfast.
"Hey man. Can I get some fuel for my plane?"
"Dude, you saw me just sit down to eat my clementine," I said jokingly.
"What, do you have a special break for eating those things?"
To which I replied, "Yeah, I call it clementime."
Needless to say, my girlfriend is probably leaving me for that one.
I'm seeing a lot of lame cheap WWII jokes because of this soccer match. My heart goes out to the people of Brazil. The photos of crying Brazilians in the stands are moving. They clearly did Nazi it coming.
Asked him how much a joke cost. He said "Itsa free-zing!"
So I was playing Red Dead Redemption, and my dad walked in right as I accidentally corralled a cow off a cliff. He said.
"you know what they call a cow that falls off a cliff?"
"ground beef"
My dad woke my brother up this morning on his 18th birthday by saying, "Good morning, now you can get a job!" After retelling this story and making everybody at the dinner table laugh he said "Yup, I guess I'm just Mr. Dad jokes." To which my sister replied "Hi Mr. Dad jokes I'm your daughter."
Exactly one Instagram.
This is from a few years ago, but it's one of my favorite's from my dad:
"So, let me get this straight... he can train all these other dogs, but he can't keep his one bitch in line?"
I love this one. I went to buy a new picture frame, and when I brought it to the register to pay, the clerk said, "Are you going to put it up yourself?"
I replied, that would be uncomfortable, no it's going on the wall."
ZING!!!!
"Well, recently didn't you say you wanted to live a bolder life?" Zing!
Because he never lands!
Man this joke never gets old!
ZING
