Car: *chimes*

Daughter: β€œLow washer fluid”. Dad: β€œThat’s too bad. I hope the washer fluid feels better, later.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
I recently purchased a set of wind chimes.

So far it’s a pretty sound investment.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superpie5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Somewhere out there is a guy who makes wind chimes for a living!

It probably blows...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLonelyFalcon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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Whenever something really good happens, my Dad chimes in with...

That's like a sore dick; ya can't beat it!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spaceboogers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad overheard my mom and I discussing my internship or study abroad options for the summer and had to chime in

"Study abroad? I'd study a broad."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bacloldrum
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
🚨︎ report
The other day I was driving home...

And my cellphone chimed in "Turn left in 160 meters..." despite the fact that that I was on the quickest route home...

I couldn't help myself, I raged against the GPS machine and screamed "Fuck you I won't turn where you tell me!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearly_cunning
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.

My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."

Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckvet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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My girlfriend and I were hiking yesterday, I was leading the way on the trail a bit ahead of her and she chimed out, "Is that a safe way?"

I said, "Honey, are you feeling okay? I don't think there are any grocery stores out here in the wilderness."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winkyfacealbert
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My kid, my pride.

My 7 year-old, looking at our junk mail: "Papa, what's Capital One".

My 13 year-old chimed in before I could say anything:"explaination mark!"

Really proud of him!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anman4200
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14
🚨︎ report
My dad chiming in on our musical discussion

"We'll I played bass in high school...second base." Referring to his baseball career and obviously the spelling is for context.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acaseofhalitosis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2013
🚨︎ report
I grew tired of playing triangle in a band

it was just one ting after another.

πŸ‘︎ 249
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report
The best dad jokes are unplanned

My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue.

β€œWell, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..”

My 8 year old chimes in, β€œDaddy, what’s snoo?”

My immediate response? β€œNot much, what’s new with you?”

My journey to the dark side has been complete.

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drako1117
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Currently in the hospital after the birth of our third child. Wife talking to lactation consultant about supply vs demand.

I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Old ladies

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, β€œSometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, β€œYes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them β€œThat must be the door, I’ll get it!” Reply

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was driving and saw an older man going 20 in a 60 zone.

My wife said, "Everybody is going to be passing him" I chimed in, "Not if he passes first."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joxxter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Early morning work groans are the best groans

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says β€œJust so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

β€œIs your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and β€œthat was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

πŸ‘︎ 443
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
🚨︎ report
So I was sitting in my physics class...

and my teacher starts counting wavelengths to help us learn a concept. "One lambda, two lambda, three lambda" suddenly I chime in "man, I thought I was the only one trying to fall asleep here". My teacher looked at me obviously ready to scold me but before he does I proudly explain myself "Get it? Like counting sheep!". Believe me, the groan my classmates gave me was one for the ages.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myusernamestinks
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2014
🚨︎ report
A father, wanting to instil some manliness and maturity in his sons, brings them camping. The only food they get to eat is the food they get from the forest.

The dad splits up from the boys in the morning, leaving them the task of getting food for the day.

The boys chance upon a patch full of peas - they have enough for all three meals and to pelt each other with.

Reuniting at the end of the day, the dad asks how it went.

β€œWe played with each other’s peas!” The little one chimes in.

Just a little displeased, dad asks him sternly to clarify.

β€œWe gathered peas, he meant.” Added the middle boy.

β€œOkay, and what did you have for breakfast?”

β€œPea soup.”

β€œLunch?”

β€œPea soup.”

The boys started sniggering.

β€œWhat’s so funny? And what about dinner?”

β€œNothing dad. We had pea soup too.”

β€œWell, that doesn’t seem like much. What did you do all evening?”

Bursting out laughing, they all said:

β€œPee soup.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neloc1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my coworkers today

They were talking about lactose asking if it's a sugar or something. I chime in "oh I know what lactose is! It's when you have an accident without wearing your steel toed boots."

I got 2 groans, 2 grins and 1 chuckle

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/insanotard
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Talking about the depth of the universe

We were explaining the word depth and how it relates to the word of deep.

Kid can't say the word depth. So he said:"the entire univuse is pretty Def right dad?!"

I chimed in immediately: "I'm sure it is kiddo universe due to the too few ears in it."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackbeflippen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Me telling a historian about modern day doorbells

Me: "Have you heard of modern doorbell chimes?"

Historian: "Doesn't ring a bell"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greengo122
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Probably my best one yet while mingling with my coworkers.

So my coworkers and I were sitting around and chatting, and someone brings up how her ex boyfriend always wanted this $90 wok. So she bought it for him for Christmas or something and he never uses it. After everyone gets done with their "What a dick" comments, I chime in with "I guess you could say he talked the talk, but didn't wok the wok" Groans and highfives all around.

πŸ‘︎ 406
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cthom357
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
🚨︎ report
My coworkers and I were discussing the future and faster than light travel.

One of them said, β€œAll we have to do is make ourselves massless and then we can do it.”

Another replied β€œBut how do we bring our luggage?”

At which point I chimed in, β€œYou pack light.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Newt24
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone in my office asked her boss if anyone else usually sits on the same desk

Her boss replied "yeah, we got a bit of a hotdesk arrangement"

I chimed in and said "Well if it's a hotdesk, you could always turn the fan on."

She was not impressed.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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Bear Grylls

So, Bear Grylls was brought up in a conversation during Thanksgiving dinner. My dad decides to chime in, saying

"I prefer my Grylls painted".

Just let that one sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brocklefrog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
🚨︎ report
The Petting Zoo

So my girlfriend and I went to a petting zoo over the weekend. We were wandering around and watched an encounter with a young boy (probably 2) and a chicken. The boy was was following the chicken around clucking and waving his arms, with his father close behind.

The chicken became curious and darted towards the little boy, with that he screams and runs behind his dad. Without missing a beat, the dad chimes 'Woah, easy there - don't get startled or I'll be chicken your wrist for a pulse'

We made eye contact and I gave him the chuckle he deserved.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoshi100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
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MY Grandfathers Favorite Saying! LMAO I miss him

MY grandfather was more like a father to me during my teenage years. I miss him everyday, especially today! I need to share his favorite saying and I find myself saying it often. Whenever someone said something that wasn't very smart or did something well stupid, my grandfather would immediately chime in:

"If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your damn nose!"

Miss you Gramp! Happy fathers day out there

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Solutions2018
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
🚨︎ report
A skunk, a doe, a duck, and a giraffe walk into a bar...

As they order their drinks, the bartender asks, β€œWho’s paying for these?”

The skunk says β€œDon’t look at me, I’ve only got one scent”

The doe replies β€œnot me, I haven’t had a buck in years!”

The duck answers β€œSorry, I only have one bill on me”

Finally, the giraffe chimes in β€œDon’t worry guys, the high balls are on me”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigAssSackOfTree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad gave us this

My folks came up to visit. My mom flubbed the coffee, putting the grounds in the water chamber and she had to disassemble it and clean it before making coffee. Once we had piping hot cups all around my dad chimes in with this:

"You know, messing up the coffee is grounds for divorce."

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaberkaty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Tree joke

I was volunteering at a tree-identification event at a local park with about 15 people from work when I chimed in on the following exchange.

Leader: Alright, we've identified a couple of types of maplewood. Can anyone tell me what kind of tree THIS is? (points to a tree)

Someone: is it... it's a Dogwood?

Leader: Very good! Can anyone tell us how we know that it's a Dogwood?

Me: Because of its... bark.

Everyone: groans into laughter

I took a bow (or bough).

πŸ‘︎ 231
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucifurnace
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
🚨︎ report
The perfect storm.

I was being a brat, so my step-dad said

"I think he's on his period."

I reply

"no, I'm actually on my comma."

To which my mom chimes in

"I'm so confused..."

Moment of silence... My step dad looks at her...

"hi very confused. I'm dad."

Many fistbumps between him and me.

(sorry for formatting, on mobile.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alftrazign
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad embarrasses family at a graduation dinner

My family and I attended a dinner this evening with my sister's housemates and all of their families - the first time everyone was meeting. As we all browse the menu someone makes the comment that that they didn't like the duck at this restaurant and my father immediately had to chime in.

Dad: You're completely right, it's not all its quacked up to be.

Thanks Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/srgtslam
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Got dad joked by my 16 year old while driving

Driving yesterday when a rabbit ran across the highway.. I joking said to my wife, I almost ruined Easter, I almost ran over the Easter Bunny. My 16 year old chimed in... nah dad you missed it by a hare.

πŸ‘︎ 352
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbow808
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
🚨︎ report
Science joke build up

I work as a salesman in a call center. We were going over some of the more interesting names we’ve seen and called. Without disclosing the last name my neighbor said oh, you haven’t heard of β€œCytoplasm XXXXXXX”? I answered. The guy is a computer programmer who I’d imagine changed his name to that unless his parents are that cruel. I start rambling off β€œCytoplasm?? Of all the organelles in a eukaryotic cell to name yourself you pick cytoplasm?! What about Golgi apparatus, or endoplasmic reticulum?” My manager chimes in β€œwow you memorized a lot from bio” I told her I went to college for science shit but β€œnow here I am making phone calls as a professional, thanks college” to which my neighbor replies.... β€œI guess now you could say you’re a PROkaryote

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fly_MartinZ
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Corduroy Pillows

Visiting home, in the car with my mother and father; mother asks what I'd like for Christmas. I respond indifferently, saying I'm unsure, at which point my father chimes in:

"Would you like some corduroy pillows?"

"Uh...?"

"Yeah, I hear they're making headlines."

πŸ‘︎ 214
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Djloudenclear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
🚨︎ report
Dang it, Dad

My mom and I were discussing pickleball. I asked her if she had played when she was younger, and she said that it wasn't around when she was younger. Then dad chimes in with "that's because it was still cucumber ball back then".

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaxInTheBrownies
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Had a dad joke at work the other day, wanted to share.

Where I work, we have a honeybee hive and sell the honey in our market.

A pair of beekeepers were in the other day to extract some combs and before they left, they asked us (my Hispanic coworkers and myself) if we wanted to see them.

Both of my coworkers exclaimed, "Si, si!" and I promptly chimed in, "No, they aren't c's - they're bees!"

Audibly groans were had, I am ready for fatherhood.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crunkle_pat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
You got the same genes

So I'm in the kitchen with my brother and dad and I told my brother he wasn't my family and he then said "yes we are we have the same genes" Then my dad chimes in and says "no you don't your brother has a 31'32 Jeans".

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noisyes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
🚨︎ report
My girlfriends dad

She used the word congealed. I told her I like the word coagulate better. Her dad then chimes in with "Coagulate: when two dogs wag their tails in unison."

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5K337Lord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2014
🚨︎ report
My cousin and his girlfriend were talking about going to the ABBA Museum while on holiday, but he wasn't too sure since he's not the biggest ABBA fan.

My Dad chimes in "Well, if you change your mind!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlasticSoul1297
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My 7 year old is the hero we all need..

Last night at a restaurant, my son started to spell out things he wanted. Wether it was to annoy us, or keep my 4 year old daughter in the dark on the different kinds of ice cream, he succeeded on both fronts. Anyways, my wife goes "Enough, stop!". And he proceeds to go " e-n-o-u-g-h s-t-o-p". Then I chime in and say "one more time, and your in trouble, you are very annoying, use your words".

After a blank look on his face for a few seconds, the kind he and I both get when we are plotting something, he looks at me and simply says..... " Okay"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilbandit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2016
🚨︎ report
I just bought new wind chimes.

It was a pretty sound investment.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I just bought new wind chimes

It was a pretty sound investment

πŸ‘︎ 176
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2018
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Getting Old

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, β€œSometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, β€œYes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them β€œThat must be the door, I’ll get it!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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