- Does the big hand move clockwise?
Tick.
Worked like a charm, I really feel like I am in de pen dent
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
I assure you, everyone reacts quickly to this one!
Stake n shake!
(I'm not sure if this is a regional restaurant but I assure you it exists.)
This is the way.
They told me “he doesn’t count!”. I replied “I assure you he does”.
It was okay, he assured me that it would beehave
It scared my wife pretty bad.
I assured her he’s all right.
We were working on getting him a new SSD for his work laptop and he dropped this little nugget: "If I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive, would that enable cloud computing?"
He was so encouraging, he assured me that he has my back.
But when the movie comes out, I assure you, it’s gonna be a blockbuster.
Credit: u/Iziahzay
It has just become clear to me that my parents and I have very different views on the meaning of studying a broad.
She assured me the photos would receive high exposure.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
My family doesn't think it's a good idea, but I keep assuring them it makes scents.
is it still considered beef?
Told by my 12 year old brother, he got poor reactions from my siblings but I assured him the joke was well done.
The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."
The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.
"How??" Demands the first one.
"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."
"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.
"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"
So I was looking to get some weed the other day, and I asked my buddy if he had any recommendations since I wasn't really feeling like hitting a bong or joint. My buddy he suggests dabs, said he had a buddy named Yaba who sold good stuff. I wasn't convinced since I'm not a big user. But he assured me it would be great. He tells me "A Yaba-Dab-will-do-ya"
They assured me they were dealing with it.
But the committee assured them it was just natural selection!
He came in looking for a small coupe for his wife’s forthcoming birthday. He found one he liked and we completed a test drive together. The car was listed at £28,000 plus tax. He was deep in thought looking around the car but unfortunately for me he decided not to buy it. I was in my 20s, had a young family and working a commission only job so a couple of days later I rang him to see if anything could be done. He was keen on the car but didn’t like the £28,000 plus tax price tag. I assured him that this was a great price for the car, however he said that it wasn’t so much the price of the car, it was more the tax. He said, ‘I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do VAT’
It's okay, he assured her that it was totally paneless.
I heard it was the most natural way to get high.
Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.
The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.
"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"
When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.
"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."
The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it
... keep reading on reddit ➡They assured they'll try their best to... get me in.
Response: To live for ever, or die trying.
The salesman assured me the prophets would go through the roof!
So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.
I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".
There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...
[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]
She didn't want to waste it, but I assured her that throwing it away is the lesser of two weevils.
He thought it was fake, but I assured him it's legit a mitt.
During the consultation on Saturday, my nervous wife accompanied me to learn more about the procedure. She got me pretty good when she said it was an "eye-opening experience."
Rest assured I didn't leave her the last word. After the procedure yesterday, I exited the operating room to find her waiting in a crowded lobby. She looked up at me, and I got her back with "Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."
I assure her it was quilted
Hit head-on by a drunk driver, she broke her right wrist and forearm (compound fracture), and broke her right femur. The doctor came to talk to us after the surgery and told us she was okay. My dad asked, "will she be able to play the trumpet?" And the doctor assured us that she would make a full recovery and be able to play after the cast came off. To which my dad replies, "Wow, you're one hell of a doctor. All she could play before was the piano!"
A heart-warming tale about a snake in the desert.
They start walking towards the beach, on the 2nd day it starts raining. The turtle family realise that they forgot the umbrellas back home.
It was decided that the dad turtle would run back home and come back with the umbrellas.
‘No way’ the dad turtle said, ‘you guys would finish up the muffins while I’m away’. The family assured him that they won’t touch the muffins until he’s back.
Reluctantly, the dad turtle starts walking home.
More than 5 days passed and there was no sign of dad turtle coming back.
The young turtles were hungry and there were nothing but muffins left. The mom turtle decided to give the muffins to the young ones.
As soon as she reached the muffin bag, the dad turtle jumped out of his hiding from a nearby tree and said ‘I knew it you would eat the muffins while I’m gone’
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.
For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.
On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.
Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.
Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken
... keep reading on reddit ➡New evidence as been found that in addition to trying to sway public opinion against Tesla's advocacy of alternating current, Edison went so far as to try to criminalize A/C through the courts by claiming public endangerment.
Sounds like he was close to winning, but his own hubris did him in. He tried to assure his victory by attempting to bribe the circuit court judge.
I am a customer experience manager for a company that does third pay quality assurance.
I was listening to a call today & the agent asked the customer how she spelled her name. The customer chuckled & responded "Very carefully!"
Finé.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
... but doctors have now confirmed that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they can now assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
My family doesn't think it's a good idea, but I keep assuring them it makes scents.
My family doesn't think it's a good idea, but I keep assuring them it makes scents.
