My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"

"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
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My wife, who's eight months pregnant, asked me if I worry that it's been too hot recently for our baby inside her. I reassured her...

β€œNah, it’s probably womb temperature!"

πŸ‘︎ 178
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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My College Internship Almost Ruined My Life

I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.

When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.

The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.

Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.

After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.

Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.

Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!

I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instrumentsβ€”but it sure might be sheep or goat.

Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.

I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.

I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????

So I fucking called the museum

got the guy who interviewed me on the lineβ€”and he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?

He said, yes, BUT.......

"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/yungcfa
πŸ“…︎ May 13
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A patient was initially doubtful of the success rate and concerned about her upcoming heart transplant, but after some reassuring...

She had a change of heart.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/NomeSoap
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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The first time I went to the opticians I was really nervous. My dad tried to reassure me.

He put his hand on my shoulder and told me, "it'll be okay. Just don't make a spectacle of yourself."

Thanks, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ‘€︎ u/IKissedAMagikarp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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Brain reassured me with a dad joke last night

I was on a country highway on my bike, when the thought randomly struck me that it would suck if a deer suddenly jumped out and hit me at 120mph. My newly-wed but not yet dad brain gently and immediately reminded me that deer cannot move 120mph. Thanks brain.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
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My dad is so reassuring.
πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ‘€︎ u/DownOnRedHill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
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I have been accused of writing a long series of messages about the song "I'm Too Sexy"

But I would like to reassure everyone that I did not write said thread.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.

"Don't worry, sir," reassured the dispatcher. "Emergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive."

"How long will the ambulance be?" the man asked.

"About eighteen feet," replied the dispatcher.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ‘€︎ u/Muchacho1994
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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Wife asks her husband "Am I the only one you've ever been with?"

The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" -- to which his wife embraces him comfortably

...the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!"

Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ‘€︎ u/imOVN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
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A friend challenged me to a pun-athon, but being an artist, he was into pictoral puns.

Some of them were pretty strange: only he could understand them and explaining the 'pun' to somebody else would take like half an hour. Anyway-

He said, "So I'll go first?"

I said sure.

I think he took "pun-a-thon" a bit too literally - he took out a marker and drew a point, and then he kept drawing this straight line (he's good at drawing straight lines) while taking how many ever steps back. I for one was concerned, because first off I didn't know how long I'd have to stick around for this, and second of all, I didn't know if I could clean the mess he'd inevitably leave behind.

He kept drawing this line! We stepped out of my living room, then my apartment which was on ground-level, and he kept drawing it. He drew his line all the way through the corridor, up until the entrance to the building, and when I kept asking him if he's done yet, he didn't say a word. I had to keep subtly reassuring security and everyone who was staring at my friend hunched over like that robot from Wall-E.

He stepped out of the building and kept on drawing his line. At this point I was trying to guess what the hell is the outcome. I kept screaming punchlines at him like "is this where you draw the line?", "are you going to punch me after this so this is a punchline?" and shit like that. There were people following us and two were taking videos and it was really fucking uncomfortable.

Right after he was outside the building and the premises, he started to draw this stunning drawing of the building right on the pavement. It was almost magical, as if he had been commissioned to make an ad for my place but for a million bucks. At this point the people who were following us didn't even get pissed off because they were so engrossed in his drawing. I was surprised the marker kept going on.

After about 20 minutes - he was a real quick draw (no pun intended) - he stood up and a crowd of two dozen clapped and cheered for him.

I told him, "Dude that looks fucking amazing, but I thought we were in a pun-a-thon. Why such a long set-up?"

He replied, "Yeah it was pretty drawn out."

(for more drawn-out jokes like this, visit r/feghoot!)

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Osterman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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β€œDoctor, I keep seeing an inspect buzzing around me!”

He laughed and reassured me, β€œDon’t worry! That’s just a bug that’s going around.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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close encounter

one day, an alien appliance company named "Closen" decided to create a new and improved counter. Their plan was to create a slogan for it like "so good, even the humans like it!". But, they did need a human opinion. So, they abducted a human from Earth and introduced it to him.

"What do you think?" they translate to him. He shakes his head.

"Not for me, really".

Defeated, the aliens send him back down to Earth. As he reappears, many people surround him.

"Oh my goodness, are you ok? what happened?" They all screamed. He smiled, reassuring them.

"It's alright, it was just a Closen counter"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/kittypawprints4me
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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My grandpa's favorite joke this time of year

I used to know a guy who absolutely loved hollandaise sauce. He would buy the spiciest brand he could find and would put it on just about everything. Well it turned out that because he used the spicy sauce so much, it started to wear down a hole on the roof of his mouth. He went to a doctor and asked what he could do about it. The doctor looks at the damage and determines that the man will need a metal plate placed at the roof of his mouth. The man is relieved but can't help asking the doctor if he will still be able to enjoy his hollandaise sauce. The doctor reassures the man that his new plate will be made of chrome. The man was curious, so he asked if chrome was the best choice. The doctor responded with "Oh don't worry, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ‘€︎ u/MAJpeppers13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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A nervous soldier had jumped from a helicopter. He Radioed to his commander: "Are you sure these parachutes are safe?"

The commander chuckled, reassuring the solider. "We've had no complaints about them."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/-Vinushka-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
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I think I'm going to make a great dad

First off: I've had mono for the past couple weeks and my girlfriends been giving me shit for it and constantly cracking jokes about it.

So, I was laying in bed with her the other day and gave her a kiss on the nose and yelled,"Ha! Now you have monose!"

While probably not the greatest play on words, the cringing face and sigh she let out was all I needed to reassure me that there is potential for me yet.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/dpeters14fuck
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2015
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Dadjoked by my mum.

I'm moving to Spain in September, and my mum was worried I was going to get fat.

To reassure her, I said "Don't worry, I'll find a gym when I'm out there."

She replied "That might be difficult, they're usually called Pedro or Juan out there."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/6Jonnie6
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
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My son is starting school next year but is scared because he thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I reassured him, "Don't be silly! Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 16
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