Ares V Puns

Because there are more geese on that side.

Because they're all not 'C's.

There's more ducks on that side.

(As told by my father)

My dad used to say "You know why one side of the 'V' is longer?"

...no, why?

"Because there are more birds on that side."

Top level comments must contain simply the subject of the pun.

Replies are only puns of the subject.

My sister is in the emergency room with second degree burns on her foot from cooking oil, I need puns to make fun of her at thanksgiving.

Be merciless.

Edit: it was great, you're puns were big hits. After each pun I said your username without context, but at the end of dinner someone asked me if I was going insane and I said "no, those are the pun credits" so, in some of your cases it was pretty funny to say out of context.

Thank you all for your entries, they were great!

One of our support staff is retiring. She's been with us for about 10 years. She is known as "squirrel", her nickname from high school.

What are some puns I can use? I plan to have several small squirrel figures holding "signs" wishing her a happy journey, but want to be creative. This will be for a small room with food, cake, coffee, and good company.

Talking to a friend about possibly moving to California and earthquakes became a topic of conversation.

Her: Watch out for earthquakes though. No pressure.

Her: Sorry, I just get a little shaken up thinking about it.

Me: Don’t worry it’s not your fault

Then she didn't reply for a while.

Me: Did I crack you up? Are these puns resonating with you? Or are they just causing a rift in our friendship?

Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"

Proud dad moment!

Because their lives are in ruins

My thoughts are with his family.

They are cutting edge technology.

That way you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

“We gotta start getting some support around here or people are gonna think we’re nuts”

Not sure if this is allowed here. But I thought I’d give it a try.

I’m buying a stand mixer for my SO’s birthday. I was looking to add a note to the gift that’s punny. “I hope the treats you make with this are as sweet as you”. That ones terrible. I think?

But I would definitely love some help. Thank you.

Because heavy metals are toxic.

(I -22f- have created this joke when i was 15, I was waiting for an opportunity to disgust people with it. So here you go reddit lol)

Because all the leaves are brown.

12 second

Edit1: Since so many of you guys are confused, it's like January second, February second and so on.

Edit2: No 22nd doesn't count.

They are key workers

I guess we are raised differently.

But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.

Because they have little anty-bodies.

Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!

Because they are hill areas.

There are thousands of snowflakes gathering in DC, crying because they lost the election and they can't con their way to victory.

Doctors are calling it munch housing by proxy.

This is because concrete floors are really hard.

He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”

Good players are hard to find.

Me: the reason why I'm asking is that you are a member of the Police

Officer: please, Don't stand so close to me

He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

“Those are just contractions.”

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πr^2, but cake are round.

Waited about 4 months to post this.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

“I live in Spain without the ‘s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the “Bah”.

1. I have a double China without the “a”.

2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the “an”.

3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the “J”.

5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the “Ku”.

6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the “Ne”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the “Den”, of course.

They are always Stalin.

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

I come to this subreddit everyday to get my fill of home baked dad jokes and some of these jokes are slackin. Let alone that most of them are puns!

I’ve already read ten puns today hoping that at least one of them would make me laugh but no pun in ten did!

So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to “put the kettle on” I respond “I can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked “do you need a bag” I point at her and say “it’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.

I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

People are just dying to get in

I said, “Yes please.”

Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.

There's more geese on that side.

Because there’s more birds on that side.

There are more birds in that line.

...

Because there are more birds on that side.