I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
I HATE HOW FUNERALS ARE ALWAYS AT 9AM
I'm not really a mourning person 😔
I asked my grandpa, “How are you enjoying the new stair lift?”
Grandpa: I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.
My son asked me "Why are bananas such popular fruits?". I replied
"Because they have a peel".
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
Boss: I find it highly suspicious that you are always sick on weekdays.
Me: It must be my weekend immune system.
I only judge men that are tall
I guess you could say I’m judgemental
I hope that the universe keeps on expanding forever so all the heat runs out some day. It means that eventually things are gonna be 0 K
My mates and I are in a band called "Duvet".
My kid told me they are transgender; so I turned invisible.
Because now, I'm a transparent.
Puns are the devil's work so I have nun.
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
My son and I are very immature when he is sitting on the toilet.
I asked him:
If you pooped up into the air, would it be skyarrhea?
If you pooped after eating a pastry, would it be piearrhea?
If you pooped in the middle of the grocery store, would it aislearrhea?
If your poop was painful, would it be cryarrhea?
If you couldn't poop, would your friend ask you to just tryarrhea?
If you didn't actually have to poop, but said you did, would it be liearrhea?
If you were a scientist who had to take a poop, would it be Bill Nyearrhea?
If you pooped in an airplane, would it by flyarrhea?
If you pooped while working for a secret government agency, would it be spyarrhea?
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"
I heard that fish are good for your dog's health.
The final question in our pub quiz last night was ‘name the indigenous people who are often referred to as Eskimo’. I’m so disappointed I got it wrong especially as....
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me how to do the splits. He said ‘how flexible are you?’
I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
Dad: “... and if I’m being frank you are acting terrible about it”
Child: “ if you are being frank who is being dad?”
Actual conversation I heard in the store
All the astronauts I've met are so bad at returning phone calls.
It's like they've fallen off the face of the earth.
It’s been years since the show ended, and I’m a little annoyed that people are still making ‘Friends’ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I guess people are just going crazy about the exterior of that new cargo ship that was named for the bear from the Jungle Book.
Personally, I’m tired of the hullabaloo.
My new girlfriend and I are both really into fitness, and I've got a really good feeling about us.
I just know we're going to workout.
My flatmate and I are single AF so I got her flours for valentines day....
When I told my mate I was going deaf, he asked, “what are the symptoms?”
I said, “they’re a yellow cartoon family with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie”
I asked my mom how are computers so smart
She answered:"Because they listen to their motherboards"
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.
It’s because they charge a lot.
I’m really loving the tree puns people are posting
They’re just such lightwooded jokes but I understand that it doesn’t teaks everyone’s fancy. I’m running out of tree puns so I might have to branch off to other puns or spruce up my current ones
Most of the attractive, single women I meet, are divorced...
I don't know why people are afraid of flying ?
Most crashes happen at ground level.
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.
My wife and I are making some artwork in the name of our favourite Bon Jovi song. So far we have the words "Livin' on".
I've written a stage representation of a story in which all lines are puns, and the stage is covered with the pages of a dictionary...
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- absoutely briliant
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"
The three things I like are:
Eating my family and not using commas.
Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you!
See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!
I’ve never understood why baby dogs are called puppies...
When they could be called subwoofers
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
son: I just learnt what conjunction are
I usually don't care what other people are saying...
....until they start whispering.
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
I hate how funerals are always at 9 am.
I'm not really a mourning person.
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
I asked my grandpa, "How are you enjoying the new stair lift?"
Grandpa: It has it's ups and downs
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