A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?

Because they're all not 'C's.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedPlanetCorridor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my dad carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, β€œWhat are you going to do with it?”

He said, β€œLet’s cross that fridge when we get there.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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Help with puns for the name Samuel/Sammy/Sam?

What are some good puns for that name? (Preferably 1 word, instead of a whole phrase) thanks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Modsareawesome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Entertainment puns

I have two favorite titles that are extremely clever puns.

β€œShawn the Sheep” β€œDexter”

β€œShawn the Sheep” is a sly play on the dialect of the characters in the animation. β€œShawn” and β€œshorn” have the same pronunciation in the dialect of the outskirts of Bristol, UK.

β€œDexter” is a wonderful Latin pun. β€œDexter” is the word for β€œright” and β€œSinister” is the implied compliment, the word for β€œleft” in Latin. Dexter is a series about a serial killer who only murders those guilty of crimes. His name in Latin implies he is the opposite of sinister, right or just.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/serendipindy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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Please report post that violate the rules!

Recently new mod here, all I ask is that you report ANY posts that break the rules such as; Reposts, posts that are not a pun, NSFW, Etc. With it being reported it makes our jobs easier! Thank you have a great day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nws4c
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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Join my pun commune and share in the free pun love movement, children.

In this space, this pun doesn't belong to him, brother.

In this time, that goddess doesn't own this pun.

You see child, in this existence, they are all: r/puns.✌️

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dlveazie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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I once drew a Venn Diagram to explain my use of puns to my wife

We had been cooking dinner, and my wife commented (after one too many comments about 'Gouda being gooda and Feta being Betta') that it seemed like most of my puns tend to be food puns.

So I drew her a diagram. I started with a huge circle to represent all of my puns. Inside that I drew a large circle filling about 90% of it.

"Those are my food puns."

I then drew another circle, this one about half the size of the food circle, with almost all of it inside the food circle.

"And these are my cheese puns."

My wife immediately called me out, pointing at the sliver that was outside of the food circle.

"Shouldn't this be fully inside the other circle?"

"No," I say, "Those puns are rare, but they tend to be cheesiest."

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xahhfink6
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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Puns to make you all laugh!

Hey everyone! First day on Reddit and would love to make a good start. Here are a few puns to cheer up your day :

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast

When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

What's the worst thing about throwing a party in space? You have to Planet.

To write with a broken pencil ,is pointless.

A frog robbed a bank. It was the first time it Kermited a crime.

I used to have a fear of hurdles ,but I got over it.

There you go everyone! Hope you all enjoyed it and if at all cheered your day up! Feel free to leave some feedback :)

Cheers

  • KingAaronCOC
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingAaronCOC
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2014
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For the 2nd time in 4 years, I got my girlfriend to laugh at one of my daily dad jokes! Hope you like it too.

We are watching a dumb hallmark Christmas movie and the main guy owns a coffee shop. He is getting married and I make fun of the fact that his vows are all coffee puns.

So my girl yells, "well, he is a coffee person!"

Me- "no babe, he is just a human person."

(Her laugh was really a slight chuckle and a "you're so dumb", but dammit, I am taking the win!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkelsey4610
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2015
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Punny Redditors, I need your best "wood" puns!

I need help for a project! What are your best puns that have anything to do with wood?

Examples:

"Can I axe you a question?"

"I wood stay longer, but I have to leaf now"

EDIT: another one: "birch please!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cat_attack_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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Truck driver dad joke

Though usually dad jokes are groan-worthy puns, I think this fits the category as a very dad-like joke despite the lack of punnery:

I got a message from my truck driver brother-in-law, who says he's hauling "post holes and sailboat fuel" back home today.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/et11robot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2016
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How mathematicians break up...

Initially inspired by a joke I heard elsewhere on the Internet but I took it a step farther. Hint: there are several hidden puns (at least 6)

Dear Algebra, Stop asking me to find your X. As to the reason she left, we'll never know Y. She probably never fancied your green bra. Maybe it's a sin that she wants a distant relationship. But have no fear, as she spans higher dimensions for true love, she'll look far and wide, for she lives on the edge. She'll soon realize that she's not so significant after all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgbradley1
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
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The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.

My thoughts are with his family.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Why won't swords go obsolete?

They are cutting edge technology.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/U-r-a-bus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?

They are key workers

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarBoobSale
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break.

This is because concrete floors are really hard.

πŸ‘︎ 818
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

πŸ‘︎ 187
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mari_kitsuro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Proud dad moment: My five year old and I were discussing Halloween candy. I told him I like Kit-Kats.

He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said β€œKit-Kats are good but these are butter.”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisoatkins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t! The doctor says "don't worry."

β€œThose are just contractions.”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.

My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.

My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.

4yo: "I like your shirt mama!

Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?

4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"

πŸ‘︎ 873
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shade0217
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death

The police are treating it as a hummuside

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Whiteboards

are remarkable.

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Changed all my passwords to Kenny.

Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pugglepoops
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Why can you never find a hippo hiding in a tree?

Because they are so good at it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SumOfMostFears
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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A lot of people accuse me of plagiarism.

But those are their words, not mine.

πŸ‘︎ 773
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theunkillable
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I've started a boating business from my attic.

The sails are going through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 254
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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What four elements are you not allowed to bring to your job?

Nitrogen, sulfur, Fluorine, and tungsten, cause they are NSFW.

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wileydan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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My girlfriend told me"I'm pregnant"

With years of waiting I finally said "Hay pregnant I'm dad" "No, no you are not" she responded

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drdebica
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Most math puns aren't very funny

But sum are

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaleoGamer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 744
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Someone stole my copy of Microsoft Office!

I dont know who you are, but I WILL get you for this. You have my Word.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sveil96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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What's the longest word in the English language?

Smiles. The first and last letters are a mile apart.

πŸ‘︎ 897
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Astronaut 1: Isthereaplacewecanhangoutafterwork?

Astronaut 2: Yeah, there’s a space bar right over there.

Astronaut 1: Great, wanna go after work?

Astronaut 2: Nah, not really; the drinks are great but there’s no atmosphere...

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pleasethelions
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Dad: "Would you like anything to eat for dinner?"

Son: "What are my choices?"
Dad: β€œYes” or β€œno”

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate?

They are both cauldron.

πŸ‘︎ 312
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kabukimansanjoe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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The guy who stole my diary has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

πŸ‘︎ 989
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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