I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
My next door neighbor and I are very good friends, so we decided to share our water supply, because..
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive .
It's because they charge a lot.
My friend and I are working on a tight deadline in our Dracula action figure business.
I have to make every second Count.
I HATE HOW FUNERALS ARE ALWAYS AT 9AM
I'm not really a mourning person 😔
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
I heard Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced.
Apparently he refused to ever empty the recycle bin.
My mate broke his leg, so I wrote "You are stupid" on his cast.
I was just adding insult to injury.
I asked my grandpa, “How are you enjoying the new stair lift?”
Grandpa: I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.
I was really scared when I started as a pilot. I looked down nervously and said: "What are all these buttons for?"
The co-pilot said: "They keep your shirt closed."
There are two things I hate in this world...
Hypocrites and people who hate other people
I read today that defibrillators are going to be required for all public buildings...
Sometimes Sundays are really sad, but I noticed today that they are never the saddest of the week
The day before is always a sadder day
My son asked me "Why are bananas such popular fruits?". I replied
"Because they have a peel".
I just found out that cats are always in pain
The puns I make are stupid.
I went to an amusement park yesterday based on the Underworld. I had a hell of a time.
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
Boss: I find it highly suspicious that you are always sick on weekdays.
Me: It must be my weekend immune system.
I was a little shocked to find out that Bill and Melinda Gates are divorcing.
They seemed so happy..on the Surface.
I asked the librarian where the books on paranoia are kept.
She whispered "They're right behind you".
I've often found that dad jokes are best enjoyed with my favorite type of tea:
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
Honey, where are the carrots? I can't find a single one
Maybe try a married one then
People are often surprised at how many risks I take.
My board game closet is stuffed!
I only judge men that are tall
I guess you could say I’m judgemental
My mates and I are in a band called "Duvet".
I told my son farts are sharp
I hope that the universe keeps on expanding forever so all the heat runs out some day. It means that eventually things are gonna be 0 K
My kid told me they are transgender; so I turned invisible.
Because now, I'm a transparent.
Puns are the devil's work so I have nun.
My son and I are very immature when he is sitting on the toilet.
I asked him:
If you pooped up into the air, would it be skyarrhea?
If you pooped after eating a pastry, would it be piearrhea?
If you pooped in the middle of the grocery store, would it aislearrhea?
If your poop was painful, would it be cryarrhea?
If you couldn't poop, would your friend ask you to just tryarrhea?
If you didn't actually have to poop, but said you did, would it be liearrhea?
If you were a scientist who had to take a poop, would it be Bill Nyearrhea?
If you pooped in an airplane, would it by flyarrhea?
If you pooped while working for a secret government agency, would it be spyarrhea?
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"
I heard that fish are good for your dog's health.
It’s been years since the show ended, and I’m a little annoyed that people are still making ‘Friends’ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
When I told my mate I was going deaf, he asked, “what are the symptoms?”
I said, “they’re a yellow cartoon family with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie”
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me how to do the splits. He said ‘how flexible are you?’
I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
My flatmate and I are single AF so I got her flours for valentines day....
All the astronauts I've met are so bad at returning phone calls.
It's like they've fallen off the face of the earth.
I told my 7 year old daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
Puzzled she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?
I chuckled, "Well that means....its pasture bedtime. "
My brother and I are working on a tight deadline in making Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
I asked my gran, "How are you enjoying the stairlift ?"
She said, "I hate it. It's driving me up the wall."
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.
It’s because they charge a lot.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
