Cows that travel alone?

Never herd of them!

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TrueAidooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do you never see people running in Jeans alone?

Because Jeans run in a family

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Br4ve_He4rt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Superj89
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I was alone in the bath

Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/knightysays
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Tired of online dating? You're not alone.

Oh, wait! Yes you are, that's why you are online dating.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of vegetable would star in Home Alone?

A macauliflower

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aakashrajaraman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say when anxious ideas won't leave you alone?

Begone, thoughts

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jet_bridge
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.

I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy just approached me and won’t leave me alone until I solve a trigonometry problem.

I don’t know what his angle is.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Man must not live by bread alone.

He must also have peanut butter.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrubian-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
She was drinking alone so I went over to her and gave her my best pickup line...

She's apparently not a Ford F-series fan.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
In my sleep I once dreamt I was sad and alone

Some would say I'm living the dream.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
This dog won't stop leaving me alone
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tristan_2032
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
While living alone and always wearing a mask in public, I grew a mustache without anyone knowing.

It’s my secret β€˜stache.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kfizzle217
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Home Alone
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cob that’s all alone?

A Uni-Corn.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-DemCheekss
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood. He said, "everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish."

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
One alone can not, but two cat.
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-_-STRANGER-_-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Physicians work alone, or in mid-sized teams

because two of them together would be a paradox.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the criminal steal the money alone?

He was banking on his friends to do it

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Bruce Lee feel so alone when no one was around?

Because he was Lone Lee

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Monkey_the_dragon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I know it's bad but leaf me alone... you're the root of all my problems.
πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gaeboomering
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
*Leave* it alone
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AGuyInInternet
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife said the best way to deal with bugs in the kitchen is to just leave them alone.

Personally I think that is just ignore ants.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ezemity
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A man only plays his instrument when alone

Accordion to himself, he’s great

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/double_tap_00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't elephants swim alone?

Because you need a pair of trunks to swim

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?

A babe-bee.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KMG2021
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I live alone on a lake

It's Erie.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Who else is self quarantining alone?

I am this close to naming my volleyball!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mylar321
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m feeling very alone

Haven’t spoken to anyone this whole year

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DatGuyDaz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I stole this, just leaf me alone
πŸ‘︎ 730
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IUserThisName
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.

He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home.

He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite.

The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance.

Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/basmith0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Being alone and have no one to prank..

...is a real pun-ishment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/myhomebasenl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking alone in the park last night?

One was assaulted

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/waterloohoo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Wanna know why I prefer to ride the elevator alone?

I can’t take the stares.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Musicmanst90
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did 27 eat alone?

Because 28

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WeAreExiles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Forever Alone
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UnknownRoman18
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Do you know anyone who's going to be alone this Xmas ?

Please let me know....I need to borrow some chairs.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
The tailor at the tuxedo store kept hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
The guy at the tuxedo store was hovering over me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report

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