Every morning, I like to stand in front of a mirror and think about all the good things I've done.
It's just a moment of reflection.
I hope that the universe keeps on expanding forever so all the heat runs out some day. It means that eventually things are gonna be 0 K
In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.
Every one reading this is on the same page.
Edit: Thanks guys. This is way too much love.
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
“Well, this thing’s all screwed!” Wife shouts as the leg breaks off my handmade dining table today.
“Dang!” I replied. “I really thought I’d nailed it.”
Only two things make me forget about all the shit that's going on with my life. Comedy and......
I spent all morning at the lake photographing birds. Enjoyable but I didn’t see a thing.
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
Of all the things I learned while in grade school...
I never thought trying to avoid cooties would be the most useful thing at this stage of my life.
Whether you are Democrat or Republican, I think we can all agree on one thing.
The election results have been un-presidented.
I'm writing about all the things I should do before I die
As this year is coming to a close, I find myself thinking about all the things I would have done differently.
Seems like I got 20/20 hindsight.
Think about all the things that you forgot...
Ramadan is starting today. To all my Muslim friends who are observing this holy month, I have one thing to say.
Y'all acting like overclocking is an expert thing
My 4yo son was surprised I saw him doing something out of the corner of my eye. He asked how I saw him and I said, "Grown ups see all kinds of things."
"That's why it's called adult super-vision."
The worst thing about driving for Uber is all the people talking behind your back
Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.
To be honest, it was about thyme.
I want to create a sculpture of all the things that are holding humanity back.
I'd call it "statue of limitations".
All these jokes about the coronavirus have one thing in common...
They all conta gious one thing...bad puns!
Puurfectly balanced as all things should be
My nan says all things will be earned with time
Ehh, I cannot buy that for a second.
With all his clumsy shenanigans, Olaf broke a lot of expensive things
Anna asked Elsa, "Do you wanna bill 'da snowman?"
A lot of things are bad for your soul, but the worst of all?
Marijuana causes users to become so mellow that they may lose all interest in things that are important. It's a tension deficit disorder.
What do you call the ruler of all things rice?
All the metal things fell off the neck of my guitar.
I remember as a kid my dad got fired from his job as a road worker fir theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing but when i got home, the signs were all there.
One day I hope to explore all the cool things in Madison County, Iowa...
But I’m just not ready to cross those bridges.
The best thing about all the stuff Jesus gave to the poor, is that he gave it all to them for free.
You could say it was Jesus Priced.
My wife and I were talking about starting a family and all the health things you're supposed to do like not eat processed sliced meats. Unfortunately she currently eats a turkey sandwich most days for her lunch.
I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.
To all the youth, the one thing I have learned throughout the years...
Is that I'm older than you.
What do you call the greek demigod who's great at all things pi?
Man, I haven't (insert common thing) all year.
I'm sure that we can all agree that a horse's back is a good thing to ride on.
A crocodile's back, on the other hand, really isn't a good thing to ride on.
But an elephant's back? Well... that's a grey area.
They say life's all about making the little things count
so I'm going to teach math to midgets.
My wife told me I should get up and do things instead of watching TV all day...
I bet at an organization class you'd learn all sorts of things.
He says things like this all the time
Sitting in my parent's living room with my wife, she just got some new TOMS shoes with sheet music on them.
Dad: Walks into living room and stares at wife's shoes
Wife: What are you staring at? laughs
Dad: Oh sorry, I was just...noting...your shoes
Clearing all the weights/workout things from the Nursery to prepare for the baby's arrival
Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says "it's really time you carried your own weight around here." I think he's ready for the baby to get here.
All of a boxer's jokes have one thing in common.
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