I heard that General Kellogg was going to be the new national security adviser.

I have to say, though: I'm disappointed they didn't go with General Mills.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koenn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my insurance adviser today

I had a meeting with an adviser at the bank to discuss life insurance.

Him: "Do you have a Will, by any chance?"

Me: "I don't have a Will, but I have a Way."

Him: "Haha! I like that!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bopoqod
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Due to COVID-19, the German government is advising that people stock up on sausages and cheese.

They are preparing for a wurst kΓ€se scenario.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerFluff27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
In the latest news... the Seven Dwarves have been advised that as of today, they can only meet in groups of six.

One of them is not Happy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My lawyer advised me of a hernia mesh replacement lawsuit

Sounds like a huge pain in the butt

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Security professionals advise to never use β€˜beef stew’ as a password

It isn’t stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 421
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-m-meeseeks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: β€œI’m on the toilet, please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronh1202
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Didn't think it fit r/boottoobig, didn't know where else to put it. Please advise if necessary
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LthlPnc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Viewer discretion is advised.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marshallino
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
The German government is advising residents to stock up on sausage and cheese due to the Covid pandemic.

They're calling it a wurst-kΓ€ze scenario.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_jandax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Homer Simpson is an alcoholic because he is following his dad's only piece of advise

Life's Duff!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freewillson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."

"...but it’s worth a shot."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
When discussing my history of eye inflammation at the optometrist, I was advised to look up information on conjunctivitis.com.

It's a site for sore eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/conundrumbombs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was making breakfast for the first time and he distraughtly asked me, "How do you stop the sausages from curling in the pan?!" I smiled and advised…

"Well son, just take away their little brooms."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Due to a liver problem, I was advised to give up alcohol.

So I now identify as M, I gave up the ale

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperDave-1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have advised that we stop eating cows

We’ll have to think of udder things to eat.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/knob-ed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I was studying to be a doctor for 3 years

But I stopped because I didn't have the patients

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joek7891
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is considering selling lamps but I advised against it

Seems like a shady business

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waddupmanitsjohn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
As my son was heading out to go camping, I advised him, "If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same."

"Then you’ll have a match!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My son's getting older and worried about going bald, so I advised him to get a tattoo of a rabbit on his head. He just stared at me confused, so I said...

"Yeah, because from a distance, it'll look like hare!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I took a COVID 19 crap at work.....

People were advised to wear a mask and stay 6 feet away from the bathroom

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryman19
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a drunk guy giving advises?

Tipsy

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bubi093
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I was advised to post these here. I apologize in advance.

What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?

A: Lenin suits

What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?

A: That'll leave a Marx!

What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?

A: Stop Stalin and get to work!

What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?

A: Mao! That hurts!

An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.

The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."

The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."

20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.

The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"

The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crookedletter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
The following depicts scenes of gratuitous heteronormative sexual acts

Sensitive viewers are advised to avert their gays

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
"You must always look twice before you cross," I advised my son.

I take Tic-Tac-Toe very seriously.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Following a bad breakup a bartender advised me that happiness lies at the bottom of a tequila bottle

I took it with a grain of salt

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I used to think there was nothing I could do about being lob-sided without expensive surgery, but was advised to put ab extra in-sole in one shoe, so...

I stand corrected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Detective Johnson and detective Smith were investigating a murder that occurred next to a playground. The only witnesses to the murder were four children, a brother age 3 and sister age 4, and a different brother (age 7) and sister (age 8).

The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex. The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D. Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldn’t bother question 8D’s children about what they saw, since they’re too young to have a reliable memory. He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9D’s kids will remember.

πŸ‘︎ 385
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Signs for broken toilets should read, "pooer discretion is advised"
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/penguinpilates
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad Advise #34: If you see someone drowning, call the ice cream man

He can get them a float.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Synisive
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new disease spreading amongst the juggalos?

Doctors advise you steer clear of Whoop Whooping Cough

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Local authorities are advising that, due to freezing temperatures, everyone huddle in the corner

because it's 90 degrees there

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoquiero
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Why did the man open his mouth in front of the bulb?

He was advised to have light meals only.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rbwj
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friend that it feels like I'm dating a machine these days.

He advised "lever".

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/epikshit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A 600 pound man went to the doctor's office today

His nutritionist advised him to either start a new diet or exercise more but the man couldn't outweigh his options

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McDiddy2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an extremely rich person who lives in Rio de Janeiro?

A brazilionaire!

The dinner table was quiet for a solid 5 minutes, a personal record for my family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NanoFire_Mead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife said she wanted a nose job.

"You should apply to the perfume shop," I advised her.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The Wong and White wedding

While in high school, Dana White met and fell in love with David Wong. After a few months the couple decided to get married. Dana insisted on getting married at sunset on the ocean on a yacht. The big day finally arrived and both families joined together to head out for the wedding. The captain of the yacht, checked the weather and saw a storm brewing. He advised the party it was not safe to travel out, but Dana and David both insisted they were going to get married on the ocean at sunset, so everyone loaded up and the boat departed. Sure enough just as the captain was performing the ceremony the storm hit, and the boat capsized killing everyone aboard. The next day the head of the the NTSB, Mr. Perry made this statement. It was a stormy night. So many Wong's and Whites. Neither would change their headstrong ways. The sea was in a rage. The captain turned the page. Their dying wasn't worth what they paid.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I took my son out fishing today...

He said, "Dad, the fish just aint biting here, can't we go out a little further?"

I looked sternly at him and responded, "Son, catching fish in deep waters is eel-advised."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
🚨︎ report
My Dad emailed me this joke this evening

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this

for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's

not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.

"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aznatheist620
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
🚨︎ report
The wife's a redhead

Her friend asked her for some advise on a subject that could be very disastrous if not handled right.

She asked me what to do.

I responded with handle it like a redhead. Gingerly.

Even though we are several states away from each other, I heard her groan.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dokpsy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad Joke - Ultimate Backfire

For as long I can think of, anytime I would take my family out for supper at a restaurant, when our server would bring us the check I would in my best calm and collected demeanor advise our server "Oh table #?? said they were picking this up for us tonight", to which most servers just give a ya right smile or a simple haha nice try sir.

Well on this most recent adventure I see the check coming and get all primed and plot it all out. The server politely slides the check to me, I so graciously put my hand on it and slide it back with my recited lines delivered so perfectly "Oh yes I should have told you sooner that table 16 has offered to pick up the check tonight". Well our server burst out laughing, which to us was a surprise as its not as hilarious as she is now making it. Well when she finally stops laughing enough to talk, she so wonderfully delivers the message, "thats good to know sir - cause your sitting at table 16!"

Jokes on me! But it made for a great night of laugh at dad.

Edit - "demeanor" - where the frick was auto correct on that one. thx Enders!

πŸ‘︎ 129
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontwanttosleep
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Not a dad-still a dad joke

At an event in filming at school, the adviser comes to check in on us. Im laying down on a battery, so I say "i'm sleeping on a battery." "You've gotta recharge somehow," he says

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilyoftheally
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2014
🚨︎ report
For my cakeday, I shall share the ever so rare MOMjoke. (in thread)

I was giving my mom some advise as she was buying a new car a few years ago. She brought up a car I thought would be an awesome car to own, and she shot me down...hard..

mom texts are cruel

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cornnndog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2015
🚨︎ report
My 6th grade teacher was the king of dad jokes.

My 6th grade teacher had a reputation of being the meanest, strictest teacher on campus, but once I made it through his class, I realized he could be a jokester, too.

-In math class, he liked to tell a long, complicated story about a boy encountering a genie, eventually wishing for some odd things, just to end it with the punchline, "Gee, I'm a tree." (geometry)

-Another one of his long jokes consisted of a man being chased by a hearse. In a fit of desperation, he throws some Halls throat lozenges at it...."and the coffin went away."

-During study time, he would sometimes grab a balloon from his desk, blow it up, and proceed to slowly let air out of it, just to produce the squeaky noise.

-His favorite short joke: "Doctor, doctor, I broke my arm in three places!" "I advise you to stay out of those places."

-He was also probably the all-time leader of correcting, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

-He would also occasionally play opera music at the end of the day, not dismissing the class until we made it through an entire song without laughing.

-There were also a couple words that incited a specific reaction from him. Many of these words showed up often in history class, which is his favorite subject (probably because of all the jokes):

Anyway, it was a fun year with that teacher. I'll add more of his quirks if I think of any.

-Also,

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyei8hts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Our GPS is full of Billy Connolly dad jokes

We have a TomTom with Billy Connolly's voice and this makes me chuckle a little every. single. time.

"U-Turn ahead. I'll be here when you get back."

Also

"Turn around. It is advisable to turn the whole car around."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvolArtMachine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
🚨︎ report
My niece at Thanksgiving dinner...

had a bit of a choking scare when she tried to stuff a whole crescent roll in her mouth.
After she regained her composure, I advised her to slow her roll. Groans abound.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capomatt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2014
🚨︎ report
We were discussing things to bring on our upcoming trip to Hawaii

My sister suggested bringing her waterproof camera to take pictures while we snorkel, and I advised her to look up the owner's manual to make sure that it could handle salt water.

Me: The salt water might wreck the seal.
Dad: Would it wreck the walrus?

All: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mack_Kohl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Germany is now advising its citizens to stock up on cheese and sausages.

The Wurst KΓ€se scenario has arrived.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, β€œIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, β€œI'm on the toilet, please advise…”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."

"...but it’s worth a shot."

πŸ‘︎ 400
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...

β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... β€œI am on the toilet. Please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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