My dad wanted to see me as nothing but a let down, but with all of my accomplishments

I just let him down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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The designer of Big Ben finally released a book on his accomplishments.

It's about time.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeaaawright
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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Having size 15 shoes is a great accomplishment.

After all... It’s no small feet.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TF79870
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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As a Broadway director my life's greatest accomplishment was the production about a group of kleptomaniacs.

Unfortunately, one of them stole the show.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ivegot_back
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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How did the inventor of the calendar inform his wife about his accomplishment?

He said, β€œYour days are numbered!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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I saw one of the world's most accomplished cows earlier today.....

She was outstanding in her field.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Challenge: No Nut November Accomplished

New Foreskin Unlocked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fakipo2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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My mom told me I would never accomplish anything lying around in bed..

Look at me now, saving lives!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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When she ask what I have accomplished over the years. ‡️
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asgersory
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez seems to be a pretty accomplished politician...

Imagine if she was Fulltime-Cortez!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kettykie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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"Vote for me, and we won't have BEEF. I hope to MEAT all of your expectations, but if we don't accomplish everything, don't have a COW."
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fools_Requiem
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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Michonne Accomplished
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BkatIsgreat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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My children are now under the assumption that "Dorito" is Spanish for "Orange Triangle". Lunchtime mission accomplished.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrawForChange
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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Why don’t horses get anything accomplished at their town hall meetings?

They always vote neigh.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lankyjay16
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Is it strange to have a fetish about accomplishing things?

I just came to my feat!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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In what academic subject are the Zerg most accomplished?

LINGuistics

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emeri5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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I accomplished drinking the orange juice

Suck zest!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SauceMaster6464
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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The best way to get dad joked:

I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.

I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?

She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.

So I say, not yet I'm dirty.

She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:

Hi! um...

wait a sec,

um, I know um,

um, wait.... dir...

[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]

Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!

I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...

It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...

It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied β€œbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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After the borders reopen I am going to visit Greenwich, England!!!

There is a lot that I want to accomplish in The Mean Time!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rgapinski
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I have never felt so accomplished.

I was just able to get a dentist appointment at 2:30

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N64GC
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
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I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do!"

"Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf...but he didn't listen!"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Out of all the posts I've put on reddit...

this is the most recent.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wotmate
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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Why has it always been One Week since Trump threatened a trade war?

Because he's playing chicken with China, the Chinese chicken.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinitecogs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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(From my 8yr old daughter) Clapping is very weird...

You're high fiving yourself over someone else's accomplishment

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klokwerkz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
🚨︎ report
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,

β€œI’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YeahChristopher
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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Buwanna

I recall from my youth, a time of great adventure. My friends and I on safari hunting the Great North-American Man-Eating Female Butt-Ox.

The hunt was difficult and expensive. Once one has been identified as an acceptable specimen you need to slow its wits and dull its decision making process. This is best accomplished with loud music, flashing lights and alcohol. But even then the hunt can be foiled by rushing in to early. If you're successful, you then need to separate it from the pack. This is the trickiest bit as less than ideal pack members will often fight ruthlessly to "protect" your target.

But even the most successful outings are not without risk. On several occasions I found myself entangled in a wrestling match for hours. But there lies the fruit of the hunt...

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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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A man, adrift at sea in his kayak, was running low on supplies

As the sky darkened, he started to get worried about the cold. Rummaging through his supplies, he realized he had just enough to build a small fire. The man did accomplish his goal, but just as the fire started to grow, it sank his vessel, and the man drowned.

I guess the old saying holds true; you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Was painting with the Mrs. last night and...

...she told me that we didn't have a color we needed.

So this morning I said "I had a dream last night that I found that color for you, but when I woke up I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination."

Got a groan from her, mission accomplished.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Richard_Punch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Pythagoras the explorer (long)

Everyone knows the Pythagorean theorem, but few people know that Pythagoras was an avid and accomplished explorer who visited the new world before the Vikings or Columbus ever laid eyes on the continent. On one of his early visits he encountered a village and happened upon a woman, heavily pregnant sitting on the hide of a bear. He asked her what she was doing and she told him that she wanted to give birth on the hide so that her child would have the strength of a bear when he was born. As he walked further into the main part of the village he saw another woman, again quite pregnant sitting on the hide of a deer. When asked she replied that she wanted her child to have the grace and agility of a deer. Seeing a trend he was taken aback when he saw a very pregnant woman sitting on the hide of a hippopotamus. Surprised both at the choice and at the existence of such a creature, he wondered what she must wish for her child, but she replied that there just weren’t any other hides available for her so she took what she could get.

Many years later when he returned to the same village, he encountered the first woman and asked about her child. Was he as strong as a bear? She pointed him out and sure enough, her son was busy ripping a stump out of the ground with his hands, as strong as a bear! Amazed, he sought out the second woman, who pointed out her son, running through a field at great speed, as graceful and agile as a deer! Intrigued to say the least, Pythagoras sought the third woman. She pointed out her son, and he didn’t believe his eyes - he was both as strong as a bear and as graceful as a deer; a mountain of a man with grace and poise.

He wrote in his now-famous travel journal his amazing discovery; that the sons of the squaws on the two smaller hides are equal to that of the squaw on the hippopotamus.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbimatic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a rather large spider in the garden. I told my wife to guess how big it is.

I told her the (pretty good) guess was wrong, the spider is in fact 8 feet.

The wife tutted, the spider rolled all of his eyes and I walked away, feeling accomplished.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Svengelska1990
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Two friends from Boston

Two friends from Boston getting ready to go to a party, Mike and Doe. They decided to make a few large sized bowls of guacamole for the party since there were going to be several people there.

It took them some time to prep and make, but in the end they had about five punch bowl sized bowls of guac. Mike looked Proud of their accomplishment but his friend started to freak out.

"How are we going to get this to the party? We can't take the bus, or the sub, and we sure as hell can't walk all the way there! Mike what the hell are we going to do?"

And Mike said.

"It's ok, Avocado."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustinTabb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
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My Dad: Calm down about this net neutrality thing . . .

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lostinasense
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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Dad, do ants have antennas?

Of course they do. How else would they listen to the radio?

(Actual question and answer with my daughter earlier this week. I got the eye roll. Mission accomplished.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/idb155676
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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Did you know a silent film won an Oscar this year?

It was quiet the accomplishment.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WookieSwag
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2017
🚨︎ report
A classic on fathers day

Im sitting in my bedroom just surfing while my wife give my girls a shower in the master bathroom.

So shower's over and Avery was whining that she was cold. After a long day of swimming, that whining turned into a temper tantrum. IM COLD!! IM REALLY COLD!!! over and over.

Calmly, I say, "Ave", she sobs "what", I say "IM REALLY DADDY, ITS NICE TO MEET YOU"

BOOM!! full blown screams and cries. Mission accomplished.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZER0EFFSGIVEN
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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Village Idiot Puns

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

  • β€œI used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
  • β€œI once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
  • β€œI was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
  • β€œI thought about being a witch for a spell.”
  • β€œI tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
  • β€œI was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
  • β€œFor awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
  • β€œI once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
  • β€œI tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
  • β€œMore recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
  • β€œHeck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ason42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
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A coworker handed me two quarters. I said, "Hey, now that I have these, guess what my rapper name would be!"....

Her: "Ugh. 50 Cent?"

Me: "What? No, I'd be '2-Change.'"

She just walked away without saying anything after that. Mission accomplished.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Individual4815
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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A dad joke between two male-men...

Me, to my 11-year-old son: "If you date someone from the FBI but then you break up, are they now your Fed Ex"?

Son: "Nice DELIVERY, Dad."

I just got out-dadjoked by my son.

(Item 37 on bucket list accomplished.)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustinJamm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
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Standing in the mall with my dad

We were standing next to a group of teenagers when another kid walks up to them and says "Ayyyyyyy!" really loudly.

My dad does the dad thing and yells "B!" with the most accomplished look ever on his face.

πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/REINBOADUSH
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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Lying bed with my gf...

...when I accidentally roll on her hand with my elbow. I apologized and she said "what if you broke it? How could do anything around the house?" To which i responded "I think you'd still be able to accomplish plenty ..singlehandedly". She groaned, "this is going to be end up on Reddit, isn't it..."

I slept on the couch. I regret nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hu_lee_oh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked My Kid's Doctor This Morning.

Today was my youngest son's 18 month checkup and when the doctor came in the first thing he said was "please excuse my voice, I'm a little hoarse". Without hesitation I said "you don't look like one".

He just looked at me for a second and then laughed. My wife hid her face in her hands. Mission accomplished. If only my son were old enough to know what happened.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smixton
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend left multiple pairs of socks at my place

Phone conversation:
Her: "It's an accomplishment that they all have their pairs"
Me: "Ya, that's quite a FEAT! Get it?! FEET!"
(Laughter ensues)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeyda3rd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Got a Grandpa at work tonight...

I work as a server at a large chain restaurant (Applebee's), and got an old man at one of my tables tonight.

Old guy: I'll take a salad, Caesar.

Me: You can just call me Jeff

He grinned for about 10 seconds before chuckling, and I even got his wife and granddaughter laughing with it. Mission accomplished.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fsusparks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2015
🚨︎ report
I got my pre-teen daughter just now

She's showing me this toy of Iago from Aladdin. he has a hole in the bottom of him so he sits on Jafar's shoulder. She said "Jafar has this thing on his shoulder so that Iago that can sit"

"So what you're saying is that Jafar' has a real chip on his shoulder"

She rolled her eyes at me and didn't respond. Which is a real accomplishment!

Edit: now she's mad at me, because I'm wrong. because it's "not a chip" Classic pre-teen

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obievil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Just got out-dad-joked by my wife

My wife and I have a friend coming over this afternoon and he's bringing his new girlfriend that we haven't met yet. We know she's Brazilian, so I asked my wife "do you think she knows jiu-jitsu?" with that dad-joke look on my face because I was proud of my accomplishment. My wife responds without hesitation with "nope, she's not a Jew" and all I could do was shake my head with disappointment that I'd been outdone while being so proud of her at the same time.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amill04
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2015
🚨︎ report

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