π︎ 244
π
︎ May 23 2020
I shuck at puns
π︎ 111
π
︎ Feb 11 2020
Suck at puns, but i randomly found this
π︎ 37
π
︎ Nov 27 2019
The neighbors are rock solid at puns
π︎ 239
π
︎ Jul 03 2018
Never apologise for being good at puns
π︎ 39
π
︎ Feb 05 2019
She sucks at puns
π︎ 27
π
︎ Oct 18 2019
Why am I bad at puns
Because Iβm Cornfused about puns
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 27 2019
Iβm told Iβm no good at puns but they come fluid to me...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 07 2018
π︎ 116
π
︎ Nov 29 2014
Why are kleptomaniacs so bad at puns?
They take things literally.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 18 2017
I'm really good at puns
I guess you could say I'm a pundit.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 19 2015
Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head.
It's OK though as my injuries are only super fish oil.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
I HATE HOW FUNERALS ARE ALWAYS AT 9AM
I'm not really a mourning person π
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, βWhat happened before The Big Bang?β
He said, βSorry. There is no Time.β
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
Have a riot at this pun
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
Why canβt two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
π︎ 404
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
The salesman at the furniture store told me, βThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.β
I said, βWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?β
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, βWindow or aisle?β
I laughed in her face and replied, βWindow or youβll what?β
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
Constitutional rights at stake.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
Someone just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me!
π︎ 76
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle...
Strange name, but she tortoise well .
π︎ 73
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
A bunch of books fell on me yesterday, but I couldnβt find anyone at fault in the accident.
I only have my shelf to blame.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy club.
π︎ 113
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
Fun fact: Every dictionary has at least 1 mistake in it!
In the M section, right after mist.
Thanks HAI
π︎ 229
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
I designed a pencil with erasers at both ends.
π︎ 63
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
Gotta work at it
π︎ 113
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
A chemist froze himself at -273.15Β°C. Everyone said he was crazy, but he was 0K.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
I was watching a robbery at the Apple Store today
π︎ 78
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
We have a box of dead batteries at home.
They are all free of charge
π︎ 62
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
What type of flour is sold at airports?
π︎ 69
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
Why are fisherman so good at geometry?
Because they're all Anglers.
π︎ 75
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two iβs."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isnβt it!?"
π︎ 411
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
People said I would never be good at poetry because I was dyslexic.
But so far I've made two vases and a bowl and they turned out great!
π︎ 25
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
My Dad showed me a picture of him at a REM concert "Look" he said.
That's me in the corner...
EDIT. Sorry that was just a dream
π︎ 36
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
Itβs my jingle bell rock.
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
Who looks at the ceiling and cheers?
π︎ 31
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
Found this pie cutter at Goodwill
π︎ 39
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
π︎ 552
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
The salesman at the furniture store told me, βThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.β
I said, βWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?β
π︎ 647
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
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