In other news, Bill Nye’s daughter, Dee, came out as a Flat Earther and Anti-Vaxxer, and is starting a new organization to support the movements.
The Dee Nye Science Foundation.
A news report recently stated that a dwarf clairvoyant had escaped from prison.
So now there is a small medium at large.
I read a news story from France about coffee, and it was really well written.
The French press is very good.
The other day I had to fly international. The good news? It was a direct flight. The bad news? I had to sit next to a mother with a baby. I did not believe it was possible for someone to scream TWELVE HOURS STRAIGHT, non-stop.
Even the baby was impressed.
BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar
BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.
Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.
Bad news, Christmas carolers! Turns out one of our most sacred songs was communist propaganda all along, a hymn to nothing less than Karl Marx’s “The Communist Manifesto”!
Now don’t you feel bad for singing “O Commie, Commie Manual” all those years?
So with crime being on the rise in a lot of countries around the world, I read that London just set a new record this week. According to the news, someone is stabbed in London every 52 seconds...
>!I mean... that is one unfortunate guy, right?!<
Did you hear about the criminal in Scotland who was stealing bird nests and storing them in a safe? That has to be fake news.
I mean, who believes in the locked nest monster?
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself – and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked:
“Will I be acquitted?”
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor. 🥺
More on this after the break.
BREAKING NEWS: A man has been stealing the wheels off of the local police cars.
Police have been working tirelessly to catch him while the Chief has decided to retire.
Heard a news report about a man who died after being kicked through a window
Apparently it was a paneful death
Did you hear the news about the old hermit who made a living adding colors to textiles?
My wife wants a divorce because she says she is tired of me acting like a news anchor.
More on that story later.
Big news today: To provide more opportunities for females in all levels of the private sector, Beyoncé has founded a roofing company completely operated and managed by women.
The company name, of course, is All the Shingle Ladies.
They held a beauty pageant for all those Fox News blondes
And named the winner "Miss Information".
After three years of studying hard at university, a young man gets his degree, and phones his father to share the good news.
"Dad, I've got my B.A.!"
"That's great," says his father, "only 24 letters to go. Now get the rest of them, and in the right order!"
The news today is all over Kim Kardashian's involvement in a pump and dump scheme
But I saw that video years ago.
Did you hear the news? Elon Musk hit a dolphin with his yacht!
He says it was a mistake, but I think he did it on porpoise.
My son told me he wants to be a cowboy, so I had to give him the bad news.
He’s stuck being a human boy.
Has anyone else found themselves struggling to process the news about those hikers mauled to death by a gummy-bear?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her, or my career as a news reporter
I'm afraid I had some breaking news for her
I just a news channel discussing the controversial song about the lake filled with wood. The headline was...
The news says the Canadian PM got mad in a bakery
There was a parrot that swallowed a clock on the news last night
It was their Polly-Ticks section.
Doctor, regarding the schizophrenia medication you gave me, I have a good news and a bad news.
The good news is that I no longer hear any voices. And the bad news is that my girl friend left me. But weirdly though, she left a mannequin in my bed.
BREAKING NEWS: 2 thieves broke into the local pharmacy and stole a shipment of viagra
Police are on the lookout for 2 hardened criminals
Help/Request: Told my wife a news story this morning and she expected it to be a dad joke but I had nothing. Please help me fill the gap!
News: In PA a truck carrying 100 monkeys crashed and at least 3 escaped (actual true story today).
https://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2022/01/21/truck-carrying-monkeys-crashes-pennsylvania/
I'm trying to do something with "simiantaneously" or something about a barrel but I've not nothing...
What do you call news about a body of water?
Breaking News: Legal alien lived a lavish lifestyle for years by impersonating music icon Sting.
Today he finally turned himself into the police.
Good news! I finally signed up for a 401K!
Bad news: I work for a marathon organization
Bad news: they had to take Thanos to a mental hospital.
I saw a news story that a truck hauling pigment collided with a tour bus on bridge and both fell into the river…
Thankfully no lives were lost but everyone dyed.
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
Breaking news: a trampoline was picked up by strong wind gusts and flew into a power substation causing power outages for thousands of residents. The power is expected to be out for several days.
Don’t worry though, we’ll bounce back from this!
A man is driving down the motorway when his friend calls, telling him that he sees a crazed driver on the news going down the wrong side of the motorway
To which he replied “One??? There’s hundreds!!!”
BREAKING NEWS: A man has learned how to do origami backwards!
More on this story as it unfolds
Did you hear the news story that a toilet was stolen from a police station?
The police have nothing to go on
What did the news reporter say when the midget psychic robbed a bank?
“We have a small medium at large”
In the news today: The leader of a small, fledgling orchestra narrowly escaped electrocution after falling on a “live” 220volt/50amp cable backstage...
Thankfully, he was a poor conductor, and escaped major injury.
News Item: Stephen Curry is planning to start a publishing company after he retires from the NBA.
He's going to call it Full Court Press.
A doctor calls his patient frantically and tells him, "I've got bad news and terrible news!"
He asked which do you want first?
The man replied, "The bad news. "
The doctor says exacerbated, "Okay, you've got 48 hours to live. "
The man then asks, "What's the terrible news? "
The doctor tells him, " I've been trying to reach you for 24 hours!"
BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar
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